Whats your opinion of this novel i'm trying to write?

Question

Reborn

Preface

I grew up like any other child but when I turned 16 everything changed.  I kept getting flashes of another life; my mother had told me I was born precisely at 12:00 am and now I know that I was reborn and I am not human.




Chapter one
I woke up on my 16th birthday and I felt great, I showered and got ready. I opened my bedroom door and a gorgeous boy stood before me, he instantly walked in and closed the door behind us. He turned to me and said that it was time for me to learn the truth about myself.
I stared gaping at this boy.
“What do you mean?” I almost whispered it.
“I mean that you don’t know who you really are Lauren, what you really are.”
“Is this some kind of joke? Like seriously I am not having fun.”
“You are an individual and there is no other alike”
“I don't understand”
“What’s there to understand?  You’re a werewolf.”  
I laughed.
He stared blankly at me.
“You’re kidding? This is stupid.”
He shrugged.
“Slap me, I’m dreaming.”
“If you say so.”
He slapped me hard across the face.
I stood stunned.
“What the **** is you’re problem kid!”
“Get mad.” He said it calmly.
“You want me to get mad?” 
I punched him in the face.
“This is stupid.”
“I agree.” 
He smiled; I could see the amusement in his eyes.
“I hear something.”
Before the words even came out of my mouth he was gone.
I rolled my eyes. 
“What do you want Ben?”
I opened the door and my brother asked how I had heard him.
“When you’re older you’ll understand.”
I glared at him and he ran downstairs screaming.
I went downstairs expecting everyone to yell “Happy birthday Lauren!”
But instead the Boy stood there laughing.
“Where's Ben?” I asked curiously.
“Gone, with the rest of your family.”
“what do you mean gone?”
“There gone, poof; disappeared.”
I stared into the distance, lost in thought.
I have a connection with this boy Connor.
Like I knew him in another lifetime.
I'll have to watch him carefully I thought.




God shes beautiful, Thought Connor; 
“You do not need your family, Pack your things”
“What? Why?”
“Your coming with me”
She laughed, and her eyes sparkled with amusement.
“And how exactly do you plan on making me go with you?”
She walked closer till he could smell her minty breath and oh, did she smell good; The scent of fresh strawberries lingered on her.
Not to much to overwhelm his extraordinary senses, but just enough to keep him coming back for more.
He closed his eyes and breathed her in for a moment.
When he opened his eyes and watched her delicately arched eyebrow raise he mumbled an apology.
“How do I know your not some serial rapist?”
He cupped her cheek with his hand and leaned closer.
“Trust, my lovely love.”
And she went upstairs and packed her things.
 He smiled to himself, She was his soul-mate and now that he had finally found her,  he would never let her go.



I packed my things and walked downstairs calmly.
He stood at the door waiting, when I reached the bottom of the staircase; He took my bags and opened the door.
I pulled my sunglasses down and stepped into the hot summer heat.
He lead me towards an old beat up truck and I slid into the seat and turned on the radio.
“How are you feeling?” he whispered while brushing my hair aside.
I felt tears burning my eyelids, I blinked them away.
“How am I supposed to feel, I understand but I cant quite believe it; Like come on.”
“I'm sorry” He let his hand fall away from my cheek and focused on the road.
“Pull over” I said on impulse.
He looked at me with a frown but stopped the car.
“What is it?” He asked curiously.
His hand rested on my thigh and I shivered.
I looked him dead in the eye and he buried his hands in my hair and brought his lips to mine, His mouth was warm and delicious.
His tongue moved in rhythm with mine and I felt butterflies tingling the bottom of my stomach.
I climbed onto his lap and kissed him harder, his body responding to every movement I made.
His hands cupped my bottom and I arched my back, He groaned and pushed me back into the passenger seat and started the car.



Critisize me, just make it constructive.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Okay...I'm going to critique this, and I apologize in advance if I sound rude. I HATE rude critiques and I try not to do them myself. Here goes...

Your first paragraph is the most important; it needs to hook your readers in and tell us what the story is about. It's not a good idea to have your protagonist suddenly wake up, get ready (for what, by the way? School, an outing with friends, a trip with the family?) and be faced with some strange person at her bedroom door. Introduce Lauren to us first. Tell us her name. Show us what she looks like, describe her room some (every tiny detail is NOT necessary). Show us her thoughts: It's her birthday, what are her plans? What's she thinking?

You have to make your readers care about your protagonist. We have to like her and be able to identify with her before we can like your story. Right now I don't even know her, so how can I like her? I don't know anything about her, not even what she looks like - how can I identify with her?

As for this boy who appears, I need to first point out that he never told Lauren his name, so how does she know that his name is Connor?

Now, their conversation is strange and doesn't tell me much, other than Lauren is supposed to be a werewolf. But other than that, it doesn't make sense. Why does he want her to get angry at him? And when he hears something and disappears, the conversation between Lauren and Ben makes NO sense, and I have NO Idea what's going on. you need to clarify EVERYTHING in your dialogue. DON'T make your readers guess! 

Why did Ben run downstairs screaming? Don't tell us later. Tell us now. 

Why did your family disappear? Again - don't tell us later, tell us now. 

The relationship with Lauren and Connor doesn't make sense, it contradicts itself. It seems like Connor has showed up to give her information and help her out; if this is the case then why does he clearly want to torment her? Why is he hitting her and laughing at her? If he doesn't really want to be there, then tell us so. You don't have to say why just yet...but we do need to have a clear understanding of the nature of their relationship and we need a reason why he's acting like a jerk, or else we'll start to not like him. Unless he's a bad guy, you don't want that, right?

As for your preface, I think you could probably do without it. It's too cryptic, for one, and it's confusing. All I've gathered from it is that she's not human and that she was reborn. If that's all the information you wish to convey at that point, then you should probably include a quote from a prophecy or something like that, or something else that correlates with the story. 

Now, as for the rest...it's a bit unbelievable that this dude would show up and she'd just get in the car with him and take off. No smart girl would do that, no matter what kind of connection she feels. This guy has just showed up at her house and started talking crazy stuff about how she's supposed to be a werewolf, and he hit her, too - again, WHY is she just going along with whatever he says? Even if there's some other reason why that we'll find out later, it's not making sense now. I suggest leaving out the hitting, if you can - and perhaps have Lauren already know this guy from school or something. Maybe he's kept his distance all this time, or maybe he's the "weird kid", but I think that if she's going to go somewhere with him, then she has simply GOT to know him first. 

I do like how you've written the way he feels about her, but I don't like your shift in pint-of-view. You're writing as Lauren in first person, and as Connor in third...that's confusing to readers. You should keep it all in one point-of-view, and if you need to tell the story from Connor's eyes then make it third person so you can switch seamlessly.

All in all though it sounds like you've got the right creative ideas. Keep writing, the only way you'll get better is by practicing. Good luck!

Pecos Bill · Answer

I won't criticise your spelling and grammar; those can be corrected in the many rewrites you'll need before this story is ready for publication. Nit-picking those now is senseless. 

Writing from the first person isn't a good idea. Go back and count how many sentences you started with the word 'I'. Your preface and first few paragraphs are very predictable and can be seen in just about any excerpt posted on Answers by a teenager. It also doesn't give us any real information. 'Everything changed'? Then why mention what happened previously? Don't tell us things changed; show us! Allow the reader to 'live' these changes along with the character, not just sum up the totality of their lives in 'I was normal but then I wasn't'.

Golgi Apparatus · Answer

I skimmed the text, but stopped when I saw this line: 

“What the **** is you’re problem kid!”

This line doesn't make sense because you used 'you're' incorrectly. If we remove the contraction, then the line translates as: "What the **** is you are problem kid!” It may sound petty to pull out one line and criticize it, but such a basic error does not encourage me to read on. 

If you proof read your work before posting then you'll receive a warmer and more valuable reaction.

Anonymous · Answer

Only read the first paragraph in chapter one. I don't understand how she would be so calm, if a strange boy was in my bedroom i'd scream and run. It's not realistic. Also, if they fall in love it is just too obvious.

Ash · Answer

I thinks it great but i don't get why she would just leave with him. If some came to your house and told you to leave your family, your house, and your life, would you do it.

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Whats your opinion of this novel i'm trying to write?

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