How does one handle feeling this way?

Sometimes, I feel like a social outcast. I know I have a tendency to be a bit intimidating because I speak well or am deemed by people as highly intelligent (which there is absolutely no proficiency test as evidence).

I know I struggle with wanting to be social with people, but screw up when I am. I try to be vulnerable the only way I know how and it turns people off. I feel I've always been a bit more "older" than most and really never had a lot of social contacts growing up. Plus, I'm not a typical person meaning I don't seem to act like how I am supposed to based on my characteristics ("I'm not female enough", "I'm too white", "I have too much personality for someone my size"). I know this is something many employers have seen over the years and have placed me in jobs isolated from customers or clients within their business.

I want to be positive, but return back to being negative. I used to have joy in my life with being around people I could talk to and joining clubs. Now, it seems I've returned back to being the person I hated becoming. And to make matters worse, a person I wanted very badly is with someone else and I had to make the harsh decision to let it go for it was emotionally hurting me on the inside.

I will say I've got exciting endeavors coming starting next month, but I have to get through the next three weeks. How does one get their joy back? Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.