How do i cope with a 28 year guest of the prison system now that he is home?

Dear Storyteller, I know exactly what your talking about because my brother went into jail at age 20 and was incarcerated for over 20 years. When he got out, my dear sister and her husband took him into their home to try and help him adjust to life. He had the same disconnected emotions and strange behavior you described. When you realize that he was locked up as an unformed adolescent you will see that he never had to do the many things that make us all into adults. He has never had to work. Never shopped for groceries or clothes. Never dated, never formed a lasting romantic relationship. No concerts, no sporting events. Never learned to cook. Never raised a child. The list could go on and on and on.

Let's face it, your companion spent all of his adult life in a cell with almost nothing required of him - by anybody. He only knows how to think of himself. He only knows "minimal effort." He doesn't know how to be giving or thoughtful or empathetic; in prison these skills never get a chance to develop.

I wish I could give you a reason to hope, but I cant. The real world is like an alien planet to your guy. Sadly, my brother NEVER felt comfortable "outside." He was constantly frustrated, angry and scared. So much so that he deliberately commited a crime again so he could go back to prison. You might not be able to move back from whence you came , but it might be a sane and respectful thing if you and he did not live together until he adjusts to his new unfamiliar life.

To answer your "how do I help" question: Don't throw too much "real life" at him. That means, don't place a lot of demands to be loving, talkative, or normal. Stay calm - don't have emotional melt-downs when he lets you down. Give him "alone-time." Ask him to help with small chores around the house (you might have to teach him even the simple stuff.) Take him on short trips to stores to see what the products and prices are; I guarantee you he'll be shocked. I know this isn't what you bargained for when you moved to be with him. If it's all a bit too much for you, your reaction is healthy. That's why I recommend living apart from each other.

I wish you both the best.

Jail life has traumatized him and he has built a shell around himself to cope with it all, you cna't fix him. You can't expect anything from him. Remember that he is unable to give you what you need so if you are expecting annything from him you may aswell quit now. It is like asking a diabetic to stop being diabetic because it doesn't feel right for you. This man has lived more of his life in jail than out in the real world, put yourself in his shoes for a moment and try to imagine how you would be in the same circumstances. If you are lonely then I suggest you find a partner that is not in need of such specialized care. I think you are being a bit selfish

wow, that is a sad story.

could have a look at this: http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/ i use it cause i have AS, but still of use to anybody with difficulty with social skills.

try looking up a condition called 'social anxiety' or 'social phobia'. there are self-help guides online, i think.

seeing a therapist is always an option.. have someone help him with 'exposures' to certain people and situations.. i expect he hasnt heard of all the new treatments out, like Mindfulness/D.B.T., or C.B.T.. if he lives in the UK, there are support groups in association with the NHS for people looking to 'go back' into society after dealing with mental health issues, and they may accept him..

teaching him how to use the internet to branch out to others could help.. tho i suggest he stays away from competitive, fast-paced, group-behaviour orientated sites like facebook, twitter, etc.. dont push him anywhere.. could try starting with going to a gentle hobbie once a week which involves others, like art, or chess, etc, and just letting him open up in his own time... he needs to build up his self confidence..