What do you think of my story so far :) ?

I have to say, this is VERY well written, and that's a very big compliment coming from a major pedant like me. There were only a few very minor faults, which I'll address now.

-'“Have fun!” She called just before the door slapped shut again.' << This should have a lower case 's' for 'she'.

-'It was a humongous white glamorous building, three stories high, with a gym and a swimming pool.' << As a generic rule, I would say don't list more than two adjectives all together otherwise it seems like you're being over-descriptive. Also, 'glamorous', for some odd reason, makes me think the building's sparkly (probably me thinking of 'glamorous' celebs). The fact that you've told the audience her house is a mansion reveals that it's going to be rather 'glamorous', since mansions with gyms and pools tend to be. Therefore, I'd suggest: 'It was a humongous, white building, three stories high, with a gym and a swimming pool.'

-'She laughed for a moment before replying. “Thanks, but you do realize that you say that every time you see me, don’t you?”' << I would suggest a comma after 'replying'.

That's the grammar and punctuation covered. Now for the plot. That said, there isn't much here to evaluate since it's only a small excerpt. I don't know if you mention it before or after this section but do you include how Josh feels about Chelsea? What is his relationship with her like? Are they just friends or more than that? When he sees her coming out of her house you could describe his feelings a bit maybe? These are just suggestions based on what you've posted here, so if you do explain their relationship earlier or later in the story then just ignore them.

Overall, this is very, very good. Based on this so far, I'd buy the book but it would have to have a pretty original plotline to hold my interest. Schools for children with supernatural powers is a storyline that's been done before so you need to have some original twists up your sleeves to make this anything special.

I don't think it's very representative to give this a score out of ten since it's such a short extract, but I will give it a score of 9/10 for grammar and punctuation. Bravo! I don't know if you've ever considered it before but you might want to post your story on a website like www.booksie.com rather than on YA. Booksie has such a friendly atmosphere and there are always people willing to read and comment on your stories. I know several people on that site who are very good at giving long, extremely detailed, constructive comments for novels (they've helped me more times than I can count). There's a link on my YA page if you want to have a proper browse around the site to see if you like it :)

Anyway, good work here and I'd certainly like to read the rest of this if you do decide to post it!

I hope I've helped a bit :)

~Spell

Overall good. You have a couple points where you transition from one sentence to another rather abruptly but that will work itself out automatically with experience. Also, I can't tell from this excerpt if your character is a recent immigrant but if not, no American would ever say "American football match". In the US, virtually everything is a 'game', never a 'match' and there is never any confusion about the word 'football'. American football is 'football', global football is 'soccer'. When writing a character of an unfamiliar culture, review a local newspaper on line to pick up on colloquiallisms.

Hey!

I gotta say, enjoyed it, and i reckon id buy it if it was out.

Just one little minor error to point out -

I don't actually think humongous, white and glamorous sounds right in the context. Maybe rearrange it a little - "It was a glamorous building, three stories high and a dazzling white that was almost blinding."

All the others have been mentioned, methinks :)

Yeah, if i were you, id definatley carry one with it, it sounds ike the foundations of what could be a great story. ♥

i'm additionally an 11 12 months previous author! :) i'm hoping you do no longer recommendations, yet I fairly have some comments on your tale. case in point, you have used words like "frightening" and "wood floor" many times. you would be able to desire to objective looking some synonyms to those words to apply on your tale. additionally, your sentences are very short and speedy. that's beneficial to take the time on your tale to be a splash extra diverse. Describe the putting, and the character's thoughts. stable success! :) by ways, your tale jogs my memory of a e book I as quickly as study in third grade that had the comparable plot. a woman waking up from a nightmare with a kin and a attractiveness that replaced into unfamiliar to her. i won't be able to undergo in recommendations the way it ended, yet i'm specific it replaced right into a stable e book. :)

It sounds really professional but there are a few points that need to be worked on. For instance, he doesn't really sound like a 16 year old boy. Also, you do have more, right? I like your descriptions, is Chelsea 16, too? I think you should give a little more history of her, but maybe you do that in upcoming chapters?

Nicely written. But I dont think a boy would know what kind of shoes she was wearing... Im not a boy but it seems they wouldnt know what pump shoes are.