what to do about my husband?

Hi Jessica,

First off do you have any social support at all? You wrote that you live in a foreign country with no friends yet, but do you have friends/mom/sister or others who love you? Even if you can't visit with them regularly, phone calls, webcam conversations, emails, & instant messaging can help a lot also. Lean on these loved ones, you'd be surprised how much your family & friends can lift you up & boost your strength! Research, ask around to see if there are any groups of other military wives who get together regularly. Many of them are likely going through the same thing as you. Your situation is more common than you think, many military wives feel isolated, lonely, and neglected.

Especially when they have children to care for. Nurturing a child can drain the emotional resources of anyone who isn't getting love and support from a spouse, in particular. This husband seems extremely insensitive, selfish, and you're being seriously neglected. He may be entirely incapable of giving anything to a wife and child. The computer is probably his escape from facing his responsibilities as a man.

If you want to remain married to him, then you must be firm and consistent in requiring him to fulfill his parenting duties, and he must especially work hard to show his love and appreciation of you.

For example, plan a night out. Let him know a few days in advance, firmly but matter-of-factly inform him that he'll get some father-daughter time while you're gone. Do not make an issue of this, and do not be timid, and above all do not ASK if he'll do it. He's not a babysitter, he's a DAD. He's not "helping" you when he empties trash, etc., he is doing what is expected of a husband and parent. These responsibilities are equally shared.

Lastly, divorce may be the solution you find yourself having to face.

If you are unhappy, & he continues to be a self-centered wimp, then retain an attorney & file for custody, child support, and post-separation support (temporary), and alimony (permanent unless you remarry).

Alimony is granted in many states when only one parent/spouse is working outside the home, this is referred to as the "supporting spouse".

In most states, judges are very sympathetic to the custodial parent and will order that the non-custodial parent not only pay child support, but maintain health insurance for the child and spouse, make car and insurance payments, pay for a substantial amount of housing costs for you until you can get back on your feet.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Better not have any more babies, huh? Time to have a come to Jesus moment with your wonderful husband and insist that he helps out more. Then sit down with him and make a list of chores that have to be done and divide them up.

That said, maybe you need to organize your time and work better. One baby is a load, but I, and many women I know, have 3 or 4 kids and seem to manage without much help.

Many men get the idea that because they work, that is ALL they have to do. That's not right. They can and should help out as much as they can. Does he mow the lawn and do the yard work? Take out the trash, pick up his clothes, clear the table after meals, fix things? Don't forget to count that as helping...

Good luck.

I think its important to look at what store the receipt is from as well as what was purchased. It could give you clues as to whether he was skipping work to do something he shouldnt have been doing. If its something common, like groceries, maybe the time was wrong. Try and think back to when he purchased the item on the receipt. Perhaps its from a supply store and he had to pick something up for his office? If that doesnt help, I would call, or go to the store, and ask the cashiers if the time is usually right and i would enquire about the item that was purchased on the receipt. Once again, if its something minute, I wouldnt worry about. But obviously if its something that he shouldnt have been buying then you should certainly bring it up.

sorry you have to go through life being a sevent not a wife,,,, pack your clothes up and go away for about a week,, maybe two,,, do some neogoations with him, put him on probationary status then give him the ultramatin,, as a guy i would be ashamed of myself for doing that to anyone,,, good luck p,s i had a friend that done his ole lady the same way,, check this out.... the baby is like 10 inches from the dad,, mom is doing the dishes washing the kids milk bottle,,,, shes like 3 months old,,,, and my dear ole buddy says to her come in here and change this kids diaper im busy watching cable,,, why u girls puy up with it is beyond me,,,

Why are you saying that he is a good father and husband when clearly you are the one doing all the work? Doesn't sound like a good father OR husband to me...

A good husband notices when his wife is overwhelmed and helps her whether she says she needs help or not. A good father takes the initiative with his own child and actually does some of the parenting. Sounds like you got the incredibly short end of the stick.

I say counseling. And also, buck up. Don't *allow* him to sit on the computer and do nothing. Walk up to the computer, turn it off, and tell him what his chores are. Or say, "the baby needs a bath. I'm busy right now so you do it." don't take any more crap, be a strong woman.

Know what? Get a job! He is beginning to take it for granted that you are always home and very reliable. Once it dawns on him that you cannot be home all the time, I bet you a grand that he would sit up and contribute his quota. Try it!!!!!!

If he feels it is much work, then both of you should make arrangements for a babysitter. After all, he has a good job.

Start first by doing things with him and the child. Get him involved positively in the activities. Ask him to watch her while you go grocery shopping because it would go so much faster if you could do it on your own (hell even invite him along).... You catch much more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, dont ***** at him, find a way to get him involved that is positive.

Try asking for help, BEFORE you start to feel *itchy. A job here, a job there, it tends to add up. ALSO, schedules are very important. Perhaps when your baby goes down for a nap, you can as well.

It sounds like you cannot ask your husband to help, you have to order or tell him what to do. If he refuses to help, then you can say something like - well I guess I can't make dinner for you so you are going to have to do it yourself.

Make a list of chores - and divide them up - and give one set of chores to your husband and tell him that these are the things that he has to do when he comes home - and if he refuses to help and to do anything, then tell him that you are overwhelmed and need help and if he is not about to help you, then he has to hire someone to help you - if he is a cheapskate to boot, then he has to help - but he cannot sit at home on the internet while you bust your butt.

You have to be assertive for yourself or your husband will continue to take advantage of you.

Good Luck!

don't do the work. Care for your baby of course, but don't do the dishes don't cook, don't clean. Make him appreciate how much you actually do. Try this for a week then try talking to him again