God Where do I Start? Married 15 Yrs, Big Mess!!! Help!?

Question

I've been married for 15 yrs (Met my hubby when I was 17 & married him when I was 24). When I was 17 he drank real bad & did drugs, I did not, but dated him anyway back then. I ended up moving but we left on good terms, like friends. Year later I heard he was in a bad car accident because he was drinking & driving & terrible to say it killed 2 people in that wreck. He goes to jail, gives his life to God & is changed. I find a few years later (when I was 23) he moved out  of state from his old stomping grounds & had graduated from Bible College which I was SO PROUD to hear that. He truely was a new & changed man, so I ended up marrying him. I had a 3 yr old daughter from a previous relationship when I married, he had none.

Okay, like usuall, things are pretty good at first, except, he never really tried to make a father daughter bond with my child, infact he would say things to her when she would try to show a pic she drew or something, he would tell her things like "get away from me kid, you stink". It would kill me to have him talk to her like that. He just never seemed to really like her.  (Sorry I'm trying to make this short as possible).  

in the early & middle years we would go to church together, started a successful business together, in love & for the most part things were great. We tried to have more kids (my idea) but due to some some fertility issues (my tubes). I had 4 attempts of invetro to get my now baby of 3 yrs old here. (my kids are now 19 yrs & 3 yrs old) . 

****About 4 yrs ago my hubby started taking pain pills & abusing drugs BAD!!!!  He started changing, & when he couldn't get more drugs, he would go into withdrawels & it would be HORRIBLE!!!  He would get sick, moody, sometimes violent with me, most times he would just be laid out on the couch with his hat over his head just laying there day & night, he wouldn't shower sometimes for a month!!!  Really it was HORRIBLE!!!!  I pleaded with him over the yrs to get some help, and after 3 1/2 yrs of pleading we traveled to Florida Detox where he got some help. But they gave him a type of narcotic to get him off all these other mixtures of narcotics he was on. & I found out he was abusing those!!! Then in addition, he started smoking pot!!!  LONG story short, he has reverted back to his OLD original lifestyle that I knew him when I was a teenager. (He is now 44 yrs old, I'm 39).

With this detaox program, the told us that with drug abuse is a chemical imbalance in the brain & they give  other meds & vitamins to address that.  

SO here we are today, there was a bad argument 3 weeks ago, he threatened my 19 yr old daughter who just came to visit me at my house (he never really liked her) I stepped in & told him "You will NOT touch ANY of my children!" he came at us like he was gonna hit us, I ended up leaving, It's been 3 weeks now I have my kids with me. One thing I must say is that I know he loves his little girl who is now 3, & that part kills me, it was not my intention to keep them apart from each other, but I felt it was in the best interest of her & my 2 kids that we be away from him for a while. I had to get a protective order against him , due to when I would call & TRY to talk with him to see what his frame of mind was so I could go back home,  he made threats to me that he would use his "money, power & resources to get me & my oldest daughter out of the way" and said NOBODY is gonna stand in the way of him getting his little girl.  I took that as a threat. Another phone conversation he said " I don't want to talk to you, all I can do is think of some way to get you out of the way!"  Another time he said he just would like me & my oldest daughter to gather us 10 people & he would take us all on. He said we won't need a cell phone to call the cops, we'll do it the old fashoned way, & he would take us all on by himself, & added that we WOULD need a cell phone at the end because he cannot wait to take his solid fist & shatter my oldest daughters face & we will need a phone not for the cops, but for an ambulance!"   
Last week I went down to file for a  divorce which kills me!!! He is NOT the man I married, I believe it's all do to the drugs & chemical imbalances in his brain. But my scare now is that he is trying to take our little girl from me!!!  I can't live without my girls, they are why I live.  I tried so many times to talk to him on the phone (before the protective order) he appears he despises me!!! I'm wondering, how can someone be so cold & just act like he just don't care about you after 15 yrs of marriage???  (I've known him for 22 yrs).  Oh, I failed to mention, while I was away from home , he cleaned us out, he took all our cars, trucks, boat, horse trailer, my jewlry box with my wedding ring & other special things in there. He took my 2 guitars I had since I was a kid, he tool ALL the photo albums & pictures off my walls, He even sank so low to take my dads pictures (who has been dead now for 20 yrs). & I h

frenchdoc · Accepted Answer

Nothing you do can change him.
Leave and be safe, keep your child safe !

? · Answer

Tell him he is NOT the Christian he claims to be.He needs a lot more than the "easy believism" prayer hon.He needs more.Have him read :
Matthew 11:28-30 1 Peter 5:7 John 3:15-17 Romans 5:12 John 3:1-5 and Acts 2:38.Also,2 cor 13:5 ,John 15:1-6 Romans 9:27 .If you get the chance visit a United Pentecostal church, he needs power hon to overcome these things.He also needs to learn to love your daughter and others.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm going to talk to you from a spiritual level. You and I know that when we become disobedient to God that our sins will overtake us. Your husband turned his back on God and he is lost. By him being in this state he is no longer protecting you, providing for you or even capable of loving you as a husband should. You know what the bible says about the Devil, he comes to kill, steal and destroy everything in his way. I mean everything. Even your trust in God. Let God be true and every man a liar... That being said you need to trust God even if it hurts.
God loves you so much that he will show you want you need to do and make a way of escape. You just have to do it, God will not do anything against your will.

First thing first, make sure that you are in right standings with God. 

Second, if you our your child is in any bodily danger, you have to depart to a safe place. Protect yourself and your children. Do not take this lightly!!! Stop playing with matches because you will get burnt.

Third, Know that God will replace everything that the devil stole from you, peace, love, joy and even material blessings. Nothing is too hard for God but you have to move out of the way!

Most importantly, seek help for yourself. What your husband is dealing with is far beyond your abilty. Stop thinking that you can fix it, start taking care of yourself.

I will that you could contact me. I dont like leaving my info but I think you really need someone to talk to so I will take a risk.

I will leave you my email address, kamilahcrooms@hotmail.com.
 I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May God keep you safe from hurt, harm or danger.

craig b · Answer

Yep - where does one start? 
1. It would appear that you have a codependency issue. It is very common for people that have addictive tendencies for the spouse to come alongside that and "support" them in their destruction. Not that you are supporting his addiction, but in your love and support, you have a very hard time being the "tough love" that this kind of person needs. You can yell at him and it does nothing, yet you still stay......"to support him and love him". 
2. As he yells and screams his abuse to you about HIS problem, he pushes all the blame onto you for you are the closest one to take it. And for years you did take that and accepted much of it. Again - you are the classic codependent. 
3. He berates and belittles your oldest? Why? Who would do that to someone they are "supposed" to love? Because he has HUGE self-esteem issues. As long as he can make other people feel bad - he feels good! He can treat your daughter like crap and he'll walk away with a smile on his face. 
He does the same to you. Why? Because he HAS to be the one with the power. As long as he can manipulate you, your daughter, anyone - he will feel superior. And he has no reason to feel superior because his continual lifestyle is one of degradation, humiliation and inferiority. His anger is his way to feel superior. 

Ready for a test?
"YOU'RE SO STUPID!" 
(how does that make you feel? ) 
I would assume you would feel bad, sad, angry.......pissed. 
Why? Is it the truth? No. It's a lie. And you listen to the lie and internalize it so that it is the truth. You do the same with his words. Whether the truth or a lie - you accept it all and let him CONTROL your emotional state. Why would you let ANYONE control YOUR emotions? 
Yes - he has huge issues. But your issues are even greater because you cannot control your own emotional state. You do not understand proper boundary development for yourself or your children. 

Listen - there are a ton of issues here. I'll give you a good piece of advice. Google up divorcecare.com and go. This is not about getting a divorce. This is about YOU taking responsibility for your life again. Learning the truth from a lie and how to handle all the junk. Go. 

And pick up "Captivating" (Stasi Eldredge). You need a refresher on how to be the beauty in this world. Let Stasi reinvigorate the picture of who you really are!

Anonymous · Answer

Why are you having hopes that this stranger whom you have spoken in a long time will adopt your kids? You are in the wrong lady! Your husband might not be the perfect man, but you are something too! I suggest you work out your differences in an adult manner and if that's not possible, that you seek the orientation of a professional marriage counselor. I just can't swallow that you never loved your husband and still don't use birth control to avoid getting yourself into these kinds of situations!

? · Answer

This man (and I use the term loosely) never changed.  Everything was whitewash to cover up his past behavior and to give himself some credibility.  Yet his actions still show him for the kind of guy he is.  You need to get yourself a lawyer hun and protect you and your girls.  The lawyer can file a restraining order on him and the police can serve it to him.  Don't wait on this!  He's not a nice person and I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Quasimodo · Answer

Jesus lady.......take it easy. One thing at a time. You're so worked up you've run out of room here.

Look...it may kill you you divorce but you yourself said he wasn't the same man you married. He's over the edge. Everything he took he'll probably hock. Junkies do that.

Do not under any circumstances contact him. Stay away.You'll have custody of all the kids...that's assured. He is in no form to care for them. Get the divorce and hope this jerk stays out of your life forever.

Anonymous · Answer

Oh, Bande -- I'm so sorry. 

You must leave him and cease all contact with him.  For you and for your children.  

He's an addict.  Addicts don't care about anyone but themselves.  That's the disease.  This isn't about you.  You didn't create this problem and you can't cure it.

I'd urge you to look up Al Anon online and find a meeting.  It's the first step to healing.

Good luck... and God bless.

Anonymous · Answer

kiij lady yiu cant teach an old dog new tricks he will never changeand he is a threathes crazy  enough to hire some 1 ro kill you i suggest move far away have a unlisted number id you dont he will kill youalso get a restraining order hes not worth a nervous break down for get him

Raul L. · Answer

Claim the scripture Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
Romans 8:31" What then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
I hope this encourages you to hang in there."
With God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)

Anonymous · Answer

You are doing the right thing

once an addict.... it is hard to keep your life in straight order.... he slipped.

and there is no reason for you to stay in a bad environment... that is harmful, not only to you, but also to your children.

you should have gotten an idea that he hadn't fully changed with Bible school.... when he could not be christian (not to mention even civil) to your daughter.

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God Where do I Start? Married 15 Yrs, Big Mess!!! Help!?

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