please critic my short story?

Question

it is a story for school. it is about an adolescent african girl in ethiopa in the 1600s and how she experiences slavery, racism, emancipation etc etc please critic it and please give in-depth detail (character is believable, dialogue, grammer, spelling, punctuation etc).greatly appreciated and please do not hold back. 


 It is August 14, 1615 in the land of Harari, Ethiopia. Today is very hot and very busy on the farm, with father tending the fields and mother constantly running back and forth around the house to gather wood. I am stuck in the house watching the sheep as always. I watch them most of the day…I watch them nibble the dry grass lying under their hooves, I watch them trod through and around each other mindlessly, all while they bleat. I hear “baa, baa” throughout the day so much it is like a song playing in my head, bouncing off the walls of my mind so loudly I could barely hear my own thoughts. Despite all this, they are my only friends, my only sense of company, as I am an only child. It is very lonely during the day and I find little to do. I can’t go very far from the house because we live in the mountains on the hillside and mother always tell me it’s too dangerous to play by myself since I am somewhat clumsy. Even walking around the village during what little free time I have, it is still hard to find something to do because there is no one I can befriend…most of the children my age are in school. Oh, how I envied them. I longed to experience school, to talk with girls my age, to find some type…any type of friendship. I did not want the sheeps as well as the tainted feeling of misery to be my only friends. I asked my father one day why I didn’t go to school like the other kids and he merely replied, “Who will watch the sheep? You have no brothers or sisters to do it. Only you. Only you, Paka.” 
    What he said angered me. Those words…as simple as they were, sent a nasty, feeling trailing throughout my body. The sheep, those brainless bleating animals were the reason I could not attend school? Needless to say it angered me… it frustrated me to no avail. A matter so small, so trivial was what kept me from something with momentous significance to me. With those feelings still lingering, I never brought up school again to my father so instead, I asked my mother why I did not have any brothers or sisters. My mother did not answer me right away. The minutes she spent silent was what really gave me my answer. Her lips, those lips that kissed me before I went to sleep at night and what met me on the cheek when I awoke the next day curved into a frown. The forlorn expression on her face soon passed, and she spoke softly to me, “Some things you are not meant to know, my dear Paka.”
    What she said puzzled me yet gave me the ominous feeling of immense sadness, so I refrained to ever ask my mother that question again.

mtwaites · Accepted Answer

There are several of things that I notice about this writing.

1) Paragraphs -- you need to have developed paragraphs.  For instance where does each thought end, and when does another begin? I will show you an example.

It is August 14, 1615 in the land of Harari, Ethopia.  Today is very hot and very busy on the farm, with father tending the fields and mother constantly running back and forth around the house to gather wood.

I am stuck in the house watching the sheep as always. I watch them most of the day. I watch them nibble the dry grass lying under their hooves, I watch them trod and around each other mindlessly, all while they bleet.  I hear "baa, baa" throughout the day so much it is like a song playing in my head, bouncing off the walls of my mind so loudly I could barely hear my own thoughts.

This shows an example of separation of thoughts.

2) It should read either my father, or my mother.  It could be anyone's family with how you have it now.

3) You have too many "I"'s in the story. You need either to put transitional words i.e.: moreover, on the other hand, furthermore, in addition to as a few examples.

4) Some parts you need to develop a little bit more.  Some the sentences, and paragraphs have run ons, and some are a bit awkward.

Other than what I noted, it is pretty good. Good luck, and I hope that you get a good mark:)

Anonymous · Answer

Hi. 

After reading your story, I have to say that I didn't find anything there about slavery or racism. Racism would not have been an issue in Ethiopia in the 1600's,and Emancipation was not even a question in Ethiopia at the time. I believe you are trying to put a 21st Century western cultural norm onto a different time and place.

If you want to write about slavery, racism, and emancipation you might try writing about American history instead.

I guess my first question would be to ask what grade of school you are in. The next thing that I would tell you is that unless you have been assigned to write about this time period and place, then I would suggest that you might write about something you know well. Did they have "houses" in Ethiopia in this time period? What were the people's homes called? Are there mountain regions in the area you are writing about? Did they have "schools" in Ethiopia during that time period? Most countries do not have public schools. Even today, in many regions of the world the majority of children do not "expect" to get to go to school. If they live in an area that is so isolated, the sheep would not be the only reason this child didn't get to go to school -- money, distance, etc. would be other causes. I would also at least research to determine what child would have called her mother and father... but mother and father sound way too formal for this setting.

My suggestion, either research your subject well (depending again on grade level) and/or write about something familiar...so that it has the sound of authenticity.

Anonymous · Answer

some of the style is ok. But I keep waiting for something profound to happen or become apparent to the writer. It seems a bit too dramatic for such an anti climatic ending

Anonymous · Answer

SORRY I DON'T HAVE ENOUGHT TIME TO READ IT

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please critic my short story?

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