Bi-polar disorder... Can anyone tell me about their personal experience?

in mania, you will notice a reduced sleep cycle - like you only need say 4 hours of sleep a night, for weeks at a time, or even less sleep. If you haven't had periods of time like that, I would say that it isn't likely to be bipolar disorder.

I wrote this up a long time ago:

When I have mania, it is like I am all powerful, at one with the world, the ideas are pouring from me, my life is blossoming. Everything I touch turns to gold. I am incredibly creative and intelligent, I think so quickly. I have a lot of fun around others and make a lot of jokes. Sometimes, I get all full of myself, and find everyone else to be stupid and lazy. I don't get these much anymore-I think most people get fewer hypomanic episodes as they get older. These hypomanic episodes probably last a month or two. Usually, the work I do is good during these episodes, but there is also often some self-important crap that I thought was good at the time. I end up blowing a lot of money on stupid things like jewelry and clothes, things I don't need. In the past I have been totally inappropriate like did computer sex and went bankrupt etc. etc, totally out of character for me. I sleep 2 to 4 hours a night during these times, sometimes as much as 6.

Then I am crushingly defeated. I can't get out of bed. Or, I can't even decide between chicken noodle soup or a sandwich, so I go back to bed and eat nothing. Nobody cares. Everyone hates me (despite ample evidence to the contrary). I can't think. Can't pay attention. I sleep 12 to 16 hours a day, or even more (I do get a terrible backache).

Sometimes, I can be both at the same time. The anguish is intolerable. I am in agony, like everybody I loved betrayed me deeply and I deserved it because I am divinely evil, and should suffer for my sins (not that I've done anything particularly wrong). The world would be better off if I am dead. The delusion going on here is that my supposed evilness goes far beyond my real influences in life. Everyone in the world would be better off if I were dead. It's grandiose, but in a bad way. Also, in this mood (which is called dysphoric mania, mixed moods, whatever) I am quite hyper and agitated about these things. It is quite a torture. It is hell on Earth. Like being burned alive in the flames of Hell. The most agony that anyone could ever experience, and it goes on and on and on and on and on for months at a time with almost no relief. Worse than the straight depression, because I sleep through most of my regular depression and mostly don't care.

This mixed moods/agitated depression (dunno what to call it) is my USUAL state of being. I actually resent the people in my life insisting that they want me to live. I believe it is euthanasia if I kill myself, but since nobody else thinks so (THEY aren't in my head and don't know how I suffer) I continue to suffer along. In mixed moods, it can appear that my emotions are changing rapidly, but they are not-I am despairing, but I keep a lid on it most of the time so far as my behavior goes. I explode and verbally berate my husband when something interferes with my control, like frustration (such as filling out forms, making a mistake on Sudokus, have trouble with the DVD player).

I still get the obsessional behavior that I get with hypomania. I really hate it when someone interrupts me when I am doing "My Work." Whatever that is. Definitely needs the capital letters, because it is so important to me. It could be any project at all, and switch from hour to hour. When I'm at my most emotional, which is usually caused by frustration, as I said before, I can't think. Such as doing income tax forms, I have a math degree, it is trivial, but I just cannot follow the directions. Can't even follow a recipe for cookies. Then I cry and cry and want to blow my brains out because I am so stupid and worthless and a parasite on society because I am disabled and my husband and everyone else hates me and the world would be so much better off if I were dead because then I wouldn't be parasitizing all you nice people who work hard for a living to support me, I am a tick. You get the idea. It all streams in a flow like that, and oh, how it hurts. And I really believe this stuff.

Nobody outside of my home can tell from my behavior, tho. I'm too smart to show it-I know how to act. If I'm talking to my therapist, psychiatrist or a social worker, or going on about this with my husband, well, that blows the lid off. I have noticed recently, if you put all the symptoms of mania and depression on a dartboard and threw several darts at it, that would be my symptoms that week or month.

As soon as my mood improves, all these thought go away like magic. The way I don't kill myself is I remind myself over and over that I'm not thinking quite right and my husband and brother and cats need me. There is a lot of seasonality to the symptoms (worse in fall and winter), and PMS is sure to be a time of pure hell. Other times can be just as awful, but PMS is sure to be a bad time.

my mother is bipolar and it ruined our family, nuff said, i feel no sympathy even though it is a condition..we didnt get a headsup we'd be robbed of our childhood straight into our adult life. theyre selfish, rude, vulgar, lets just say there wouldnt be enough soap to wash that bs that can come out of their mouth. no remorse from her and has absolutly no trouble showing she doesnt give a ****.

hope this helps!