living with someone borderline?

This is my second failed relationship that is not your normal breakup. The first guy that I was involved with was an abuser (mentally, physically) the second one which is now my husband is more of on emotional abuser, user than anything else. Right now people I feel really low. I blame myself for two failed relationships. It never seem to amaze me how not only are these guys have mental issues but I have suffered mentally just by being with these men. I guess the whole point of writing this is to reach out to anyone that's with a borderline which he is the one that tops all the relationships I been in. I feel trapped because trying to leave I am expecting punishment whether it's isolations, lies that he spreads about the events that happens in our relationship, using me and my assesses further for his gain and purpose or whatever one can think of. His attitude is above all else scary. In the past he has damaged my belongings, throw tantrums and rages if he does not get his way, denies he has a problem even though clinically its been stated, blames me for everything, he is never wrong. An event can happen only for him later whether it's a second or hours after only for him to recall a different story. I tried expressing my feelings to him stating "I feel" only for him to say I am putting him down so a lot of the time I just hold my feelings in. He threatens my life over and over again especially since his mother had died about two years ago which to mention he only got worse mentally. He won't keep a job leaving me to be not only the woman in the house but the man as well. What I can't figure out though is you don't even care that you put this stress on me even though I have told you this over and over. When he does work I ask for bill money only to go into a whole big situation about him not having the money. I had to come to the conclusions that he just using me. But, he says that I am crazy. We are in the process of a divorce. Even though he refuse to leave my house. I am forced to get a restraining order. I have been called everything from Snitch to Police just because I calls for help (911) when he acts crazy anyone would think that I am scared not knowing what he is capable of doing. He is currently trying to get as many people against me as he can at this point because I want out. He lies to people so they won't find out the true person behind the mask (BPD). I feel real down people because he knew me and my family aren't close so I don't have anyone to talk to about what I am going through but professionals. Where that is find talking to experts it's always help to have a listening ear elsewhere. I am really disappointed that I have made this mistake again.