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John D
Lv 4
John D asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

A poem for critique. Do you dress for dinner?

Dressed for dinner

We sat at a white plastic card table

Waving at flies, dipping fire-roasted meat

Into spice powder with greasy fingers

When a fat ram, headless and skinless came

In the company of excited men

To be strung just off Alex's shoulder

From a handy hook we had not noticed.

I had the best view of the delivery.

The man pierced the leg tendon and it swung

Glossy, white, wet. Balls of sheep s*** still clung

To the viscera. Blood dripped from the neck.

Shameless and exposed.

Then the ax came out. In a few wet "thuks"

Intestines, liver and heart spilled out

Into waiting hands, and the ax worked on

Splitting the neck, chest and pelvis. Limbs splayed

Like the wings of a butterfly. Dangling

Two big balls were the last reminder of

The animal's vitality, and these

And all were laid flat over burning coals

And the world was filled with the delicious

Smell... roasting flesh consumed mucho gusto.

She said: I think that is enough for me.

Update:

The inversion was deliberate, but maybe it doesn't work. I can try to rework it.

I thought the aliteration of sheep s*** sounded better, but I did consider using "turds" at first. The problem is really the "p" at the end of sheep.

Thanks for your comments.

Update 2:

You're right, Buk. Actually, she pushed away her plate. It's fresh -no pun intended, in my mind since this only happened Sunday.

Update 3:

Thanks, Schultzie. Welcome to my table. I am a meat eater, obviously, but I do think people in the West, particularly Americans like myself, are a bit too disconnected from where food comes from. Being in another culture for a time can widen perception exponentially if you're open to it. I'd probably hit that restaurant again. No side salad (or aught else), though you can get a Coke.

Update 4:

The last line, revised, could read something like:

"She pushed her plate away and said, "I'm done."

Update 5:

Thanks, SRD.

I love doves under the stars above.

Preferably with fava beans and a nice chablis.

JUST kidding. I tend to write narrative poetry about stuff I've seen or done or imagine. I haven't yet got the hang of the romantic, lyrical stuff -so, I'm glad you enjoyed the change of pace.

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Love the nonchalance of the scene.

    Last line; she needs mild action. "She turned and said", "She stood and said..."

    Moving away from the image, so to speak.

    Great poem.

  • Vernan
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Maybe, it is better to submit this on a site that is devoted to critiquing poetry. Like.... www.everypoet.org/pffa

    BTW

    I think...

    From a handy hook we had not noticed.

    ....is an inverted sentence.

    and in

    Glossy, white, wet. Balls of sheep s*** still clung

    I don't like the < *** >.

  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I see a clash of culture here

    I see a celebration

    and a misunderstanding of the hospitality

    nice job!

    I wish I was there, but somehow i feel that i was

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    This is a nice change from all (my:) love, dove and stars above..smiles at poetry and likes it..good:)

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