How do you help a person with Borderline Personality Disorder understand SOME reality in a crises?

It is good of you to be there for her during this time. However, all you can really do is listen. No matter how tactfully you tell her the truth, she will see it as an attack and attack back.

You know for yourself that she can't "hear" you and anything that is painful for her will only cause her to become suicidal. It is a manipulation I am sure you know but she could actually follow through if not taken seriously.

The best thing for you to do is to surrender all hope that she will ever change and still manage to care for her. By really giving up you open up a new way of communicating with her. You don't have to agree with what she says and does but you can validate that to her these things are warranted.

You can say something like, "I can see why you would feel that way". or "I'm sorry you feel that way" and let it go.

Be a rock and never let anything she says move you away.

Well I'm speaking from personal experience, I have BPD also. All you can do is encourage her to seek help, but if she won't admit to her problem there may be nothing you can really do, it's really up to her to take the first step. I'm not sure how much you know about BPD, but maby if you read a few books about it you can have a better understanding of what she is going through and relate to her better. My favorite book is called "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me" by Jerold Kreisman, you can also try "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" by Robert O. Friedel.

It sounds like a really difficult situation.

I have borderline personality disorder and I guess I can relate to this situation to a certain extent. I think I am very good at realising why people are the way they are to me and that sometimes i do over-react and treat people very badly but I can usually only see this once the situation is over- to get me to realise I'm being unreasonable when I'm feeling angry/victimised/let down/hurt/sad is very hard.

It sounds like your relative really needs some support right now, what with the loss of her child, and I'm guessing she feels very let down if people aren't feeling able to be around her in her period of grief (even though it sounds like they do have good reason not to be).

If I were her I'd want to know that someone is on my side and for someone to empathise with me to a certain degree and tell me that I'm right to feel sad that people can't tolerate being in my presence at this difficult time- I'd want someone to acknowledge the pain I'm going through and that they'd feel angry too if their friends/relatives weren't around them at such a difficult time. Make sure you acknowledge that those are really valid feelings- I imagine the worse thing for her would be to feel such strong emotions and then feel 'attacked' (I know that wouldn't be what you were doing but to her it would feel that way) by being told that you are not very nice to people and therefor it's justified for others not to be around right now.

Once you've validated her feelings it then would be worth you saying pretty much what you've said here- say that you care about her, you hate seeing her suffer but that people are scared to be around her because she can say and do things that are hurtful towards those people. Make her feel cared for but also tell her the truth. maybe say you understand she might not mean those things to be hurtful but that they are to other people.

I don't know if I've made much sense- essentially I feel like I'd want someone to acknowledge how awful things are. If I'd lost a child I'd want my family and friends to be around me regardless of how I acted- I'd be angry and hurt if I felt people were distancing themselves from me and to me it would just confirm that I'm hated by everyone and that everyone else is an a**hole.

Try to make her feel heard but also don't shy away from telling her the simple facts of the matter. Maybe write it in a letter so she can't just react viciously in the spur of the moment- a letter would give her a chance to digest the information and re-read it until it made sense.

I hope this has helped, good luck with it.

A previous answer follows; use what helps: Often because of their upbringing, people suffering from BPD lack the ability to regulate their moods, tend to see things in terms of black and white, rather than shades of grey, and often idealise, then devalue, in relationships. They also tend to have a great fear of abandonment, and sometimes go to extreme lengths to prevent it. They often become involved in alcohol and/or drug abuse, and/or high risk activities. Closely examine the http://1-800-therapist.com/ & http://www.metanoia.org/choose/ websites. Contact the local & national organisations of clinical psychologists, therapists, and/or psychiatrists, to find a therapist who uses Dialectical Behavio(u)ral Therapy, or get a good book on the subject, and give to a therapist using Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy (fairly common, and probably nearby) and ask that it be incorporated into your treatment. Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm & http://www.behavioraltech.com/downloads/dbtFaq_Con... Some locators are via the index page, at your-mental-health.8m.com below.

Workbooks that offer good coping skills are: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley, & Marsha Linehan's Skills Training Manual (a DBT Workbook). Read "I hate you: don't leave me." by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Stras. Also: NEW HOPE FOR PEOPLE WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, by Neil R. Bockian, Ph.D., & The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide - Paperback (Nov 2007) by Alex Chapman and Kim Gratz, & Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies (For Dummies [Health & Fitness]) by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith, & The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Randi Kreger and James Paul Shirley. Try www.amazon.com for these, and others on BPD. View: http://www.sane.org/information/factshee%E2%80%A6 & http://www.2knowmyself.com/uieforum?c=sh%E2%80%A6 Check out: www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/chat.htm & www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/board2d.htm & www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/ & www.ehow.com/how_2154549_find-borderline-personality-disorder-support.html & www.borderlinecentral.com/articles/bpdsupportgroups.shtml

Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.htm... or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditat... or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra, (a series of easy mental exercises only; no flexibility required) on page L, at 8M.com. Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more alternatives along such lines are at http://your-mental-health.8m.com/blank_11.html and see page X about BPD.

she needs professional help and/or may never change. sometimes people have problems in life that they cannot get past and forget.

diabetes can cause moodiness and physical problems. you can talk to her but she may not listen.

you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.