How do you deal with a spouse who has an anger management problem?

She needs counseling, but understand that any reaction on your part can be considered abuse. If you want, I can connect you to this women for possible advice:

http://docs.dads-house.org/Men-Dont-Tell.pdf

http://dads-house.org/

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Anger Management Wife

I don't think I'm *quite* as bad as your wife, but I did inherit my temper from my father. And my poor hubby occasionally has to deal with the fallout of that (though he's not exactly Mr. Zen 24/7 himself).

One thing I'll say that helps is that my husband stays calm when I'm upset... not in an "I don't see why you're freaking out" kind if way, but in a "I'm listening to you and hear what you're saying" kind of way. Occasionally I'll get so angry I want to throw something, and last time I did he just had me hug him as hard as I could until I calmed down. I didn't want to, I wanted to cut myself off... but I have to say it worked.

He's just great with getting me to let go of my anger and frustration in general. For example, if I was in your wife shoes coming home after a bad day of bratty kids, he'd MAKE me hug him rather than letting me be aloof and cut off. He'd kiss me and hug me and tell me to let it go. Then he'd remind me that I'm a great teacher, that I do my job well, and that today was just a rough day and tomorrow will be better. He encourages me to focus on the positive... which is great, because I'm a natural pessimist!

Another thing that worked is working with a psychiatrist to be put on some mild mood stabilizing medications. *I* certainly don't enjoy vicious mood swings, much less anyone else, and they did help a LOT. I'm on an even keel most of the time these days. That has made my husband happier, since I doubt he enjoyed dealing with my dark moods. And I didn't enjoy being that way, because that's not how you treat someone you love. So I DID something about it. And I keep trying, and so does he, since temper issues also run in his family. Helping each other cope with life and our daily frustrations is a big way that we've both been really good for each other. You and your wife can, too... just remember that you're on the same side.

Hi, I feel your frustration. I am a woman married 20 years to a wonderful man. He is very kind hearted and easy going. In the past 2 years with two teenagers, and a grown daughter, their lives have affected mine negatively. (They are extremely lazy,) and my husband in his easy goingness does not care if the house is tidy. This is frustrating to me and when I ask for help from the kids, if I ask more than twice I am being "mean," and told by the kids that I have an "attitude!"

So, in that frustraed mode, I come off as short, and I am not as loving as I should be. I'd call it PMS but I have been menopausal for over 6 years.

There are days, that the house is in such a mess, that I would be ashamed to have company over. I have been known to open the downstairs door and just throw things. I rarely yell or shout, and never use bad language. Several times I have threatened to move to a hotel to get away form the clutter.

Finances prevent me from doing so.

What I would suggest is that you both sit down, and make a list as to what your pet peeves are. My pastor told me that we choose our mates according to what we are lacking in our own life. Do you attend church together? My hubby and I go, and believe me, it is the refreshing that keeps me in tow, to make it day after day. I wish you the best.

From the description of the situation, it sounds like she needs to decompress from work. This seems to be a recurring event from this information you impart. Therefore may just be her way of blowing off steam. A lot of times people just talk to talk. Not to have a problem solved or to invoke conversation, but just to mentally “let it all go”. Maybe if you approach this from that point of view and with that thought in mind, it might make your situation improve. If it’s really becoming something that you feel effects your relationship, you have to address it. Things don’t normally change for the better all by themselves. Hope this helps!

I have sympathy for you. I am a married woman, but my husband and I don't really have this problem. However, if he were that way with me and our kids I would have a serious talk with him. I would sit down with him and tell him that the children do not deserve to be treated the way he treats them when he has a bad day, and neither do I. I would tell him exactly how it makes me feel, and that if things continued it would cause a lot of resentment and eventually put out the flame or spark between us. One can only keep so much inside before negative things happen. If you keep stuffing down your feelings you will probably end up blowing up and having a lot of resentment towards her, and I don't blame you. Everyone has bad days, but that doesn't give us the right to treat others bad, especially our spouse and kids. I would tell her that you don't want to start a fight, hurt her feelings, or make her angry, but this cannot continue. You deserve to be able to look forward to coming home after work, not dread it and wonder what kind of mood is she in today? She needs to learn how to separate work from home. It's not your fault or the kids' fault that some brat at school made her mad, so you and the kids shouldn't have to suffer the consequences. I would just be completely honest about everything and how you feel. She may be upset at first, but she'll get over it, and if she loves you she will listen and take what you say to heart. If she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings, then maybe some anger management classes or therapy would do some good. However, I would definitely offer to go with her, especially the first few times because 1) it shows you're being supportive and 2) she may be intimidated to go alone. I know it will really suck to have to sit down with her and tell her how you feel, but if you don't your marriage will eventually come to an end. Eventually, you'll reach your breaking point. When you reach that point you may have an affair, or avoid coming home, or just ask for a divorce. It is better to get everything out on the table now so the two of you can deal with this problem before it is too late. I'm not sure if this will help you, but my husband and I write each other letters when we want to say things they may be hard to say other wise. For example, if I make him angry, he will write me a letter instead of talking out loud about it. Then, I will write him back. When you write letters instead of talking out loud, it gives one time to cool down, think, and a chance to say everything that is on their mind. Maybe you and your wife can try this. It has done wonders for my marriage. Lastly, we also write letters to each other just to say I love you and nice things to each other, we don't only write them when we are mad. I hope I have helped you. Good luck! Best of wishes.

Excuse me if I go out of bounds here but it sounds like everyone is tip toeing around your wife. Ooh, she had a bad day, don't upset her anymore than she already is. You need to straighten her out and I mean get in her face and lay down the law. You do that a couple times and I'm willing to bet she'll adjust her attitude. When do you get to have a temper tantrum because things didn't go well at your job? When do you get to mistreat everyone? You are holding in all this anger and in time it will turn into resentment.

I don't know about your wife but it sounds like me when I'm PMSing. I tried exercise, diet, different vitamins, herbal remedies saw the doctor just anything we could think of but it still happened. I had a gynecologist once that wrote me a prescription for a punching bag or if I needed to get out of the house she said to take a 2x4 and beat it against a tree. We tracked my cycle on the calendar so both my husband and I would know when it was coming and he could prepare himself for what we refer to as my "temporary insanity" He would just be kind and make me a cup of tea or run me a bath but more importantly he'd give me my space. The hardest part for him was learning not to laugh at me because that would just make me crazier. It has gotten better over the years and I believe that's because we worked together to understand that it was out of my control and it really wasn't me. Even today he gets a funny look on his face when I say "I could just chew the legs off a chair" lol. We've been together for 30 years now and he says when menopause hits he's just going to go fishing.

* the best time to even suggest this might be a problem is the week after her period when she's herself again.

You and I should get together and let my "no-nonsense unless I'm the one dishing it out" husband put your wife in her place. You sound like me, feeling disrespected and like you're walking on eggshells. For one thing, don't be extra nice to her when she acts like that. And another thing - you don't have to sleep on the couch - she's the one misbehaving! I would consider it an anger management problem and I'd try shutting down on her. I'm trying the silent treatment for a few days. If he starts yelling, I'll bring my kid into my room and lock the door. I know that if I yell back, he yells even louder. So the best thing to do is let him feel like the rest of the kids don't want to play with the bully.

First of all, it has nothing to do with anger management. Anger issues consist of verbal abuse, or physical abuse when someone is angry. She has a serious problem. She takes it to an extreme. Tell me, When she's happy, does she seem like she is on top of the world? Taking emotions to an extreme like this, is a sign of Bipolarity, or manic-ism. Bipolar Disorder is caused from a chemical imbalance in the brain, and counseling and medication are needed for this. Manic-ism is a more serious form of Bipolarity, and if not treated properly can cause a person to become suicidal, or homicidal. Seek help, NOW.

i know how you feel but you have to confront this it may well blow up in your face but you have to be strong and not tolerate this situation.

you already understand the reasons why she s like this but she cant just bring this back home its wrong and she is making life difficult for everyone .

so i say have real words with her tell her what its doing to you and the kids .

be totally brutal and honest with her , she must either get some help to de stress herself and chanel that anger elsewhere or your relationship will just deteriorate then it will be to late .