I can't quite get this one right, but after 20 years ... what do you think?

Question

boy stands easily on the smooth flat rock
pond shines around like his first set of teeth
and the mountains of sky
and the razors of conifers surround

sunbeams press his skin and drown
the phantoms of a sleepless night in winter
for a moment he thinks i am whole

he looks from a thin rutted trail looping their campfire
to the girl. he smiles for the thin black glass
she holds she cradles in slender fingers
she snaps the shutter flies across the light

he shifts his stance i am your baby you married me
come step over the moss in fumbling hands
and faces rounder smoother wetter
pressing sunbeams from the corners

now the plastic rectangle pressed in plastic
strangles memories of him and her
and half the photos discarded
and half and half again the scenery
then hands and feet
at the hands of unknown strangers

boy opens again the large slick binder
a long time ago and far away
she holds the camera

Grannyjill · Accepted Answer

As the young ones say 'Awesome'.........I don't pretend to understand everything in this poem but I do understand when I see something great, and this is great.

It is one of the best poems I've seen on here in ages.

If I had written this (which I wish I had) I would have done it like this, for example.

He looks, from a thin rutted trail looping their campfire
to the girl.  He smiles, for the thin black glass
she holds, cradles in slender fingers.
She snaps. The shutter flies across the light.

I think you have to decide what your motive is in removing all the punctuation...is it to make this more difficult to understand?  Why?
Isn't poetry about communication?  My verse is much easier to read and understand than yours...but, the beauty of your words and images isn't lost with ease of reading.

Peace =] · Answer

Thats a very good poem, very detailed and I almost imagine I was in it too! I am also sorry about that. But you still keep on going on with your life and your poems! Keep up the good  detailed work! Hope this helps anyway! ;)

Allie · Answer

I really like the imagery.  Great poem!

Sorry about your marriage, though.  

My poems about my marriage sound like Hallmark cards ;)

Anonymous · Answer

frozen photos

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I can't quite get this one right, but after 20 years ... what do you think?

4 Answers