Have you ever felt like putting this on your voicemail for your rescue?

Hello: You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the

high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to

the following options and choose the one that best describes you or

your situation:

Press 1 if you have a 10-year-old dog and your 15-year-old son has

suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home

right away.

Press 2 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your

150 pound, dysplastic, 8-year-old dog.

Press 3 if you have three dogs, just had a baby and want to get rid of

your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a

baby and dogs at the same time.

Press 4 if you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having

problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

Press 5 if your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and

cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 6 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the

last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your dog.

Press 7 if your dog is sick and needs a vet but you need the money

for your vacation.

Press 8 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not

active and is going to outlive you.

Press 9 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for

their dog because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

Press 10 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up

before I have to go to work so you can drop a dog off on your way

to work.

Press 11 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know

you have left a dog in our yard in the middle of January, which is

in fact, better than just leaving the dog with no message.

Press 12 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to

take your dog that you have had for fifteen years, because it is

not our responsibility.

Press 13 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog

to be euthanized because I won't take it.

Press 14 if you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid and cat friendly purebred dogs that we have an abundance of.

Press 15 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight

aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your

neighbor's cats.

Press 16 if you have already called once and been told we don't take

personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this

time with a different answer.

Press 17 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to

deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before

your kids wake up.

Press 18 if you want us to take your female dog who has already had

ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and

it is against your religion.

Press 19 if your two year old male dog is marking all over your house

but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.

Press 20 if you previously had an outdoor only dog and are calling

because she is suddenly pregnant and you don't want to deal with a dog that "insisted" on getting pregnant.

Press 21 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog and

have had no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it

is cruel. So it MUST go to the shelter. (Not like it will go in a cage there, right?)

Press 22 if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because

today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 23 if your dog's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you

need a different color or breed.

Press 24 if your new love doesn't like your dog and you are too

stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next

month anyway) instead of the dog.

Press 25 if you went through all these 'presses' and didn't hear

enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being

shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog

while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family.