does this poem/thing sound okay?

To be honest I do not really like it. It is not aesthetically pleasing. No flow. (ME)

A Mencken Chrestomathy (New York: Knopf, 1949; rpt. New York: Vintage Books, 1982), p. 459, with reference to a column by Mencken in The Smart Set (June 1920), pp. 138-143:

Poetry, in fact, is two quite distinct things. It may be either or both. One is a series of words that are intrinsically musical, in clang-tint and rhythm, as the single words cellar-door and sarcoma are musical. The other is a series of ideas, false in themselves, that offer a means of emotional and imaginative escape from the harsh realities of everyday.

Also it is too straight forward. (ME)

Poetry is what gets lost in translation. ~Robert Frost

Poetry is a packsack of invisible keepsakes. ~Carl Sandburg

Try expanding into your imagination and emotion a bit; paint pictures of your emotions with your words. (ME)

Poetry is the language in which man explores his own amazement. ~Christopher Fry