Communicating & Reuniting with an abusive parent?

Question

My parents were divorced when I was 13 due to extreme physical abuse of me, my mother and my younger siblings as well as my father's heavy cocaine use.  My mother divorced and left the state with all of the minor children and we never communicated with my father again.

20 years later, I'm successful in life and sort of interested in reuniting - he is in his late 50's.  I know exactly where he is since my oldest sister and 1/2 brother were adults and stayed in contact with him.  I spoke to him for the first time in 20 years just last month.  He didn't apologize and was actually very brief (maybe 5 minutes).  That was it. I don't know what to do further now.  How do I call back and strike up a conversation?  I have no idea where to start or what to say.  Who knows if we will actually reunite in person.  Just talking it out and taking opinions sometimes helps - what do you think?

Oh, I also suspect that he may still be on drugs but I really don't know.  My mother is still in fear and my younger siblings want nothing to do with him and have not and will not speak to him ever again so I'm in this on my own.

Zoe · Accepted Answer

I have been in a somewhat similar situation - well 20 years and counting.  Ugh.

Anyway, before you try to contact him again I would like to go over a few things:
1)  You have to be honest with yourself about what you want from this reconnect and what you think HE wants or what HE is willing to do.  He may not want to reconnect.  That is no reflection on you BTW, it is only him.  I understand wanting to reconnect.  HE is your father for crying out loud!  BUT sometimes the people that give you life do not really deserve or even want or are capable of giving you what you want or need from them.  Sometimes they are just good for nothings or just completely vacant. 
2)  Are you willing to have this person in your life or are you just curious about what happened all those years ago.  You should set that boundary ahead of time.  What if he asks for money?  What if you hook up, he is a bad person and then you cannot extricate yourself?
3)  Are you OK with being rejected?  Why are you trying to do by reconnecting?


If you value the opinions of your siblings, ask them what he is about.

I have to say though that if he is still on drugs and your mom still fears him what are you thinking trying to reconnect with him?  You have your life together.  Maybe it would be really good for you to first put this man into perspective.  He is not critical to life and in fact may be harmful.  he is just a man with some sperm.  Don't let chasing a dream take over what is clearly a better path you are now on.

Think hard, be honest with yourself, be selfish with your good life (that you made).

? · Answer

I had a similar situation and I found like you at some point someone has to extend an "olive branch." In my case I knew if I didn't it would never happen. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with my last remaining parent isn't a bed of roses but I make the best of it.

I am always reminded of the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family."

I applaud you for wanting to reach out and try. It takes a lot of courage.

Good Luck!

Kevin P · Answer

dont push it. you have made contact. when he is ready he will be there and hopefuly it wont be to late. if you push you will open your self up for a world of hurt.

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Communicating & Reuniting with an abusive parent?

3 Answers