My Daughter has Gender Identity Disorder (she's trans-gender) What should I do?

Here's the thing...

If 'she' really is transsexual and is of the male gender, then your child is your son-- not your daughter. And to me, it sounds like 'she' is actually a he, and something NEEDS to be done about it before your child does something terrible. The suicide rate for transsexuals tends to be around 30%, last time I checked.

It's NOT a phase; it's a real medical condition. Your child is in distress, they need you and if they know inside that they're a boy, then you need to start respecting your child and accept them as a boy. That is the first thing you need to do-- ask your child what they want to do, then give them a giant hug, tell them you love them and will do what it takes to help them be happy. If that includes wearing boxers, taking blockers and getting surgery later on, so be it.

What YOU want has little to do with it. This is your kid-- you set aside YOUR wants the minute he popped out of his mother. He is a living being with his own thoughts, wishes, hopes and desires, and if you say "Well I want my child to be a woman, I don't want them to be a boy", then you're doing a great disservice to your child. It's natural to be confused or to grieve over the fact that your kid isn't who you thought they were going to be, but if you have a kid who's sitting there IN TEARS and thinking about TAKING THEIR OWN LIFE, don't you think what YOU want is a little bit irrelevant?

He is older enough to make up his mind. I can see wanting to wait for surgery, but if he wants hormones and blockers, that needs to happen fairly quickly before the body develops more than it already has. Once you all figure out what he wants, you need to get to a gender therapist (or at least a trans friendly one) and have him talk to them about all this. They can help get things squared away, and then he can go to a doctor and hopefully get the treatment he need to feel better about himself.

And if your kid is getting bullied... simple solution? Complain. KEEP complaining. Talk to the principal or whoever is in charge of the schools and let them know you're not going to sit by and let your child get harassed-- if nothing is getting done, then keep at it and keep going higher up; everyone has a boss. If all else fails, call the police on the kids doing the bullying and file harassment charges.

As for PE and other gendered classes, see if it's possible to get a waiver of some sort... might take time, but having a panic attack in gym class because you're the only boy in a fleet of girls is NOT fun. Been there, done that.

The only way your son is going to cope is if he has your full support, your love and TREATMENT. For transsexuals, treatment is usually hormone therapy and surgery, or at least being able to dress how one wants and choose one's own name. Some trans people don't go through all that, but it's their decision to make... And honestly, the sooner he gets it taken care of, the better of a chance he'll have in leading a happy life. Making him wait until he's an adult is cruel and could lead to having one dead kid on your hands.

I'm a female-to-male transsexual, and I only wish I'd have started transition at fourteen. My life would be so different-- I'd have avoided a lot of heartache. I don't miss anything about "being a woman" because I'm not a woman, and if you're child is anything like me... they're not a woman, either. It would be like saying, well why didn't your parents raise you as a girl for a while so that you could see what you were missing out on? It's nonsense, and it's completely unnecessary.

Do the right thing. Set aside what you think he should be like, and listen to what he's telling you he IS. It'll save you all a lot of pain. You're his father, and he's telling you all this because he loves and trusts you-- please don't make him regret it by forcing him to be someone he's not.

She may not realize this now... but she will later. What you do already is... I have no words. After she gets through the difficulties of adolescence and her gender identity she's going to look back and be so thankful you were there.

I do agree with you that she is too young to do anything irreversible. I have two friends who have gone through or are going through gender reassignment and both of them took *years* to put it into motion. It's not like a tattoo... you can't just cover it up or take it off if you decide you don't like it. Seeing a counselor wouldn't be a bad idea. The LGBT community everywhere usually has resources to get you information that you need.

There is also a book called "Stone Butch Blues" by Leslie Feinberg. It's a very hard book to read... especially for a fourteen year old. She may be too young as of yet. However, it will definitely help her realize that she's not alone. There's another book written by her called Transgender Warriors that would probably be informative and helpful.

As far as high school goes. She's going to get bullied. If it wasn't this it would be something else. True it makes her an easy target but it will help her get a thick skin. In the states we have teachers that are assigned to help keep kids with gay issues from being harassed. You might see if her school has another such thing. Her school counselor would know. However, knowing high school she will probably decide not to use it. It could be grounds for her being ostracized which for most high school kids is worse than being bullied. Best to have her find out the info anyway so that if the bullying gets too bad she knows it's there.

Best of luck to you both.

By the way im a 15 year old girl and Live in the UK.

You sound really nice and supportive :D I feel so sorry for her, she needs a hug.

I should think that she would not be able to get a sex change until she is 16 or a small chance at 18. But most people would want her to be at least 16. That way she has 2 years to have something to look forward to and for her to make sure she is 100% sure that is was she wants. Let her know that you support her and ask her what she wants from you in the future or if she wants you to treat her any differently.

The main thing is the bullying. Schools don't do sh*t these days and the bullies are still there. I think she really needs someone to talk to that is not her parents(maybe), maybe a councilor but they are quite depressing anyway. Its not nice that she has no friends, people are very tight minded (i would be her friend, im different =])

She might not feel so alone if she comes in the LGBT section on Yahoo Answers because she can see that she is not the only one and feel more comfortable with it. She can ask questions etc.

Anyway , good luck, i hope she gets happy.

At your girls age, ask her how long she'd felt this way.

I'll bet it hasn't just happened overnight.

She's probably been feeling this way for awhile now.

The faster you address her feelings on her gender etc, the better the outcome will be for her happiness.

Imagine going through life not feeling as if you were the right sex?

Help her now, as in right now.

This is an extremely important issue that needs addressing now.

Forget about your feelings about missing the aspects of being a woman.

The important thing is that you'll help her with the decision that'll make her the happiest.

That's good.

I can only speak for myself. I'm 41 years old now, I knew that my mind and my body did not line up at the mere age of five. I cannot even put into words how much depression and frustration I have endured throughout my life. I wouldn't wish this "defect" on my worst enemy. The most important thing you can do for your child is to be supportive. Find out everything there is to know about gender reassignment. I'm not sure surgery would be satisfying enough, everything I've ever seen doesn't look natural. So for me, I have no other option than to live my life the best way I know how. I make sure that I surround myself with people that know, and love me for me. I am very selective with whom I choose to have as friends. I do everything I possibly can to love myself each and every waking day. Suicide is no longer an option, as I have chosen to love myself and find worth within myself... Please let your child grow into "his" own skin and love "him" everyday more and more... If you don't...you will lose him...this I know.

UK specific information (I'm in the UK):

The NHS route involves first seeing your GP and asking for a referral to the local mental health clinic regarding GID (gender identity disorder). (Yeah, I'm not exactly happy with what they call the issue, but it's best to use their terms when speaking with them).

After one or more trips to the local mental health clinic (and if you are determined to go forwards, show no self-doubt to them), you should get a referral to an actual gender identity clinic. There are about four of five across the country, the largest (by far) of which is in London.

It takes 1-3 months to get your first appointment at the local mental health unit after you speak to your GP. Then, once they refer you to the gender clinic, it can typically take 6-12 months to your first appointment.

NHS UK-based gender clinics typically won't prescribe any medication until your second appointment (they are usually spaced 6 months apart), and even then only if you can show that you have already been living in your target gender for at least 3 months, including a legal name change.

NHS UK-based gender clinics also will not generally prescribe medication to under-18s at all. They will provide support and counselling though (and possibly a breast binder on prescription), which can be very useful in itself.

There is of course the private healthcare route (expensive), or even the self-medication route (risky if you don't know exactly what you are doing).

Dear KP fan,

As with so many of the others that have answered this posting, I need to thank you for being there for you child as you are. You have TRULY impressed me.

SECOND: Everything I know of this subject… this child fits the definition of Gender disphoria almost perfectly.

The fact is you have recognized the harassment he’s receiving at school… IF this were not a real issue why would “she” put up with it?

So…

1. Get this young man to someone SPECIALIZING in gender issues. He’s already “self-diagnosed” and the sooner a mental health professional can confirm the issue the sooner the hard work can begin.

2. The sooner this person is formally diagnosed as trans, the sooner the legal “wheels” can get moving. (Such things as a name change can be a bitc*.) And the less of a “female footprint” he leaves behind the easier it will eventually be for him to “go stealth”.

3. I’m not certain of British law regarding trans youth… But MOST of the medical community will at least make “hormone blockers” available to your son. These will at least allow him to forestall female puberty until the age of 18.

4. Get your son to a good support group. There are several here in the internet as well as real live people that get together in all major cities… Try focusing on groups geared to LGBT youth. IF there’s no such group in your area then start one.

5. This is your son’s issue. (The unquestioning love and support you are giving this person is the sort of thing most trans youth can only dream of, but this is HIS row-to-ho.) And each step of the way must be HIS choice

6. Educate yourself (And your son.) on this subject… The more you know the smother this will all go.

7. LASTLY you and your wife need to KNOW neither of you are alone in this get yourselves to a PFLAG group.

IF I can be of any more help feel free to IM me.

PennyAnn

I'm not exactly sure what advice to give you as I'm in the U.S. and there are different regulations/restrictions here.

But I just wanted to say thank you. So much. I wish there were more people like you in the world. Your love and support will mean so much to your sons and has gone a long way in helping him through this tough time already.

Congratulations on acknowledging that you have a son, especially at such a pivotal point in his life. I wish my parents had been as aware and pro-active as you.

GID is merely the label doctors place to help those who need to transition medically. The only two options your child has from the sounds of it, is transition or death. I don't mean to scare you, but that is the reality of being trans. Particularly at the start of the wrong puberty, life is beyond hell for someone who is trans.

Go talk to your GP, they will refer you and your son to a specialist, who will be able to make his life easier.

As for your not wanting your child to have blockers and surgeries. Would you say the same thing if they were in a car accident tomorrow and lost a limb? Would you insist they live without a prosthetic? You are [ignorantly] saying the exact same thing about transitioning. "I want my child to be happy, but to do so without help." is what you are broadcasting. I can get you're afraid for your child's future, but that's not helpful. Educate yourself (like you are trying to do now, props to you), and you will see that a transition is not a death sentence (its actually the exact opposite), and that HRT and SRS are not dangerous so long as they are watched by a medical professional.

This isn't something your child suddenly feels, it's who he was born. It will never go away, and to wish it away is foolish and wasteful.

Be smart, love your son enough to acknowledge his pain and DO something about it.

I don't know in the UK, but in the US, the first step for him would be to take him to a gender therapist to be diagnosed with GID, so he can start hormones an be eligible for surgery. Your support means everything. How a child feels about their own transsexuality is directly related to how their parents feel about it. If you support him, call him the correct pronouns, if you're not ashamed of him, and if you're proud of him an fight for him, then he will be less likely to commit suicide an have a support system. In the US, a minor can start hormones with a parents consent, again I don't know in the UK, but I'm sure a gender therapist would be able to help you. Plus as a female to male transsexual person myself, you're never too young to know whether you are male or female, I know as clear as anyone that I'm male and waiting until after puberty causes the need for unnecessary surgeries in both FtMs and MtFs. You wouldn't need major surgery to remove the breasts which leaves scaring and numbness if you start hormones while they are still small, or not fully grown in etc.

First of all, I want to let you know that I thank you for being so open toward your daughter and try to make your daughter happy for who she is. I have been there and done it without my parent's support of me as cross-dresser and of course possibly "trans gender" because I never told them. I used to do a lot of boys' toys and so on. My mother also tomboyish as well. It is hard to me to explain because I am the same way but I don't want to have sex change anyway and try to accept who i am as female being with a brian of a man. so I choose cross dressing myself.

The best way is try to find someone who would understand what she going through. As far as sex change, she have to be 18 yrs old or a little older before she could do that. You are the right track for try to help her to find a good GP. I don't know nothing about UK. I wish I can help on that. Also if she ever thought about commit suicide, please try to get her some help on that such as glut support group or suicide hot-line (if any in UK).

Again You got my respect for being open and try to help her to live as a normal life as who she is.