Why do people in this section make it seem like adoption is the worst thing someone can possibly do?

You haven't figured out that the only adoptions that the majority of people on here approve of are from foster care. Many on here act like if you adopt an infant you are a baby snatcher (load of crap) They fail to realize that not all girls/women want to be parents, nor are all extended family's capable or willing to take the child on. Many on here also think that just because they are unhappy with their adoption that all should be unhappy with theirs, which is a misconception on their part. I also think too many dwell on the past instead of living for the future. Not that making peace with the past isn't a good thing. I think everyone has to make peace with their past in order to live for the present and the future. But on here you will find few who are content and happy with the circumstances of their being adopted. For me I am content and have no regrets about being adopted. It is a fact of my life that can't be changed nor would I have it be for if I wouldn't have been adopted I wouldn't have had the parents I did or the family I did, nor would I be the person I am today. Attitude is everything and you won't change the attitude of those here. They will continue to be the way they are. You just have to live your life and do what is best for you and yours.

Just as with all things in life, there are good and bad aspects to adoption. Adoption is good for children who need homes or who are in abusive situations. Adoption is bad when it is chosen for the wrong reasons or there is coercion involved with the process. As long as adoption is done in the best interest of the child, it is a good thing. Whenever a child is not held at the center of the process, then it is a bad thing.

You cannot know how your children will feel in the future. I'm sure if you asked my a-parents, they'd think I had no problem with my adoption. They did everything "right" as far as telling me about my adoption, and always saying that they had an open ear to lend if I had an issue. I was always uncomfortable talking to it about them, because I felt if I did say anything with a tinge of negativity to it, they would feel that I was being negative about THEM.

Your children might feel the same way. I do wish for them, that they are comfortable and happy. I wish that you would be more open minded. They came into this world and were bombarded with loss. They lost the only people that they knew anything about. This effects children, no matter how much we wish it didn't or wouldn't.

My opinion is that adoption usually doesn't need to happen. If there is abuse or neglect children shouldn't be in that situation, but I feel that the majority of newborn adoptions are unneeded.

You may have done research and feel that you understand, but until you have LIVED adoption (being adopted) you won't "get it".

No child should have to feel grateful that their basic needs are taken care of. Common sense? Common sense should tell you that a child shouldn't have to feel like they were "saved".

You sound angry. You sound defensive. I'm truly hoping that you go to therapy to deal with this, and that if your children need it, that you offer them therapy as well. I know I needed it. I have no shame for it. I still think adoption is an abomination.

Do you ever stop to wonder why there are "people all over the world dying because they DON'T have basic necessities like food and shelter"? Could it have anything to do with a particular country and that country's foreign policy, economic and political wars waged around the globe?

Some of us have moved back to our places of birth, and are living among these "people" (you seem to have too easy a time separating yourself from other "people", by the way), and are finding out that nothing that 'you" might have given us in any way makes the return trip easier, and are realizing that perhaps we were not meant to be absconded with in the first place.

And I say this with the complete support of my adoptive family in returning here, so we can probably forego the attempt to make those who speak out some kind of aberration; an exceptional case who has had a "bad experience", that you can ignore after you've defined it as irrational, or worse.

I'd like to ask a question: Why should we have to defend ourselves? How hard is it to be truly selfless, and make the changes in one's life that might actually help hundreds of children, and not just one? Are you ready to do that--or are you in it only for "your" kid?

I can understand your int ital reaction. But please try not to be dismissive of their feelings even if you're not agreeing. Not everyone will agree with you either, but that's life and people how it goes. What I find here is often people are sharing one side of their story in an effort to answer a question, at times personal feelings and hurt can creep in and it becomes more a rant. If it happens only occasionally I'll over look it and read the part that's informative. All the time I've learned to ignore it, read between the lines if it's possible with an answer.

Yes some things are what happens in every family to one degree or another, adoption does have things that add to it at times if handled the wrong way over and over by Adoptive parents in the past. Look upon what adoptee's are saying as things that need to be addressed. And potential mistakes you can avoid. You won't get it all perfect, but some simple things can make a world of difference.

I am a person with a lot of gratitude in my life too, People around me know I feel that why by how I talk about things and people in my life. But I don't impose it on others by telling them to be grateful, it comes out negative and like you're telling them to 'shut up' and I don't want to hear. You know..."Eat you veggies kid, you should be grateful you have food on you're plate, kids like you are starving in Africa..." That might be true, but imposes something on your child that causes resentment, not encouragement.

In adoption... "You should just be grateful you have a home and a family, there are kids who spend their whole lives in orphanages unloved etc..." There's an undertone there, and its not a positive when its said out loud. While it may be true they could have been left in an orphanage, unloved and starving, but gratitude comes from within a person and how they feel about it and their life, can't make 'em see or feel it the way you do no matter how hard you try.

Take a course in emotional intelligence, its a great tool for raising children and relationships in your life. I recommend it to people I meet who are going into an adoption waiting list. Once you attend a course like that you'll have a greater understanding on issues that arise in adoption and how people incorrectly handle the emotions of others and children.

Anyway, I feel you might have just been shocked, that's all. Once you recover I'm sure you'll be fine.

All the best!

"You people make it seam like you're better off throwing your baby in a dumpster than putting it up for adoption to a loving family."

These children dont come from poor enough white mums for the agencies to red flag them.

"I'm going to be an adoptive parent, and I'm not evil."

Kudos for you for wanting to be an adoptive parents. If your smart enough to never use physical, emotional and verbal abuse on your future adopted children then good luck. Your not evil? Does any psychologist support that claim and are they willing to email a signed declarative statement.

"... in general, are a depressed pessimist who focuses too much on the past?"

You have heard of the quote by George Santayana: "Those

who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Do you trust everyone in the world to do the right thing by you? You learn by your own experiences and from being exposed to others stories.

If you stay here long enough you'll see some idiotic statements. Like the one that promoted the idea that the majority of natural parents are child abusers and that if adoption were increased their would be no child abused. Or the ones that assume that because they know thousands of adoptees they know adoption. Or this one, all the adoptees they know havent and dont want to search for their original perants and all live exceptionally happy lives. Seriously do these people know everything and I mean everything about all of their friends?

"I have sat down and done extensive reading and research. The vast majority of you people who strongly oppose adoption ARE overly negative people."

For someone who has done extensive reading and research on adoption why do you still believe in the misconception if children werent adopted they ALL would be growing up on the streets.

To be a pro-adopter it means one thing. You only support closed adoptions. Why? Well firstly according to the pro-adopters open adoptions encourages women to have abortions. Obviously if women are aborting there are less children to be adopted. And well we cant have that.

Secondly closely tied with number 1, closed adoption means women can have any number of children and give them up. The birth remains a secret between her and the state forever. No PII or medical histories are passed on. Blank state! I know sounds delusional but some do think like that.

Under closed adoptions adoptive parents come first and foremost. The welfare of the children comes last. So you can understand when it comes to adoption especially closed adoptions people can get a little bit upset. But it doesnt stop the ignorant from promoting it. You still see the dumb promoting illegitimate web sites.

"I'm prepared and willing to listen to whatever my kids have to say about being adopted, but I just hope they'll have the common sense to be grateful"

Children don't have a choice in being born or being adopted. You should be grateful to the child and their original mother. As adoptive parents your obligated to say how grateful you are each and everyday. If we adoptees are expected to be grateful so should you. We want you to tell us how grateful you are for having the change to be a parent. Without us you'd never have the change to be a parent. You'd be that old cat lady nobody loves or likes.

"maybe - I for one am grateful for everything I have. There are people all over the world dying because they DON'T have basic necessities like food and shelter."

and yet you still play a willing and active role in their deaths without a second thought.

Remember this is the adoption section. If you cant handle the truth from those actually involved in adoption than f*ck off. Your not going to get the Disneyland answers simply because you demand it. We live in the real world not la la land.

@Cycle

Many kids for the last 1/2 century have grown up as latchkey kids. They have no parent at all to come home too. The problem has been getting worse each year and surprise, surprise it doesnt just happen in natural families as it also occurs just as often with adoptive families.

What, so we're not allowed to tell our own stories then? If you can tell your side of the story, why can't we tell our side? after all, we're the innocent party in all this. We're not the ones who chose to be torn away from our mothers, we're just the ones it happened to.

"""""My kids won't be like you, ever.

How'd you know they won't? You're already expecting them to be grateful for being taken away from the only thing they've ever known and ever loved, and now you're saying what they will and won't think.

Me finks you's gonna be in for a bit of a shock, 'cause even those of us with the best afamilies in the world (and mine really is) can still come out of it deeply screwed up.

Yawn, this again.

My problem is with the industry. If you can't understand that then you need to read more, because you haven't gotten to that part yet.

I loath everything they do, the way they do it, how they claim to be NON profit, and how they adamantly fight to keep records sealed, not for the privacy of surrendering mothers, not for the adoptive parents, not for the children, but to keep the lid on their own nasty practices.

Don't take it personally, I am against what they do to you too. Since when should a kid cost as much as a house? And don't tell me it's all paper work, that's a load of crap. There isn't that much paper work involved in 10 adoptions.

Google the 990 form of your favorite agency and see how non profit they are.

And yes my daughter got a good home with a happy life. That has nothing to do with it.

"Why do people in this section make it seem like adoption is the worst thing someone can possibly do?"

No they don't, they try to educate and speak from personal experience. If you don't like somebody's opinion or honesty then accept it's not how you see adoption. Attacking people such as PhilM is plain nasty not constructive and who do you think you are to suggest he has therapy. And how do you know how your children will turn out?

"You people make it seam like you're better off throwing your baby in a dumpster than putting it up for adoption to a loving family."

That's just insulting the intelligence of everybody here. I was coerced into surrendering my child but if I hadn't I would have parented not thrown him a dumpster. People make suggestions to expectant mothers here on how they can get help and support to parent their child. I have yet to see anybody suggest that throwing a baby into a dumpster is better than adoption.

"I'm going to be an adoptive parent, and I'm not evil. I'm going to have an open adoption and let the bio-parents keep in touch as much as they want."

Before you adopt I hope and pray your attitude changes for the better. I also hope that if you do adopt that you will stand by an open adoption agreement. I don't think you're evil but I do believe you're hugely misguided.

"It's sad you may have had a bad experience, but have you entertained the thought that maybe you, in general, are a depressed pessimist who focuses too much on the past?"

I, like others here, speak as it is for us where adoption is concerned. Yes I did have a bad experience, yes I do suffer with depression but now you're touching on dangerous ground. I don't like your assumption that I, for example, a depressed pessimist who focusses too much on the past. My past has affected me and the person I have become. I cannot forget the past as I haven't raised my chil. I have seen how adoption has affected my son and it isn't nice as he has issues. If mothers such as me and adoptees don't talk about the negatives of adoption then nobody gets educated.

Adoption is forever and it is a life sentence. I'm not saying my son would have had a better life being raised by me, it would have been different. Instead he has issues because of adoption made worse by finding out I wanted to parent but was bullied and lied into surrendering. Unfortunately coercion still happens so more mothers need to speak out.

I hope by the time you adopt you're not so judgemental of people who speak out about their own experiences.

I have been able to work through my issues, I have moved on and am happy that I am in reunion but the pain of not raising my son will stay until the day I die.

"I'm prepared and willing to listen to whatever my kids have to say about being adopted, but I just hope they'll have the common sense to be grateful for at least having a family that loves them as opposed to growing up on the streets."

Wow, you would actually tell a child to be grateful to grow up with you because they could have been out in the street? That's the story you would present? Really?!!!

What a house of horrors you will create for your adoptlings.

And you are sadly misinformed, most infant adoptees never risk the chance of being in the street. Infants in America are a hot commodity. Perhaps YOU are the one who should be feeling grateful for being given a chance to parent a child..

I for one am just glad I was adopted by people who never expected me to be grateful or tried to compare my existence with life in the proverbial streets. That kind of talk to any child should be considered child abuse.

Horrid...just horrid.

I truly feel sorry for any child who would have to be raised like that.

Talk about a "bad experience" THAT is one of the worst.

My issues with adoption can be summed up in your answer.

No one thinks that my daughter (who was born to me) should be grateful for food, clothing, a home, and family who loves her. It is my job to provide those as her mother and it is her job as a kid to not to have to not have to worry about those things. The only thing she has to do it grow up and be who she wants to be.

Now, if I had placed her for adoption as I was considering, she would be expected to feel grateful that she has those things. Why should she be grateful when it was I who made the choice, and the APs who made the choice. She should have the same concerns she had with me, not being grateful to someone who made the choice to adopt.

No child should ever have to be grateful to have their needs met. It should be something expected and hopefully taken for granted.