Meeting Birth Mom First Time?

I think a jar of jam would be a lovely gesture.

Good luck to ALL involved.

Birth Mom Gifts

Okay, this might make me the punching bag for the day on Y!A, but PLEASE don't take a gift to her. It's just . . .

I struggle because I don't want you to feel like I am suddenly beating up on you with my response and I understand that your question comes from knowing what you do from your side of adoption, but there is so much more and I just can't agree with adding a gift to the already coercive tactics that are involved in pre-birth matching.

Providing financial help, giving gifts, building an emotional relationship with an expectant mom all feeds in to the risk that, in the end, she will surrender her child, based on the p-aparents and their feelings or all they have "done" or given her before placing the two most important people first, herself and her child.

I know it is just a jar of jam you are considering and she hasn't yet made any decisions, but every little bit, every little thing, often does play into surrendering her child after she has given birth.

I trust them. They were so nice to me. They gave me this, that or the other. It is statements heard so many, many times by moms who have just surrendered their child. And it isn't right, in my opinion because losing your child forever should never be based, in any way, on what the p-aparents feel, did or gave.

I know it sounds cruel to say no, especially when you are in those first stages. But, I just don't think it is right to have contact with expectant moms before they give birth, but because that is so accepted now, the most I can hope for is that the expectant moms aren't making a decision because of the feelings they have created for the hopeful couples because of things like receiving gifts from them.

It just isn't right.

I'm sure this isn't the answer you're looking for, but it's the best one I can give. Here are my suggestions as a 'gift' for the woman you're going to meet:

* Don't refer to her as a "birth mom." If she does end up relinquishing her rights to her child, she is the child's mother...just as you will be. Don't diminish her importance by calling her a "birth" mom. We call my son's "birth" mom his first mom or just his mom. He has known since the day we brought him home (he was 2-1/2 years old -- we adopted from foster care) that he was adopted and the whole "birth" thing is not cool.

* Don't tell her what a great "gift" she is giving you. No human being is a gift.

* Keep the adoption as open as possible. Send pictures, letters, gifts...and allow her to do the same for the child. This will eliminate a lot of questions and heartache for the child as s/he grows up. You have to be strong enough to realize that your child can love BOTH of his/her mothers...and it takes nothing away from either mother if s/he loves the other as well.

* Go ahead and take the jam. :)

Can I point out that if she hasn't given birth yet she is an expectant mother, and if she has she is simply a mother, adding a qualifier before she surrenders isn't accurate and may lead her to feel it is already a closed case and she may feel pressured to surrender. If she does end up surrendering you may want to discuss what she prefers, some mothers prefer first mother, natural mother, lifemother, simply mom, or other terms as they feel birthmother diminishes there role in the child's life. I would respect her preference here as you do get to be mommy. I think bringing food of some kind to share is appropriate, jam sounds like a very nice gift, I would be careful not to give her too much as you don't want her to feel like she is in debt to you and owes you the baby.

identity say at a quiet eating place. i think this would be a stable place because of the fact in case you adult adult males meet at a house, it may be too quiet, so a small silence can turn extremely akward. in case you have been to fulfill at someplace louder, such as a sea coast or mall, it may be to loud and loopy, that youd loose concentration interior the communique. in case you bypass to a quiet eating place, it may be quiet adequate so as which you adult adult males wont loose concentration, and yet it may be loud adequate to to not have any akward silences. as quickly as I say quiet restaurrant, i dont recommend a romantic, costly place. Im speaking a pair of nice take a seat eating place thats never thoroughly finished, yet never thoroughly empty. the tremendous element a pair of eating place is that as quickly as eating, the only different element you're able to do is communicate to your concentrated visitor. Theres not something extensive to distract you from the communique you're able to have such as your mom. identity say a place like olive backyard is stable. stable success on assembly your start mom. i wish shes friendly.

I don't think it would be tacky, but as CDra mentioned, it is important not to "bribe" her. You aren't doing it intentionally, I know, but she really shouldn't feel beholden to you.

Although, now that I think on it a bit, if you take her nothing, it may appear that you are not at all appreciative of what she's going through, which sort of smacks of a business deal.

I'm not really sure to be honest. Just be as honest, forthright and compassionate as you can.

But yes, I agree. She is still a mother. Not a "Birth Mom".

I wrote something else entirely here, because I'm distracted and sleepy. It wasn't relevant. Now I will fix it. :-)

I still think the jam is very sweet (no pun intended!). I also think that it might be nice for you to give her a nice card or something sentimental to let her know that you understand how hard this is for her.

Also, I'm in agreement with alohagirl... The term "birthmom" isn't appropriate. Right now, she is still an expectant mother. Just remember how difficult this time is for her, and try to empathize.

dont call her birth mom, she is still the baby's mother, and always will be technically. i think the jar of jam is nice, and reassurance that you will allow her to know her child as he or she grows up. then again some ppl mite view the gift thing as like an exchange of presents or a bribe! once someone has invested something, even a pot of jam, the mother can feel extra pressure to give away their baby. maybe this is why they say to do this.................................

How about a lovely picture in a nice frame. I am sure they would treasure something like that.