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What do you think of my story?

This is the opening of my story and I want to know if you would read on, you don't have to read all of it, at least the first paragraph and tell me if it draws you in, if my main character is believable (so far), if my first line is interesting enough.

You can also comment on my grammar, my weak point

Keep it constructive - here it is-

The chill threatened to freeze my eyelids off as I walked briskly down a white blanketed road. I despised winter, I was almost glad to have been away for the start of it, but I was back now. Back in a frozen city.

Marni’s house wasn���t too far from the bus stop, only a couple blocks away, I wouldn’t have to endure this iciness much longer. I could understand how Natalia and Jorge were too busy for me, but I silently cursed David for not driving me to Marni’s, his selfishness was so unwarranted, did he want me to slip on ice, break my neck, and subsequently die? I concluded that yes, yes he did wish my death, nobody who cares about you lets you walk to your death in –20 degrees temp–

An ear-splitting noise resounded throughout the relatively quiet neighbourhood, breaking through the cold silence painfully. My head impulsively shot up to the source of the sound, it was glass shattering from one of the apartment buildings. It rained down in sparkling shards and decorated the glittering snow. I would have thought it a dazzling site if it hadn’t been for the body that came flying through with the glass.

It was as if she had been running and kept on going through the window, I swore for a minute her legs were still kicking through the air after she went through the wall of glass. I don’t know how I had any time to notice this, because within seconds the laws of physics began to apply to her again and gravity sent her plunging 14 stories toward the glass covered snow.

I fell backwards, winded by the momentum of her fall crashing into me. My neck snapped backwards and my head hit the road with incredible force, I almost blacked out, barely hearing the screams.

if you want to continue reading here is the link to the full chapter, there are 4 completed but only one posted

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chap...

2 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    To be honest, The first line made me cringe. I just think it was such a bad selection of words. Please change it because, It almost put me off reading. I read onwards and I have to say your writing got decisively better even though it seemed you were trying to hard to fit some big words in there.

    The scene were the woman jumps out of the window is quite confusing. The whole detail and length of which the action described entails that the narrator was observing what happened from a distance. Yet then the narrator also claims the person had fallen over them. I had to read that whole part again to see if I had understood correctly. Although it is a very good description, since the narrator and the main character are the same person all the detail used makes it sound unreal. If someone plunges on top of me from a 14 story building I doubt that I would gather such detail or anything at all actually. Probably I wouldn't know what hit me. And if someone drops on you from that height I believe that would definitely blank out, if not kill you.

    In order to solve this I would either narrate the story for a 3rd person view or take some of the detail out.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I read the first few paragraphs. its Great!!! Good luck

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