Would you say this is an abusive relationship, and how do I make my friend see it for what it is?

I would say that relationship is abusive. However, there is nothing that you can do to MAKE her see the light. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, in other words.

One of the most painful truths every therapist and counselor has to learn is that people are free to screw up their own lives and that you can't force them not to. People going through mentally unhealthy situations have numerous defenses that will allow them to ignore reality or only perceive the parts of it they desire to see. Your friend is in denial, clearly, and until she recognizes what's going on there's not much you can do. I wanted to caution you against pushing her too hard, because they could cause this man to convince her to cut you off or break up your friendship, and the last thing you want is to leave her with no resources in an abusive relationship.

However, continuing to show concern and caring for her, and treating her as she deserves to be treated, are good ways to keep busy and give her a chance at seeing the truth. Keep trying to get her to eat; mention that you're concerned because you haven't seen her eat much and because she's dropping weight at an unhealthy rate without exercise that you've seen. Counter everything negative that you hear this man say about her with positives. For example, he calls her ugly, tell her that she looks beautiful. etc. Recruit other people in these efforts, but be sure to keep them gentle and non-aggressive/non-threatening. If she begins to feel harassed and harried while she is with you, then chances are she will end your friendship.

If she has her boyfriend over, you can also let him know that calling her names, pushing her, and biting her are not acceptable in your presence. You must make this injunction as non-threatening as possible, however. Write it off as one of your own hangups and ask him if he would accommodate you. It'll feel like ash in your mouth to make it seem like a small thing, but if you threaten him in any way then he's likely to start the process of cutting people off.

If this happens, and she says she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, ask her if it's because her boyfriend doesn't like you, and then remind her that cutting off friends because a boyfriend says to is a hallmark of an abusive relationship. If this happens, then it'll be time to pull out all the stops and make one last-ditch effort to get her to see the light. Mention all of the things you've seen, tell her about how you suspect anorexia and how you wish to see her healthy and happy. Tell her all the good things you love about her that are directly under assault by this man, and how she deserves someone who cherishes and loves her for exactly who she was before she got so unhealthy. Pull out all the stops, but make sure not to criticize her. Only positive things should be said here. The purpose of this is to give her a better chance of seeing what a positive relationship feels like--and also to let her know that she is deserving of such a relationship. Many times people stay with abusive significant others because they believe they don't deserve a good relationship. Try to help her understand that she was deserving of such a relationship before he came along.

Be sure and list all of the warning signs you have seen and be ready to pull up a list to go through together during this process. If you can get her to go through it with you and mention the things that you have directly seen him do, this is probably the best way to break down her defenses on the subject. But it's risky (because it's so threatening) and it still has a big chance of not working. I do recommend doing this at some point if it's at all possible though, even if it's only at the end of your friendship. If nothing else, it'll plant a seed in her mind that everything is not right here, which may lead her to come out of that denial.

Just do your best to stay friends with her, be there and support her, and try everything you can. And if she cuts you off, give her your email and tell her that you will always be open to an email from her, no matter what. It's really important that you not leave her alone with him, but sometimes that is just what happens, and the best alternative is to leave a door open for her to get out with. Make sure you check that email regularly and if you see an email from her, be ready to plan her escape from the relationship.

Good luck!

She's already exhibiting signs of being abused. The withdrawl from friends, bruises, depression, excuses, and lack of social interests are all signs. Sometimes those are the only signs, but others can range from suicidal ideation, withdrawl from family as well as friends, lack of interest in things she used to like. Physical characteristics are things like wearing inappropriate clothing for the weather, such as long sleeve shirts when it's warm, to cover bruises or marks. The only way to know for sure if she's being abused is for her to tell you or someone, and she may never do that, some don't ever and live with it all their lives, Men who abuse, physically or mentally, often brain-wash their women, by telling them that no one will believe them or that no one cares, and if she leaves she'll never do any better than him. Those are only a couple. My advice to you is help her by being her friend. You said that you aren't real close, but you can help. Just by being there for her, you can give her someone to talk to, and maybe eventually she'll open up to you. The number of battered women in this country is much higher than you think. And I used to be one of them. Stand by her, don't abandon her, and don't let him run you off. If he threatens you, go to the police. Hope this helps.

Let's face it, all she is going to do is deny any allegations or ignore anything you say negative about him because she is hooked up with him now. She is blind due to the fact she is too close to him. I think all this drama and account should be shortened to why are you so wrapped up with her problems? I think your comments will be headed off by her no matter what you think or care. Sometimes it serves no purpose to point out to others what they refuse to see. ( I am referring to her) He is a loser but he is her loser. Your friend needs to find that out on her own. Your other friends need to comment back anytime he slams her. Make his position uncomfortable so she realizes that his presence causes tensions and no warm and fuzzy visits. Do your part to show him he is not welcome or his comments. That's the most a friend can do and let her see through time what a poor choice she has made. It won't be for awhile since she is in to him too far at the moment......

I did not read it, too long...

but here is the jist... tell your friend your concerns... my friend is being mentally abused by her felon man and she is a mousy push over who gets sucked into the well I love him thing...

it is an infatuation with a controlling person is all NOT love... like if someone gets kidnapped and starts to think they love the kidnapper

the victim relies on the criminal and then somehow thinks they need the criminal and eventually it turns into sexual desire too... it is weird and twisted...

so similar to relationships... she is merely infatuated with him, warn her if she ever has kids the state will look at his record and take the baby away probably forever... warn her if she wants a family to move on and find someone with out abusive tendancies (trying to make her feel like everything or anything is her fault, blaming her, making her feel negative about herself, trying to make her feel as if she needs him is all abuse mentally! physically is any unwanted physical contact/sexual or not, bruises or not..., emotional is making the victim feel negative in anyway... blaming, taunting, the person putting the victim down... stuff like that is all unacceptable)

the only thing you can do is tell her you are truelly concerned, explain if she ever has a kid the state will not allow him to be in the enviroment so she will loose a child to the system to protect it, and tell her that you will support her in what she chooses but if it is beyond harming her you will put a stop to it, even if it ruins your friendship you will not tolerate someone treating her badly... but tell her you care about her and really want her to not look back and leave this guy, and tell her he is a big boy and can fall on his butt and brush himself off...

There is nothing you can do for your friend at the moment. She will have to work it out by herself.

When the relationship ends and your friend falls flat on her face and is totally devastated that is when she will need you.

So all you can do not is just sit back and wait for your friend to come to her senses.

Good luck

Try a crisis hotline. THey could probably tell you where to turn. If you continue to push she is going to turn to him more becuase she will feel you do not like him, then you wont' know whats going on. Something will click and she will see it