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What about this? Is it very very bad?.?

Raindrops falling on my head

i don't feel it, my soul is dead

with a single word

you flayed my soul

now it is cringing , i have no control

On and on i walk in the rain

People talking and laughing

all i feel is pain

A little child, pulling a face

a parent looking on in disgrace

the child looked at me and i looked back

a smile forming in my eyes

I am back on track.

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    More more more

    For Gods sake who really cares about which category its in????????

  • 1 decade ago

    I think it would be better if you weren't trying to stick to a rigid pattern. It's a very emotional poem so it makes it sound trite and waters down the imagery.

    Sounds like you're trying to get over a breakup. Just go nuts and see what you write. It will be more cathartic and your reader will be able to feel more of what you're trying to convey. Afterwards you can clean it up so that it has more order to it.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Well, i'm quite sure this might be in the wrong section unless you could give us more details on what this has to do with relationships...

  • 1 decade ago

    No its not bad, i found it very moving.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    cute

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