I asked my husband to leave, he refused saying he would take the kids, can he?

Question

I am at the end of my rope. My husband has been unemployed for well over a year now. He is not actively looking for work, the house is a mess and the kids often eat peanut butter and jelly for dinner as I get home to late to cook them a proper meal. I am out my door at 5:45am every morning to make the 45 minute commute into my office. I leave my office at 5:30 or 6 every day, and the rush hour traffic often adds 30+ minutes driving time. Some nights I get home at 7pm. I walk into the door to a messy house, the kids are running like crazy, and laundry is piled up. My husband says he did not get to anything because the kids were such handfulls. One child is gone at school all day, the other is 2.
I am tired, I am at this point no longer even attracted to my husband. When we met he was an exec, but got laid off. NOW, he is barely looking for work, citing that there is nothing out there anyhow. He has had in the last year a total of six (6) interviews, of which not one called back. 
When he got laid off, I needed a better paying job, and after sending my resume out I had 13 interviews lined up within the first week, and then secured a final offer that month. It is because of that I am a bit skeptical that he is even really looking. 
On Friday I came home to another disaster area, plus had to pay after hour delivery fee (85.00) to have oil delivered because my husband "forgot" to order it during the by 10 am on Friday. I had reminded hinm of that 3 times Thursday and Friday, and he still forgot. We would have run out of oil over the weekend otherwise. I had to do 10 laods of wash over the weekend, as it was not touched during the week.
We do not talk, unless it is to argue. I have zero respect for this man any more. We are not initmate in any way.
I asked him to leave, and he said if he did he was taking the kids. He has no money, no job and if he left he would probably go to his mothers. His mother has a dog which has already bitten 1 child so I will not allow the kids to go there. 
SO, my husband won't leave unless he can take the kids. I think he says that just so I won't make him leave. I want him gone. I have suggested that he stay somewhere else (don't care where) and that he come to the house during the day to care for the kids in lieu of paying for child care. I think this is fair given I am paying every bill we have, his student loans and his car payment and will continue to do so. He STILL refuses a separation.
What next? I am the sole provider for this household, so I can't afford a lawyer, but I want OUT.

absolute · Accepted Answer

Whoa nelly!  OMG ok so we all want womans equality right?  So whats good for the goose is good for the gander right?  Ok, so review some of the answers and play role reversal, if this guy was a stay at home mom, would your answers be the same?  
I would say that if your hubby was an executive and is now laid off, he is most definately depressed.  It is a huge part of thier "manhood" to be a provider for his family and now he cant.  So he assumes the role as stay at home dad and has since discovered and also informed by you, that he sucks at that as well.  He cant work,  he cant do this right, and your not happy with him as a man in general.  You might as well casturate the man while your at it.  
Its not a sit on the couch eating bon bon time being the stay at home parent that he may have thought it was, while you were having the babies, now roles reversed, he realizes its not a walk in the park, it is a full time job+++, its the hardest job there is, no days off and not much appreciation.  
It is not worth destroying your family over, you guys need to talk and not criticize.  Get to the root of what is really bothering you.  Is it his appearance, his "manliness", his income, his housekeeping habits...seek counseling for the sake of your kids. 

so...is it the amount of work you feel that you are doing, or the lack of things he is doing.  I think your update answered your own question.  You are angry and feel that you are doing more than your fair share of the work for the family, and that he is not.  You need to realize that 1- it is not by his choice 2-he may not do as good a job as you would if you did it youself (not many men do).  You need to lend a hand and help him up off the ground and not kick him while hes down there.  He is the father of your children and if you are not careful, you could end up with no father for your children if the depression goes too far!  Good luck to you all!!  God speed =)

Tiger Lily · Answer

I think you should talk to him and lay down ground rules. Because YOU are the bread winner right now, HE has to be the stay at home Dad. Explain your expectation to him and ask him to change, if he doesn't after your talk, then you married a lazy man who has given up and it's time for a divorce.

Ground rules:
1. Do all the cooking
2. Do all the shopping
3. Take care of the house
4. Do all the house chores
5. Take care of the children
6. Look for work, ANY work

If he can't to this, then he can't pull his own weight and it's time to move on. I would just try to work on this marriage first, before you go the divorce route.

No, he can't take the kids, I suggest that when he leaves the house one day, that you change the locks. When he gets home and can't get in, tell him to go stay with his mother. File for divorce and full custody or your children.

Honey · Answer

You can't make him leave because he's not abusive to you. But he can't legally take the kids because he's proven himself unfit to care for them. Not only are they not being cared for/monitored, your husband isn't in a position to financially care for them either. If you were abusive to the kids, he could on those grounds. 

You can't afford a lawyer but he can't either. So both of you (if your income meets requirements) could get a pro bono attorney. Or, you can get a do-it-yourself divorce. Bottom line is, you can't make him do anything. All you can do, is what YOU can do. Your husband may be suffering from depression also. I'm sure it's rather defeatist to lose your job, especially a high paying one, and have to start all over again. I think you guys should see a therapist. Maybe your husband needs an outside opinion to get him thinking again.

living star · Answer

Congratulations to you for getting a better job.Did you ever think that your husband make be feeling 
so low and down.I've been out of work for 14 months and I am strongly looking everywhere.Have I gotten many interviews "No".Why I always ask? But here is my x-husband (were still living together) who has put resumes in and and has been called for interviews.He got many offers and a  job.And we each pay 1/2 of everything.So for you not to stand by your man during this tough economy it shows your true love for him.Before I was laid off,I worked and he was unemployed.But I was glad atleast my income was paying the bills,as he looked.You have so much angrier towards him that you want to throw in your towel.Are you sure you didn't find someone else and heres your chance to walk away?Did you try to talk to him about cleaning up the house and how that would make you happy and less stress out when you came home.It sounds like he joined all the unemployed in this recession depression.You are one inconsiderate women.Was your husband like this before he became unemployed? Is your husband receiving unemployment benefits?You should be helping him built back his self esteem and stop arguing with him.You 've made him feel so worthless and useless.So before you want him out stop and analyze this whole situation of wanting 
him out.Put your self in OUR shoes and see how it feels to be without a job in this economy for such a long period of time.And I hope you do have a talk with your husband and help boost him up
because what goes around comes around.

ssanchez always one up :) · Answer

Yes he can take the children. You would have to be the one to leave if it's really what you want. there is no and watch the kids while I am at work stuff especially in a messy divorce. I would stop paying his bills for sure and go to the court house to file. He can't afford a lawyer either so don't worry too much. Once you stop paying his bills you can afford a lawyer right? You may have to pay him alimony tho.

Anonymous · Answer

Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. If you do not do that, you will spend the rest of your life as it now stands. If your children are at home, they know things are not working and things will not be better for them until you get the courage to change the situation. Your husband is in a bind too, no one wants to live a separate life in their own home. Neither of you can leave without surrendering your legal standing in the home. Explain it to him in a public place, a restaurant is good, and let the process begin

Anonymous · Answer

You are going to have to suck it up a bit longer. Get your ducks in a row, and move on. I would stash little bits of money here and there.I would keep all my accounts separate.Let him go with out his needs but take care of the kids. I would do anything I could to find a sitter for the 2 year old. I know its expensive, ask beg someone to help you out for awhile with your child. You could file for child support but it takes a long time and isn't in forced for ever.
I would keep a running journal about his ill actions. Document every neglect full thing he does with the kids.
Apply for low income housing or rent assistance if you can.
I would shut the cable, and internet off. Use the computer at work and buy your kids some dvds.Let him sit and think.
If he complains he cant Look for work because of the computer, get him a paper or tell him its free at the library.
Make him so miserable.So maybe he will look for work.
But he is taking advantage. Move on, maybe see if you could find a roommate to share expenses. Maybe another woman out there who is in the same boat.
Good luck

The Original GarnetGlitter · Answer

You can file for divorce yourself...and if you do you file for full physical and joint legal custody for your children with visitations for your husband...and put him on child support whether he can pay or not....there are jobs out there, h@ll he can sling burgers at Mickey D's until something better comes along...

Do not do his laundry....just do for the kids, yourself and the home....do not cook for him either...tell him if he wants to eat then he contributes SOMETHING....keeping house and minding the kids properly is a contribution...

You may have to deal with him until the divorce is granted.....the courts will order him out and then you can have the sheriff's office enforce that....just be careful in the way you go about things.

He won't get the kids...I guarentee he won't WANT them because he'll HAVE to work to support them and he'll be responsible for them and he doesn't want any of the responsibility for them.....just look at how well he takes care of them & the home while you are at work........he's just blowing smoke out of his @ss because YOU are supporting him, he's doing diddly and he LIKES mooching and being lazy....

..so call your county Family Court and ask if someone can outline the procedure for filing for divorce 
if you choose to do it without an attorney.

chris b · Answer

yeah he can take the kids when he leaves.. all he has to do is say that you are gone 13 hours out of the day.  when you took your new job it was a year ago.. the job market has changed dramatically in that short time..

It isn't his fault you chose to take a job that far away from home to where you have no time with your kids or to have the house the way you want it to be.. maybe he has a different take on what a house should look like than you.. some people are anal retentive neat freaks and others will be more lax on the housekeeping... have you sat down and talked it over with him and figured out a compromise between your two different styles? Or do you just come home tired and cranky from the long day you chose to have and start yelling at him and barking orders??   

maybe it is in your approach.. you get more flies with honey then vinegar..though i question the need to want flies...but i digress..   but to reiterate.. yes your husband can take the kids with him when he leaves.. both parents have the right to their kids and it is for the courts to decide who gets them a majority of the time.

Anonymous · Answer

Omg ! look i know jobs are hard to come by right now, but there places that will take him in. im at wiregrass rehabilatation center. here they help the helpless get a job. see if there is a place like that in ur area.but maybe u guys should seperate for a li whilelet him get an appt . and try to work things out. take a break from each other.also wrc helps people get homes.

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I asked my husband to leave, he refused saying he would take the kids, can he?

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