Friends, I need your help. I'm feeling a little desparate right now. I have a 17 year old daughter who has?

SORRY IN advance for it being so long:

When you first began describing your daughter's recent attitude and emotional changes I wondered if it were perhaps MY daughter living with you! I have 4 kids who are now 15, 18, 20 & 21.(3 girls one boy) All of the girls hit that emotional CHANGE when they were around 15 and became different creatures - hardly recognizable to their former loving, kind, affectionate selves. A bit rebellious, never wanting to be with family anymore, wanting to APPEAR not to need or want us, negative, hateful, disrespectful, losing interest in church, family, values, rude, mouthy, moody - DOEs this feel familiar? This IS how normal teenagers DO act sometimes and it doesn't mean all is lost. HOWEVER,..... how you as parents decide to handle it when this happens will be KEY to how she comes out of it in the long run.

Our 20 y/o has been the most difficult in our household (all still live at home right now by the way). BUT unlike the others, because of her personality we "THOUGHT" we were doing the right thing by allowing her the freedom to chose for herself at 15 when she didn't want to go to seminary or church anymore, when she wanted to isolate herself from us at home, be off with friends instead of us all the time etc., etc.... well if hindsight is truly 20/20 then we made the WRONG choice as her parents to give her THAT much freedom of choice.

I have come to personally believe that although Heavenly Father does give His children free agency in this life and it is a wonderful and important gift & responsibility - as earthly parents we SHOULD NOT extend that same free gift to our children while they are young, impressionable, floundering, emotional, moody, hormonal YOUTH! This daughter's life, self esteem, testimony, faith, positive attitude, warm heart, love of people and life, has to this day NEVER recovered from those years and we continue to pay the price and see HER pay it each and every day. It is one of the few things in life I regret as I see her still struggling and I must assume some of the blame for that as her parent.

My advise would be to find some moderate middle ground with her. DON'T cut that apron string quite yet because as much as she HOLLERS at you that she wants it cut and severed forever - I THINK INSIDE she is just hollering too that she needs your home & family as much as ever if not more but can't say it, express it or even truly recognize it herself right now. I think keeping a steady consistent and habitual PATH in your home with regard to expectations, choices & consequences, accountability and boundaries is the ONLY THING that will help her RIDE THROUGH this rought spot. YOUR daughter is still in there somewhere but has just lost sight of herself for a time - I know you won't give up on her because of your boundless love for her - BUT DON'T LET GO, don't give IN thinking you are doing her any favors or helping her by give her lead rope because she WILL hang herself with it (proverbial speaking).....

I think she/they need a modicum degree of space as YOUTH but they still need that steady, sure foundation and anchor that your home & family will provide as they sail these kinds of rough years. They need unconditional love and acceptance tempered with realistic responsibilities, guidelines and well used freedoms for independance. Don't give in to the mentality of the world <which she is facing in herself> to let it go, allow a little more freedom, don't give consequences, don't stand up to her etc - I have come to believe that doing that is what made us lose our daughter. I can never take it back or change those years and SHE can't either! : ( YOU are after all the parent and adult here and she thinks she doesn't need you - but she does need your wisdom and mature long term perspective. you are her Lighthouse right now - be sure, steady, positive, advise giving, truth telling!

I hope this helps you a little.... God Bless you and your family and hang in there with especially focused faith & prayers and make her HANG ON TOO!

This can be a difficult age for teenagers. I have raised 4 of them and 1 gave me the run of my life.

I went through a lot of the same emotions that you are having, and it was not pleasant and was very hard on our family.

My advice to you is whatever plan you follow, love her. I still do not know if I did the exact right things, but I did all I could to keep my love for her alive so that our bond would be strong in the coming years.

She is now 25 and the mother of two cute girls and I am so happy that we are close. She is not an active member of the church, but is a good person and has a good husband. I am so happy for this every day and if it never gets any better than this, I am grateful. The outcome could have been so much worse.

Have a little talk to her about parents being people, too. I think kids hold us on such a pedestal that when we fall(your husbands depression) they just can't handle it. When they realize that people of importance are fallible, it will go a long way toward stabilizing her emotions about her dad who really needs her support right now.

Good luck, I know tough times could be ahead.

It is natural for your daughter to seperate from parents. However,Your daughter needs to grow up-It is not up to her to forgive her father-It is between him and God. She is using that as an excuse to throw her attitude around. She thinks she has power all the sudden because she will soon be 18. Go with her plans tell her "That will be good for you dear" and turn around and walk away as if it doesn't bother you. If you ignore her threats then she will eventually stop threatening. Her only source of power is to hurt your feelings -Even if she succeeds don't let her in on it. Tell her the next time she says that "Just let me know and I'll go get you a paper so you can search the want adds and apt. section-With this attitude I expect you out by the time your 18."~~(Tough Love) It may take a few years for her to wake up -but she will eventually get over it. As far as her father leaving the family for a day-Tell her a daughter never leaves her father. The guilt goes both ways. There will be a day when she will feel like giving up -I bet he will be there for her. She will go whining to him because she knows she can. Your husband will have to back you up -By the WAY she is still 17 -She needs to be home when you say -Not the other way around -Your giving her too much freedom. It's called lock down -Grounding -What ever you want to call it. Force her to stay home-Get an Uncle or somebody as a body guard=and have a good family meeting. Set some new ground rules and don't show her your buttons because that is exactly what she is looking for.-Buttons -What Buttons? Good Luck -As parents you both need to toughen up, or you might lose her for a long time. This is your last chance.

Do not just assume your daughter is not experimenting with anything. Maybe you should sit her down and have a straight forward talk with her, just in case?

There must be a reality check. So that when she makes mistakes, she will know what to do. That's “if” she make mistakes, but “when.”

Rebelling is part of the process of becoming an independent adult.

I think the more restrictive and punitive the religious system around youth, the stronger the rebellion.

Better just give her some cold hard facts about certain actions and consequences, and YOUR RULES and then Lay the law.

*Be there to talk to her, and show interest in her favorites, and try some one on one time with her. Maybe have a certain family time each week, (I'm sure you (do)try, but make it manditory)

Be down to Earth with her and her troubles?

Good luck. I am the mother of 4 young children. When the times comes I will not have a issue with talking about anything. :) ALL you can do is "prepare" for whatever, I guess.

A real tough situation this is.. But it sounds like your daughter really needs to see a counselor. No one is perfect and it seems that she has put her father on a pedestal of some sort. I admit that I am often very critical of my own father and I am 27 years of age. I think he could do things so much better than he should . He doesn't do this or that and I get upset and wish he could be a better father. I've grown up at times feeling that my father although he always was around was AWOL in other ways. Your husband is in a position of authority and it's obvious that your daughter looks up to him. So him leaving like he did at that one time puts a whole crack in the family resolve that she once had.

She does need to see someone it could be more than just relationship with the family. It could be school, it could be friends etc. But she does need guidance and maybe she needs to have a father/daughter talk or counseling with him and her as well.

Sister

Just tie a knot and hang on when you come to the end of your rope! Heavenly Father knows exactly what you are going through - and it may help to know that you are by no means unique in your predicament- my sister just faced this with her daughter" We are thinking of writing a book a la "The Three faces of Eve" instead calling it The Exile of Meagan" (her daughters name).

She's back now, married a wonderful man in the temple,no less, but put us all through the wringer before she did.My daughter's just getting into the teen years, and I am just trying to remember that there is nothing I will face today or tomorrow that God and I can't handle.

You are right, you don't control others, but you do control you, and can be there when she does turn back, in a year or even in three or.... you get the drift.I hope your hubby is doing better, and as for that scenario, if it was not that it would have been something else.

This is a tough stage on parents. It sounds like your daughter's pulling away is a natural part of development. Kids at certain ages...2, teenage years separate themselves from their families and become more independent. She is growing up. Don't smother her and insist she do everything as a family. I would sit down with her and tell her you realize she is an independent person and discus what she can do (a few new freedoms would be great - ask her what is important to her) and what she can't do with her freedom. Let her know you still love her but realize she is growing up. You need to think about this first yourself so you can be okay with it when you talk to her. The funny thing is sometimes once kids get some freedom they sometimes see-saw back and forth between wanting some closeness with family and wanting independence. Remember we raise our children to leave us and be independent people who can stand on their own two feet.

Good luck.

Friend, I deal with teenagers on a daily basis, and one of my nephews started acting up as soon as he turned 16, this was last year. Both my brother and sister in law kept insisting that he go to the counselor, and he did, it turned out that he was "depressed" and in need of attention, he also wanted to be heard as an adult and treated like one, which my sister and bro are trying to do, there are sometimes however, that he will try to pull off the "but I am still a kid" routine, and when that does happen they remind him that he wants to be treated like an adult and thus should behave like one.

In relation to my students, I can tell you that we girls are definitely much more complicated than men, if your daughter feels betrayed by her father it will take some time, patience and lots of love for those wounds to heal, it might be your position to act as a mediator, and listen to her but also try to explain what your hubby is going through, kids don't see parents as human beings most of the time (sounds weird, I know), they don't think we too have bad days and go through rough patches, so, she just needs to see her father as a human being, flawed and vulnerable, but getting her to realize that will be the tricky part.

My idea and phylosophy has always been to treat kids gently on the form but strictly in the message, make her feel loved but at the same time make her realize her mistakes gently but firmly.

I wish you all the luck on this issue...be patient, stay calm, don't force her every single time to participate but do insist from time to time.

Open your heart and let her open hers. She needs healing and so does the rest of the family.

She's a "Teenager", and unfortunately, it is normal and most common.

I have a teenager of the same age, and you're describing this kid of ours. So don't be so upset, relax, and let it go, and Be There for her without Pushing to her religion, therapy, counsel, talks, etc. Because if you do so, you'll regret it later, and even worse, you might lose her. Just when they're turning 19 years old, then you'll see the change in her, a good change, because you "might" think she threw away everything you taught her, but no, that's still in her 'as part of who she is'. Right now she's conflicted because she's trying "on her own" to figure out many things: Who she is, where's she's going, what's important to her, etc.

And, as I tell my sister with the same problem: "Remember: You daughter is Gone. She's Not At Home, and won't be back for Two more years but, don't you worry: They Come Back Home. Promise".

In a sense it looks and kind of feels like you lose a child, but don't you worry, because it's most natural and normal, and when they're ready to come back home, they will. It is called being a Teenager, and remember my promise because they do come back home.

I've seen that for 'decades' while teaching and counseling Teenagers, so, do your best and be there for her but never push or preach into her.

She is at a stage that she feels she can express herself but it is actually a stage of self discovery. She needs a guiding light and you must help her find that.Part of the illumination is to come from you, that is why you are there. With or without your husbands depression, she is likely to find an excuse for trying to live her own way. You were once at this stage of her life. What are those things that helped you not to wander away? It might not be same with hers but because of peculiarities but definitely a process of self-discovery. She is going to be heading on the way that seems right to her until life (and everything that could explain it including you and your husband) convinces her otherwise.She is subconsciously scratching around for answers give her reason to know that life is beyond living for the now but a summation of time, faith, values/principles and desire or interest. You cannot force her into it but patiently guide. Never loose hope, it is natural for her to want to discover herself. Be focused in what you want to see in her and work towards that.

She difinately has some kind of problem that she's not comfortable with talking to U about. Is there someone within ur church that she trusts? If so see if they would be willing to spend a little bit of quality time with her. Sort of a mentor or something. U know as well as I do that God can do anything, so don't quit relying on HIM for answers to this problem too. He has the answer for every troubled times that comes into our lives. Be careful how U pray though. I've learned that as a Mother. And be her Mom & not her friend, that always helps. Kids need to know that they are cared for enough by their parents, that those parents will always have boundries in their home. That will be helpful to her as well. She needs to know that boundries are helpful & healthy to all in ur family & in her life. Well wishes & God bless