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Why do people feel that my husband still loves his ex mistress despite her sexual assault allegation?

Would a husband ever get over his EX mistress getting him arrested for sexual assault IF he once loved her?

Please I'm nicely asking if you can try and answer the question instead of telling me "why are you with him?" etc.

I just want to know what he might be feeling, and it's not like he'll tell me the truth. My husband had a girlfriend for all of last year and she got him arrested in August; read below.

They dated behind my back for a year last year, I caught him in Feb so he ended it - but then he came back to her a few times to try and rekindle. She did try and tell me but I told her she was a liar and she was just jealous he never chose her over me.

Apparently they were in contact for most BUT NOT ALL of the period between me catching them (Feb 09), and the arrest (Aug 09)

They were still friendly between 1 month after I caught them, til May, and then again in August when he returned to her -so they did not talk between May-August.

WHY DID HE RETURN TO HER IN AUGUST AFTER THAT BREAK? Maybe cos no one else would have an affair with him and she was easy OR did he genuinely want her?

In August apparently he came to her work to say hi to her (he left a message) and then she went out to talk to him, got into his van - next thing you know, he is being arrested (a few weeks later) for sexual assault on her.

No forensic evidence but the police apparently encouraged her to file the charge anyway.

She does have texts in which he says:

"I'll f-ing hurt u good and rape you bad, u wh0re".

He is on bail at present, after being rebailed a few weeks ago, so even by the time he is cleared he will have been on bail for 2 months.

Apart from the legal side I am worried that IF she had not got him arrested (therefore ending it for good) would he maybe have left me for her or did he just miss the "great sex"?

If anyone thinks I know way too much, that is cos the mistress disclosed everything to me; we've had 2 phone conversations.

Seeing as he did once love her, how much would the arrest have hurt him and killed his feelings off for her? Please can someone answer me that?

A lot of people seem to feel he has an obsession with her; I do not see this??

15 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I feel so sorry for you and I am terribly worried about both your self esteem and your safety. Your husband is not going to be 'cleared' of the charges made against him. The Police do not waste their time prosecuting people who they think will be found not guilty.

    He sent vicious and terrifying text messages to his Mistress because he was thwarted - you KNOW that that means - he was obsessed by her. I have no doubt he still is. Frankly I don't care what happens to him. I just so hope that the two women whose lives he tried to trash grow spines and get as far away from him as they can.

    You desperately need help. Do you honestly think that any woman in her right mind would stay with a man who was not only unfaithful to her but threatened the most disgusting violence to another woman. Do you want to be next in line? Does he need to kill his Mistress to make you see that he is dangerously obsessed and unstable?

    I don't think you understand what marriage should be. A marriage is a place of safety. Of love and fun, sharing & compassion, loyalty and commitment. Your 'marriage' is a sham and a dangerous sham at that. If you have nowhere to go to escape this man, please call a women's refuge and re-build your life from there... before his violent threats turn towards you.

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Honey, this is a really hard situation and I'm sorry to hear about it. I think that the reason your husband went back to her is a mixture of because he knew he could get away with it and because they had good sex or he had some kind of feelings for her. Although you haven't really disclosed exactly what happened when you caught them, it sounds as though you didn't do much to show that it was unacceptable for him to be behaving that way and you never made any divorce suggestions, etc. This lets him know that you're going to stick with him no matter how much he hurts you. This also probably causes him to lose respect for you, because if you don't have respect for yourself, who else will?

    You were probably the one who bailed him out of jail, too, I suppose? I know you don't want our opinion on this situation beyond what we think he may have been thinking, but honestly, you need to leave him unless you want to live a very unhappy life. I know that it's very hard, my fiance's mom just found out that her husband has been having an affair for about six months. I understand that suddenly all of your plans for life with him just go down the drain and you want to make it work because you don't want to start over and you just want to hope that he'll be the person you married again, but you have to do what's best for you and leave him! You can still start over and be happy again!

    Good luck.

  • 5 years ago

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  • 1 decade ago

    You have spoken to the mistress, but have you actually spoken to your husband about what he feels? It is no good asking on here. None of us know you or your husband. How he feels about her allegations, only he knows. It could either make him more determined, or hurt, or angry. In a way, it doesn't matter what he thinks about her, more important is what he thinks about you. Is he grateful that you have stood by him (despite what others may think about it)? Does he not care? Has he been more loving to you if he has realised what a mistake he has made? Concentrate on what you still have together and decide if it is still worth fighting for. If you feel that it is, then you need to talk to him about what happens once the arrest/bail/trial (if there is one) is over.

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  • 5 years ago

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    you will never know the truth because what he thinks the truth is, what she thinks the truth is, and what you think the truth is- probably isn't the truth at all. the 'assault' could have happened for a multitude of reasons- he's jealous of her moving on, maybe she was jealous of him not leaving you, maybe it never happened, maybe it did - Either way you're focusing on the wrong things girl!

    Of course he loves her or is in some way obsessed with her. He is sacrificing his marriage, vows, and your feelings for HER.

    For your marriage to work you both need to make it work, and your husband does not want to make it work nor does he care. What kind of advice are you really looking for? Your situation is so beyond repair it's hard to give any words of wisdom. You need counseling on your own ASAP! Oh and when you say she had him arrested therefore ending it for good, hah! I doubt this will have any long term affect on their relationship, their both nuts!!!

  • 1 decade ago

    he obviously did at one point have an obsession with his mistress if he kept going back from time being caught cheating to the point of being arrested, why else drop into her work place just to say hi?

    right now its possible he be feeling hurt and resentment, he feels like can not trust anybody. he will also lose his friends around him, if not yet he will down the line, work may end up firing him on grounds cant be trusted around the female workers when going through the trial. be hard for him to get work again after that with everybody known around the town what happened.

    but all that does not change the fact he cheated on you and chased her again. that don't change fact that there is evidence of sexual assault esp seen as the police encouraged her to press the charges, just means there was a lot there to get him on a conviction, now just need wait for the papers to be served on him for court. that is something need to address with your husband and go to counselling together, sort the marriage out instead focusing on other things seen as not leaving going have to find strength to stand by him when comes to court!

    would he have left your for her - well deep down you must think he would or wouldn't have asked that question, if she took him back in, instead pushing him away then you be asking "why did he leave me for her, what has she got that i don't instead the questions have being asking. im sorry he must be feeling nothing for you if cheated, that is the most disrespectful thing ever to do to somebody, that just shows no love towards you and right now only staying put over the charges against him, he holding onto you for the last chance of inside court as you be used in court also, you be dragged in and onto the stand to be questioned (so prepare self for that too) and that is something need you for, not because he wants you, as if he did want you why cheat, why lie? why chase his mistress and happen to visit her in work thinking something will happen? why do all that too you??? love is working together and building better marriage each day, even if don't need fixing, supportive and can tell each other everything, a lover as well as best friend, wanting spend every spare waking moment with that person breathing in the air you breathe out!

    whatever happens from now to the court date, be prepared and decide deep down can go through all this for only him to be locked up for couple years or if does happen to get away with it (found not guilty in court) find somebody else and leave you - good luck

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    A great way to get your ex back is https://tr.im/Pl0eK

    They might realize they need you and come crawling back!

    If you do get back together, don't let the same issues that destroyed your relationship crop up again. Have a good, long talk about how you're both going to make it right this time.

  • Cala
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    You keep asking this question, or similar ones, so I'll keep answering. Mo-one knows what is going on in this guy's mine because he does not live by the same moral code that most people live by.

    Any man who can actually write the words "I'll f-ing hurt u good and rape you bad, u wh0re" to any woman has no sense of morals whatsoever, so we can't say what he could be thinking because he obviously does not think the way that normal men think.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    The first answer is right, you are too close to the situation to see the truth.

    And THIS is the truth:

    Your husband is a cheater.

    He assaulted her.

    He's obsessed with her.

    He still wants to have sex with her.

    And you need to get some counseling, because not only are YOU obsessed with her, you are risking everything to stay with a rapist, a liar, and a cheater.

    Do you even read the answers to your questions? I have seen SO MUCH good advice given to you, yet you continue to ignore it, and let this mess eat away at you. Open your eyes and see the gigantic writing on the wall. You need to divorce this asshole, and move on with your life.

    Please!

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