Stalking, fundamentalist sister about to show up at my door and I need advice.?

My suggestion: I know it will cause problems, but don't let your sister in. Talk to her as civilly as possible at your door, but tell her she can't come in right now.

Of course get ready for a sh|tstorm of acrimony and accusation. Your nephews have come to you for a reason -- they probably intuit that you are a source of rationality in their lives. They need your protection right now, so stay strong for them.

Try to talk to your parents before she goes to them with her histrionics, to brace them for the coming deluge of excrement she's about to unload on them. Forewarned is forearmed.

What a horrible situation. (((Laptop)))

I would normally say invite her inside to talk while your nephews are in another part of the house, but if you barely have a civil relationship, you can choose the front step if you want.

Tell her that her sons are adults and have the perfect right to go wherever they wish, and that they are more than welcome in your home.

You are not responsible for her irrational, crazy behavior, and should not be put off by yelling, screaming, demanding, or any other weirdness.

I'm sorry your parents have not caught on to her controlling, manipulative ways. But no matter what, you *must* stand by your nephews. You may be their only hope for sanity and freedom.

I also agree with Jack -- try not to get the police involved in this situation. That is way too inflammatory.

If you can contact her beforehand, make it clear that she is not welcome at your house right now, that you will ask her to leave if she shows up, and that you will ask the police to remove her if she refuses. It sounds harsh, but as most other commenters have pointed out, your gut instinct is probably right: it is vital she doesn't get a foot in the door.

Having come all this way, though, she may not accept that.

You can offer to meet her on neutral turf and in public, for example in the food court of a shopping mall where there are lots of people around. This gives you the opportunity to leave if and when you need to (which is harder to do if you are at home), and the fact you are in public can help put a damper on any tendency she might have to make a scene.

Consider bringing back-up: a trusted friend or relative.

Whether your nephews attend such a meeting is up to them. Make sure they know they have a choice.

Best of luck!

Oh gosh ((((Laptop))))

I'm 21. If I was your Nephews, then I'd want you to not let her in the house. I'd be at your place to get away from her; not for a change of scenery with her still there.

Let mom and dad know. It is better to break the news than it is to try and piece everything back together again.

Tell your nephews they are adults and can choose what they want to do. Tell them you support them 100% because you love and care about them. If they ask your opinion, tell them how you feel about your sister.

Only call the cops if she refuses to leave and is hurting your property.

Don't let her in the house. You didn't invite her, nor did you prepared for her to come over. Don't let her take advantage of your hospitality so she can emotionally abuse her sons.

Do NOT let her in tell her out the window you want her off the property and you are calling the police now - you have legal rights here not her. By State laws he does not have to talk to her by law SHE will be told by police he does not want to see her all he has to do is tell an officer no he does not want to see or talk to her and they will make her leave as they are over 18. They will be kind to the young men just calmly tell the police what they have been through.

Stay Calm!!

No matter what you do you will always come off better and more the stable one if you stay calm all the way through this.

Call the police if you want as soon as she arrives before you even speak. By the way you need not talk to her if you choose not too.

Just call the Police then come out ONLY after Police are there and at the door.

Someone who has seen this and been there.

EDIT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You have all my Best Wishes coming at you and Prayers too. You are a good person to go through this. Those young men need you so they know they have actual options in life and they can have a life. As another poster said call a free legal aid attorney for help and see if they can get possibly a social worker involved social workers are not only for under 18, elderly or disabled.

((((((HUGS)))))

Lock the door, don't answer it when she comes, tell your nephews to go to another room in the house so they don't have to deal with her. Tell her (through the door or a window) that she is not welcome. They are adults and they choose not to see her. You are honoring their wishes and helping them as a family member should.

See if your nephews are willing to go into counseling. They will need some help to build self-esteem so they can eventually stand up to her. Maybe have them write a letter, explaining that they need to build their own life on their own right now, and part of that is getting away from the stressful family dynamic. They can say that this is necessary to prevent the destruction of their relationship with their mother. You can give her this letter for them.

If she continues to be crazy, unreasonable, and won't leave, you have the right to call the police on her. Yes, it is a bit getto, calling the cops on family, but what is more important to you? Your nephew's well-being, I am guessing. Of course, this does not apply if she is so crazy that this action would set her off.

Talk to your parents. Are they willing to back you up? Can you explain the situation to them, and that her children need to get away from her for a while before the family is torn apart, and this is what they need. If they are cognizant enough to understand this and still take her side, there isn't anything you can do. They are adults and can make their own decisions. If they don't take her side, they can choose not to let her in the home if she comes over, or not to answer the phone when she calls (get them a caller id device). If they are not cognizant, then you can instruct their care workers of the situation and enlist their help in keeping her away from the family.

Now, in my opinion, family is everything and we should do as much as possible to preserve the family bond. Unfortunately, that isn't always possible, and in order to protect yourself, your nephews, your parents, it may be necessary to cut her out of your life - at least until she can get psychological help. And please, please remember, crazy people exist in every religion. It's not the religion that causes the crazy, religion is just a tool the crazy uses to get out.

They may be her children, but they are adults -- adults who have sought and accepted help from another adult. You are by no means obligated to allow her into your home if you feel it would jeopardize your ability to help them. Be civil, but firm -- it's always hard in issues like this with family, but having just recently been in a position where I felt a member of my family was being emotionally harmful to a younger family member -- one not yet old enough to defend herself or understand that what's happening isn't right -- I understand your position and you really need to remain unbiased. Family or not, if she is causing a problem in their lives and they have accepted your help, this has happened for a reason. You are an adult helping two other adults, and as an adult, she should accept that.

My impulse is not to let her anywhere near the kids and not to breathe a word against her to your parents. When something is brought up about the boys, just say, "They're adults. If they want to live somewhere else, they certainly can. Right now, they want to visit me." If she accuses you of anything, simply say, "I disagree." and leave it at that.

I think the worst thing you can do with domineering people is talk too much. Don't give her anything to use against you toward your parents.

She is going to drag them into this. She may drag them into this even if you let her drag the kids back with her. Which sucks. But they're grandparents. They just want what's best for the boys. As long as you can tell them something positive about them living with you - that doesn't insult your sister - they should be able to make some peace with it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I'm glad you're a safe person for your nephews. I wish you the best with this. ((((LJ))))

Well... first off I have to agree with a majority of answerers on this... do not let her in. These are adult young men and clearly need an advocate to help them start their own lives.

I know this may sound hard, but you can certainly call law enforcement to assist you, if needed. A restraiing order might be appropriate.

Lastly, you parents *sigh*

You know that my parents have both passed away. I had to take legal guardianship of them the last year or so they were alive. They were very angry with me (as was my alcoholic brother who was stealing from them), but I know that what I did was the right thing to do. Above all else, you must be able to live with your own conscience.

Do the right thing and let the chips fall where they may. One day, like me, you'll always know in your heart that you did the right thing, regardless of any drama that may ensue...

My thoughts and best wishes are with you... hang in there!

A firm hand is needed by a compassionate arm of wisdom to infuse the situation with what is needed to bring about freedom. All three are enslaved but only the boys can be freed at this point. Take your nephews' side and do for them what they cannot do for themselves until their sense of self is reborn. They're in transition and this early stage is the one in which his future is most at risk, as is true for any plant in the sprouting stage. Don't permit the communication; if your nephews will go along with not talking to her, keep them apart.

This is such a difficult situation, and there really isn't a good answer, but I think the best possible approach would be to act as a mediator, and certainly to be there when the mother meets with the son. You will have to do your best to fortify his backbone, but ultimately, the battle has to be fought by him.

You can also from the start intervene with your sister, and make it clear that this is something not to involve your parents in; I don't know if it will work with a person like her, but one can hope.

Best of luck; I truly hope all works out well.

((((((Laptop))))))

Edit: I need to expand upon my answer here.

I see that many people are advocating bringing the police into the situation, and while I agree that this is the best advice in a situation where there are minors involved, or the persons involved were not family, I do not think that this is the best way to handle this situation. The main reason is the family connection.

See, I have had my own share of family drama, like everyone, and too often I have seen the outcome of a situation such as the one you are facing turn out to be a case of the person who tries to help the most ending up taking the blame for the ensuing melee. If your nephew(s) end up--for whatever reason--returning to their mother, there is the risk of your helpful intervention being cast in the light of coming between parent and child. It is too easy to be cast in the role of trouble-maker, simply for trying to help out, and even though you were the one turned to for help.

If the police were called to haul the mother off of your property, such a situation could easily be made to appear very negative for you. You have to remember, even though their mother sounds like she has been no mother at all to them, she is still their mother, and they still have an emotional connection to her---obviously so, since they cannot stand up to her.

I am not saying that this is the way things will play out, but it is a real risk. That is why I counsel for you to act as mediator, but let the nephews be the ones to fight the battle. I know you are a person whose heart is aching for these boys, but the family dynamic, when it comes into play, is a tricky thing to deal with, and I do not want to see you get hurt, or end up taking the blame for a situation where you only tried to be helpful. The best hearts--and you surely are a person with the best quality heart--too often end up taking the brunt of other people's crises.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from here, and, again, I truly hope things work out for the best.