Whats the best way of coping with the breakdown of my marriage?

Question

My darling wife kicked me out on Hogmaneigh after a small disagreement over something I think was quite petty.  To be fair though, things haven't been great for a while, our families can't stand each other (or respectively our partners).  I've tried everything to communicate with her without success. We have both done things over the last fifteen years that the other cannot seem to forgive or forget despite both agreeing on several occasions that we will.  She's adamant that our marriage is over, tells me about the guys she's now talking to, and is desperate to get rid of our daughter (2) at weekends so she can go out ( I have custody of our son (10)).  She seems very bitter saying to me things like "it was all a mistake", "we should never have gotten married" then goes uploading wedding photos to her FB, finds out i've been out for a few drinks then visits the pub midweek asking questions about me and point blank refuses to go to her lawyer to draw a line under the marriage that she says she's so desperate to be out of.  She on one hand tells me that she's not looking for another man, then tells me on the other that her personal life is none of my business.  She spent the latter half of last year shouting at me or my son EVERY night after coming in from work whether dinner/coffee was waiting for her or not, stopped sleeping with me, started wearing pj's to bed and even fell out with me in bed to avoid contact.  I'm worried sick about my health, her health and the effefct it's having on our children.  Just this week my dughter was picked up from nursery along with 2 behaviour warnings:  One for telling staff to " get out of my sight" and another for telling a staff member to " Kiss my butt" after being asked to pick a toy up.  We can't even communicate on a basic level, just all bitterness and aggro all the time. I don't want to lose her, but I fear that it way too late to salvage anything from this mess and tbh, I am not coping physically or mentally very well at all.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I don't think she knows what she wants but for certain she wants you to take note that she's not a happy lady and are you? I mean this in all sincerity are you really listening to her.

I think you've both over the years fell into a behavioural pattern, which by I mean you both fall out and then you both react in the pattern you've both established, using past tactics that have worked to gain each other back. Well she's had enough because she knows nothing changes using these tactics so now she's threatening divorce, the ultimate finale!

But she doesn't mean it, she just needs to be listened too and for you both to work together on changing your relationship for the better and not make all the usual promises that only last for a couple of weeks and then it's back to what she already knows.

Good luck!

♥♥The Queen Has Spoken♥♥ · Answer

I am so sorry you are going through this.  

I think your wife is having some serious issues.  She doesn't want you around, but is jealous that you might find someone else.  

If she isn't going to a lawyer to get a divorce you need to and you file for one.  

And consider counselling to help you work out your feelings about this.  I realise you really don't want to end Thai marriage, but if she is acting this way then you can't really force her to stay in the marriage.

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? · Answer

Seems to me the problem with marriage is people become too dependent on each other and expect too much from their partner. They lose perspective.
All I can suggest is you give her some space and find some fulfilling things in life. If you love her, let her know, but don't let her drag you down. Be strong for your children and maybe she will come back to you in the future.

christopher h · Answer

Divorce seems only logical in your situation.  You can only control one person - yourself.  So it's really up to you how long you put up with this behavior.  If you want a divorce bad enough then you should go get it on your own stop waiting for her to make the move.

Red · Answer

1.) Divorce will not magicaly resolve the conflicts. You will be dealing with each other until the children are grown.

2.) You can not control her, you can only control your self.

3.)Save it for big issues.

4.) Life is too short to spend it arguing with a drama queen.

Parthasarathy B · Answer

One of the commonest causes of divorce and litigation is PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Just ONE of the partners may be a PD. It is a MYTH that it takes Two people to go for litigation.

10% of the general population and 70% of jail inmates have one of the ten known types of PERSONALITY DISORDER!

I request all to read about PERSONALITY DISORDERS from the website : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorders. We are MOSTLY dealing with mental health disorders!
 
You can download from this link  http://www.mentalhealthshop.org/products/rethink_publications/personality_&#92;
disorder.html

http://deltabravo.net/custody/disorders.php

Probably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Also common is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) more often seen in men. 

Try to find out what type of PD your ex-wife is -use the help of wikipedia.com for this. Counsellors may not tell you, because of inherent difficulties in identifying PDs and because of living in denial, that women can be a PD!

HOW WILL THIS KNOWLEDGE HELP YOU?

Remember that a Personality Disorder will try to negotiate and deal with you, feeling her chances of manipulating and intimidating you are better than her chances of manipulating your lawyer or the court system. For this reason, refer all her comments and questions to your lawyer'.Be prepared for a variety of strategies that will change quickly until she finds one that works. She may use apologies, pleas, intimidations, threats,
guilt, faked disorders/ailments, accusations, etc.

As a Personality Disorder, her only goal is to bend the situation to her benefit. A common strategy used by PDs is to attempt negotiations and meetings outside the court setting, those I m sure we can work this out at meetings. Those are always intimidation-oriented meetings. Never agree to them. If your lawyer appears uninformed regarding personality disorders, you might ask for a consultation with another lawyer or a mental health professional. 

Personality Disorders have a sense of narcissistic pride that is threatened in a court situation. For this reason, they feel entitled to punish you, even after the court situation is over. Be cautious with any post-court deals where she will help in the future (share child expenses, agreements to pay for something, etc.), as those deals actually offer her an opportunity to torment you for years in the future.http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People

Judges, lawyers, and family court counselors need to be trained in identifying personality disorders and how to treat them. Mostly, a corrective on-going relationship is needed -- preferably with a counselor. However, they usually must be ordered into this because their belief systems include a life-time of denial and avoidance of self-reflection. 

IF THIS KNOWLEDGE HAS BEEN USEFUL TO YOU, PLEASE SPREAD IT!
OTHERWISE, PLEASE IGNORE IT!

Anonymous · Answer

Divorce her as soon as possible and refuse to let her put any stress in your life.

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Whats the best way of coping with the breakdown of my marriage?

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