i thought i would have a go at writing a book nothing serious, what do you think ?

First of all, if this is your first time writing you've done incredibly well. This is engaging and easy to read, and you've definitely made good use of the first person narrative as it allows the reader to feel closer to your characters, which is something I for one am certainly starting to feel, even after a few paragraphs. You also write pretty well in first person; some people's work I've read is simply 'I did this...', 'I did that...' whereas yours is, as I've said, much more engaging to read.

You should never ask people to decide for you whether to continue with something or not – it's your writing and if you find pleasure in it then you should continue it, regardless of what others think. However, if you desperately seek my opinion, then I'll tell you that I think you have great potential as a writer and should most definitely continue to hone your writing skills.

Now please don't take this the wrong way. I'm a firm believer in giving constructive criticism (after all, how else can one expect to improve?) and I trust that you'll know the difference between someone tearing down your work and someone offering to show you where you're going wrong and how it can be fixed. So, without further ado, let's get into the critique section of this answer.

I can't really comment on the plot since this is only a small snippet, but I can comment on the technical side of the story (i.e. grammar, punctuation, etc). There are quite a few common mistakes first time writers make in your writing and I'll go over them now so that you can correct them and learn to avoid them in the future.

The first is punctuating dialogue. Now, the speech in any story usually has two parts to it: the words that are actually spoken and the tag (e.g. Ben said, Mary explained, Josh blurted out, etc). You've got the actual speech and tag covered but at the moment they're separated by a full stop. A tag should be preceded or followed by a COMMA (or an exclamation mark, question mark, etc) but not a full stop. For example, '“Yes, I’ve packed it all; seriously it will be as if I was never here.” I replied bluntly' should be: '“Yes, I’ve packed it all; seriously it will be as if I was never here,” I replied bluntly' (with a comma preceding the tag). Another example in your work: 'Try and remember that once in a while.” Yelled mum up the stairs', which should be: 'Try and remember that once in a while,” yelled mum up the stairs' or even: 'Try and remember that once in a while!” yelled mum up the stairs'. Take a look at the speech in a published book. It has commas separating the speech and the tag, rather than full stops, doesn't it? By observing these things in already published novels, you can use it to help you in your writing.

The second common mistake you make is missing out apostrophes in your writing. Apostrophes can show possession (e.g. John's dog, Sarah's cat) or they can be used to replace other letters to shorten a word down (e.g. 'it's' is the contracted form of 'it is') and they are vitality important to your writing, as are all forms of correct punctuation, otherwise your reader can become distracted by it and lose interest in the story. An example of an ignored apostrophe in your writing is: 'Its moments like this that I can’t help but to laugh...' The 'its' should be 'it's', as you can lengthen it to: 'It is moments like this...' Another example is: 'After turning 15 i had become officially old enough to be eligible for a place at St Marks Bording school' which should be 'St Mark's Boarding School' (typo of 'boarding').

Finally, here are a few general points that you should take note of. Always make sure you have a capital 'I', never a lower case one (e.g. 'After turning 15 i had become...' needs a capital 'I') and, generally speaking, write out the entire number if it's between zero and ten (e.g. '...elastic band of my wrist and wound it round 3 times.' - 3 should be 'three'). Also, there were several typos in this, which I'll list now so you can correct them.

...St Marks Bording... --> St Mark's Boarding

...job in the cantine... --> canteen

...the house to them selves... --> themselves (all one word)

...had not been rapped... --> wrapped

Last, but definitely not least; some of your sentences were run-ons or not grammatically correct. For example, 'Where I then flicked the elastic band of my wrist and wound it round 3 times' is not a grammatically correct sentence. However, if you take out 'where' then it becomes correct. Also, 'Try and remember that once in a while.” Yelled mum up the stairs, you would think that considering she wasn’t going to see me for months I’d of got the special treatment, but, apparently not' needs some punctuation adding in to prevent it from being grammatically incorrect. It should be: 'Try and remember that once in a while,” mum yelled up the stairs. You would think that, considering she wasn’t going to see me for months, I’d have got the special treatment, but apparently not.'

Okay, I think I'm about done here. Feel free to email me at clefayree_92@yahoo.com if you need any further help with your writing. If you want even more people to read your work and offer advice, I would suggest joining www.booksie.com, which is a site dedicated to writing. It has such a good atmosphere and the people on it are really friendly and welcome you once you join. There's a link on my YA profile page if you want to check it out and have a proper browse around. Let me know if you join because I'd love to read some more of your work!

Anyway, I hope this helps! :)

~UnderxYourxSpell

I am 14, and I don't like the fact that so many people are answering by saying "this is good considering you are thirteen". This is good anyway. Honestly! The story has quite a mature tone to it, so I think they mean that the maturity is impressive for a 13 year old, but anyway. Only one thing for me (maybe you don't agree, I don't mind)- "Also the children who thought Santa existed were CHUFFED with there top of the range clothes and gifts which had been given to them on Christmas morning, " This phrase is good, but "chuffed" always sounds to me like teenage slang as so many people I know use it as if it is so. Maybe you don't think of it this way, if you don't, then don't change it, this is just my opinion. From my point of view, the beginning sounds quite formal but then that word feels rather informal, therefore feels out of place. That's my only comment. Keep on writing!

It will probably cost you money rather than make it. So only do it for fun and the love of writing.

If it's nothing serious, you shouldn't worry about what other people think. As long as you are enjoying writing it, just have fun with it.

Good luck.

Keep right on going! You have a plot and characters...you're all set.

Good luck!

go for it its a great way to kill time

It's a little choppy.

Yeah go 4 it..

quite good voczblury, superb story and very good flow....

keep on writing!:)