Spiritually Defensive, Do you ever find it hard to turn off emotional self-defenses?

I have this weird block up where I can't tell people about myself. I had the same best friend, saw him or talked to him every single day of my life, for more than ten years... and he probably doesn't know half of what the people from R&S know about me. I just feel like as soon as anyone knows about my life, even the good things, they're going to decide I am not the person they original were attracted to [in a friendship sort of vibe way] and go running. I don't know, I am not even making sense.

I also do this thing where, if I start to feel for someone in a romantic-ish way, I start wanting to [or sometimes actually do] avoid them.

I guess I just have a fear that anyone who *actually* knows me will run for the hills, because I am such a... I don't know. Just me, I guess.

(((Goddess))) You can trust me! If you ever need anything, lemme know *goes to steal your identity with the social security card I just stole from your house*

Yeah, I killed a dog as well. I was breaking some branches with an iron rod in the forrest so I could clear the way for a bike ramp. This huge Husky charged at me with its mouth open jumped, going for my throat. I took the rod (don't know what I would have done without it) and, in mid air, smashed the dog as hard as I could. The massive blow caused brain trauma that would lead to the dog's death -- it was knocked unconscious. I took it to my next door neighbor who's a vet, but the blow was huge; its skull had caved in. It died just as I got to his house. The dog had a history of being aggressive -- even when unprovoked. I think I was building my ramp where it went to rest (it was being territorial). However, I was completely unaware of that, if it's true. After the adrenaline rush faded, I felt awful. The dog's owner was pretty angry (who yelled at me), and threatened to sue but many other people came forward and complained about the aggressive nature of the dog and the owner backed down. I felt awful yes, but it gave me a frightening glimpse into man's soul and what is really there, animalistic proclivities. You become a machine when you life is in danger; I used strength I didn't even know I had. The vet was amazed at the sheer devastation and told me the strength I employed would have to be many times greater than I thought it was. I'm a math guy, and I use my mind to solve very complex mathematical problems...it was so odd to know that underneath my ability to do complex, intellectual math (sorry if I sound braggartly) is just an animalistic cave man. That, even more than the pain I felt for extinguishing a life, albeit of a dog, was what scared me most. I'd never doubted evolution, but until then I'd only accept it on an intellectual level, that episode gave me personal, emotional (granted anecdotal) evidence. We are just primates and as much animals as dogs are, of that I'm now sure. I'm not religious, but it did impact me greatly.

you and I are on the same page,I am thinking. I am told I am anti-social, and I found myself nodding in agreement as I read through the question. I do not think I am anti-social: I just don't WISH to take the time to get to know people, either.

I keep my defenses up 24/7.

Why?? I have been lied to tooo many times,to just trust anyone. I truested someone,and they, in turn, turned around and threatened me, and then used their mental illness/ medication as an excuse to get away with it.

I tend to shy away from such people nowadays and I personally think that friendships are emotionally messy and often-times, too entangling for me to invest my time and effort into.

I like things simple and plain : friendships are just one thing I really do not take the time to make.

Fine by me.

I agree with Star: I've given that power to select few,and they in turn, used that power to hurt me. If I can't be hurt, then I can look them in the eye and politely tell them to "F" off and "leave me alone."

I may be alone, but alone is where I like to be.

The most people I "know" are all online. I can always turn off the computer, but real life people can't be turned away so easily.

I am a loner,and since I have Asperger's syndrome, it suits me just fine to be left alone. My being a loner has nothing to do with my mild degree of autism: it has everything to do with my not being able to withstand being in the close proximity of loud,shallow,careless,thoughtless imbeciles (otherwise known as people).

I love my kids, but even they know when to leave me alone. Some of my closest online friends, I've had to tell off,and they ((( finally))) got the hint that I had no interest in the friendship anymore.

They were having problems and I was,and still am not, qualified to help them.

Especially when the problem is of their own making.

I am not a people person,and when I am funny,or make a funny comment, people often mistakenly assume I am like that all the time and wish to be around me. This bothers me, for i am a sarcastic little $hit,and in no way funny all of the time.

Ok, I'm done now....

Working through my fear of love was the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I wasn't even aware at the time that I had a fear of love. It is a very common fear...and many people don't trust love because we have all been hurt.

When you go searching within...not only do you discover self awareness, but you also give yourself chances to work through your fears. This is never pleasant...I had to go through a foundation shattering crisis before I was 'forced' to deal with all the crap that had been put on the back burner for years (fears, anxiety, depression/despair, anger, lack of forgiveness...but mostly just negativity directed toward myself). It took a complete hitting rock bottom before I discovered something within--a love that had always been there, but I'd never felt connected to before. I could write a lot more, but if I say too much it can overwhelm.

(((((Goddess)))))

When you get older you will realize that doing that will not get you far in life. I don't know that as a 100% fact, but I don't see any person who has lived for a long time paranoid about who to trust. Listen to the wisdom of your elders, talk to them about these feelings; get their guidance. You would be amazed by how your life would improve by just listening to the people who have lived longer than you.

I learned that putting high walls around you isn't going to do anything but to keep the people you want close to you out. The bugs,spiders, and rodents are still going to get in no matter what you do. Personally, I trust people until they give me a reason not to, but I do not allow my trust to go so far to put my entire life or fortune in their hands.

i constantly get called a b*tch, because i have such a hard time opening up to people. it doesn't help that i can't stand small talk, i can be very blunt. if i have something to say i will say it, other wise leave me the hell alone. once i do get to know someone after awhile they usually tell me "i thought you were such a b*tch and you hated me, your so not what i thought you where"

i find most people just are not worth the time and effort it takes to maintain any type of relationship

although i have been trying hard to open up and meet new people, get out, be social. all that has done is make me appreciate the few true friend i have more

Very much so. It's such a problem it's been causing a lot of issues between my boyfriend and I recently. That, coupled with an almost paralyzing shyness, has lead me to think I might have something wrong with me in the head. But the idea is far too expensive to professionally explore, so I deal.

Patience dear patience.

Yes there are many trustworthy people out there and like in the case of InstantStar you sense it and let them in. So trust your instincts and remember it is not the quantity of friends you have but the quality of friends.

So your caution maybe frustrating at times but i think serves a purpose and so just let it be and relax. You will (and do) find trustworthy people so focus your time on them.

_()_

No...never.

Why are you looking at me like that? Are you laughing at me? Am I going to have to deck you?

Seriously though, I have a big time deal with TRULY opening to people. I seem to be getting better about it, but I don't know, there's something about letting someone in to how I work... it's disturbing. It's threatening to give someone that power over you.

However, you conniving little minx, I trust you for some reason I cannot comprehend, nor explain. Go figure.

I think you are my younger twin. I am the same. Once I get to know someone you couldn't have a better friend. It is the getting to know part that trips me up. I feel like I sabotage myself at times. And then there are times you can't. For that I am thankful. I guard my heart with a vengeance now.