How do I get over his death?

Question

My brother killed himself about a year and a half ago. My mom took me to a psych because of this and she(the psych) told me that over time I'd get over it. It's been over a year and I still can't get over it. It still hurts me just as much, and whats worse is I can't remember what he sounded like, I can't remember his voice at all. He was an amazing musician (he played guitar, drums, and bass guitar) and he used to sing to me all the time but I can't remember what he sounded like and it hurts me soo bad. I can't remember a single thing he ever said to me but I can remember the moment I found out he died, and everything his dad said to me, I can remember EXACTLY how I felt at that moment over a year ago but I can't remember his voice. Why? There's times I feel so mad at him, I want to hate him I just wish I could tell him to go screw but then I feel terribly guilty for being so mad at him. It's tearing me up inside. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hating him? Why can't I remember him???

Mary D · Accepted Answer

Mandi, it is absolutely okay for you to hate him. For you to wish you could tell him to go screw. You're grieving, and that is part of it. There are phases to grieving, anger is a Big big part of it, and what you are feeling is natural and healthy. 

Do you maybe have any recordings of him singing? Or something that you used to do together that you could go over to try to recapture his voice?  

That may be something that comes back with time.

As far as how long it will take to grieve, I'm sorry but there is no time limit.  The only thing you can do is hope that each day is slightly better than the last, and if it isn't that the next one will be.  And it's Good that you are feeling all these things.  The worst thing to do after someone dies, especially someone you were as close to as your brother, is go numb.

Keep living.  Keep feeling, keep trying to make it day by day.  My hope for you is that twenty-five years from now you remember more good things about your brother than bad. And that you have lived a good life in the process.

I'm including a link to Wikipedia because I thought it was very readable and understandable about the stages of grieving.  Also, I don't know how old you are, but a book I like a lot that goes through this is called "Tiger Eyes" by Judy Blume.  It's about a teenager who loses her father and has to deal with the grief that follows his death.

I wish you the best.  Be patient with yourself and try not to stress too much about what you can't do yet, every day it changes and the best thing you can hope for is to continue to move forward with your life.

*big cyber hug*

Bec · Answer

i am so sorry about your brothers death. i know it will take a long time for you to accept the fact that he is dead and it will take a long time to get over the pain you are going through. honey, i will be praying for you, even if you don't believe in Jesus i do, and i will be praying for you.Remember that there are people out there who care about you. You are a special girl. xx

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How do I get over his death?

2 Answers