Funny Female Broadway Monologues?

While it isn't necessarily a monologue, I think the dialogue before Luisa's song "Much More" from The Fantasticks is hilarious:

Luisa: This morning a bird woke me up. It was a lark, or a peacock; something like that. So I said hello. And it vanished, flew away, the very moment I said hello! It was quite mysterious. So do you know what I did? I went to my mirror and brushed my hair two hundred times, without stopping. And as i was brushing it, my hair turned mauve. No, honestly! Mauve! Then red. then some sort of a deep blue when the sun hit it.... I'm sixteen years old, and every day something happens to me. i don't know what to make of it. When i get up in the morning and get dressed, I can tell...something's different. I like to touch my eyelids, because they're never quite the same. oh, oh, oh! I hug myself till my arms turn blue, then I close my eyes and cry and cry till the tears come down and I can taste them. I love to taste my tears. I am special. I am special! Please god, please, don't let me be normal!

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Funny Female Broadway Monologues?

we're having a performance at our school which is basically a compilation of anything from broadway. it could be a song, dance, skit, or monologue, and i'd really like to do one, but i can't find anything that is funny, simple, and from a somewhat-known broadway show. not over 3 minutes...

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Does it have to be a play? You could always look up some musicals and see what they have, such as Chicago, or Les Miserable, or Wizard of Oz? Try Fiddler on the Roof, Grease, Annie, Spamalot (super funny), Jekyll and Hyde, Funny Girl. Here are some I know, but I don't know if they have monologues: Cat on a hot tin roof, Macbeth, In the heights, Rent, November, The 39 Steps. I would even suggest looking up male ones as well. Even though they are male, you can just change some of the words, to "she" and not "he" and play around with it. Add dramatic pauses, those always save time, and you sure as heck could always dress up as a guy if worst comes to worst. I've done it before, I wore and afro and mustache. Our performance stunk, because my friend and I laughed through the hole performance because I looked so funny. She said my fro' kept bobbing up and down when ever I nodded, so I can understand why she laughed.

Bite-wings For Breakfast

COMEDIC :: F

Sharon got into a fight with her boyfriend last night. Today at work, as a dental assistant, she discovered a new way to work out her anger. It is after work, and she is talking to her boyfriend.

Sharon: I've forgiven you. I mean it. I am completely over everything. I was working today and Susan, the other dental assistant, called in sick. It was like destiny smiling at me. What I mean is, I got to work with every single patient today! Do you know there is nothing more satisfying than yanking out people's teeth? I kept picturing each patient was you, and I was pulling, twisting, ripping out teeth left and right! The more they bled, the happier I felt! Then I started using the suctoin -- sucking up people's tongue -- making them twitch and jump! It was great! I was in control. I know they couldn't really feel anything. But the thought that I could be hurting them -- inflicting severe, unbearable pain -- was almost... orgasmic! So honey, I'm not mad at you anymore. Oh, and guess what? Dr. Greene said we could squeeze you int tomorrow. Isn't that great?!

There's Gotta Be a Better Way

COMEDIC :: F

Faith works at McDonald's. She is having the day from hell. She has been pestered twice by the same customer. When the customer complains a third time, Faith loses it.

Faith: Ma'am, I replaced the first burger free cause it "didn't taste right" to you. And the second burger cause you said it wasn't cooked enough. Now you're telling me that this burger is burnt?! You have got to be kidding me. Where do you think you are. This is McDonald's! We ain't serving no sirloin steak! $5.25 an hour and I gotta put up with the likes of you. I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back here, take my greasy apron and my stupid hat, and stand back here in 128 degree temperature and cook your own burger til you're satisfied. Oh, and hey, don't forgot you gotta smile nice for all the customers while you're sweating to death and the French Fry boys are whispering perverted jokes!! No? Doesn't sound like a good old time to you? Well then, I highly suggest you take that burger back to your little table, eat it, and think about how lucky you are that I didn't smush an apple pie in your face. Have I made myself clear? Thank you. Have a nice day.

It's a Living

COMEDIC :: F or M

On the way to a friend's house, Cori has a bizarre encounter with a very strange man. He/She has just arrived at a friend's house.

Cori: You won't believe what just happened to me! I'm getting off EI and this guy comes up to me and says, "Hi there. You got a minute?" I say, "Sorry, I don't have any money," and I start to walk away. He scurries up beside me and goes, "Wait! I don't need any money. Actually I'm on my way to Crobar. It's fetish night." I pick up my pace. Then he runs infront of me, blocking my path and says, "Look, I don't mean to bug you and I'm not going to hurt you. It's just that I couldn't help but notice your beautiful feet in those sandals. I'll give you ten dollars if you let me smell them for just thiry seconds." You should have seen his face! The guy was dead serious! (Beat.) Of course I didn't! Are you kidding? (Beat.) I made him give me twenty.

Try Bunny from The House of Blue Leaves by John Guare.

ok.