Husband depressed- now I am deeply depressed- cant handle the negativity!?

Question

My husband, as long as I have known him, is very obsessive, compulsive, tempermental and generally a moody guy. We've been together for 6 years. The past few months I can hardly stand being around him. It's almost like I have HAD IT with his moodiness. The kids and I walk on eggshells so as not to upset him. He berates us for talking too  loudly, walking too loudly, not going to bed when he does, cooking something he doesn't like to eat... he comes home from work, doesn't even take off his boots, and falls asleep on the couch until dinner time. He bitches about WHATEVER dinner is, eats, then goes back to the couch for a nap. Then he wakes up, has a shower, and goes to bed. It's been this way for about a year. He is very quick to get angry over trivial things- the milk pitcher not being refilled, ice cubes not made, me asking him to do something for one of the kids (we have 2). He will not be alone with the kids, either. He goes away for baseball 2 nights a week, and one full weekend a month. He has signed up to go away for ball 3 weekends a month now. He took a second job without really discussing it with me. 
I asked him if he was happy, and he said "Yeah, I have the best wife and kids in the world, even if you guys do make me a little crazy sometimes!". His friends always say he talks about the kids and I like we're the best people in the world. Yet, he does NOT interact with the kids hardly at all, unless forced to. He says maybe a dozen words to me when he is home, usually to ***** about me not doing something right. When the kids do something that pisses him off, his first reaction is to raise his fist and act like he's going to backhand them (usually our 8 yr old son, who is terrified of him.). Then he stops himself and just walks away. He has never hit any of us. But when he does get mad, the first thing he does is raise his fists. It's agressive and scary. 

I really think he has some depression issues. Today was his first day home in 3 days (away for ball). The kids and I had a wonderful weekend- watched movies, went shopping, did crafts, cuddled and read books, etc. Within an HOUR of him being home, our son was upset and not talking, our daughter (shes 3) was baby talking (she speaks perfectly when he isnt home), and I was a nervous wreck. He brings with him this negativity, and the whole vibe of the house gets tense and sullen when he is around. I almost prefer him not to be here. 

I have tried talking to him about all of this, and he brushes it off- "you never do anything wrong and I'm the bad guy alll the time, huh? Perfect you, and I'm an effing jackass." blah blah blah. Or- "You baby (our son) too much, He's got to toughen up. I'd never actually hit him."

I have been sitting here crying since he got home. He's just so overwhelming to be around. When he's not home, everyone is SO much more relaxed. Even our DOG is more relaxed and friendly. When he is home, she's bouncing around or hiding from him. When he's not, she is happy, friendly, listens better... 

I am so scared that I am becomign depressed, I have gained 40 lbs in the past 6 months. Tonight I sat and ate a whole bag of cookies, I just couldn't stop. I can't sleep in the same bed as him, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling all night. I hardly sleep at all. I cry at everything- no mail in the box, my tv show isnt on, the jello didn't turn out right. I just lose it and cry. I NEVER cry in front of the kids, I don;t want them to freak out. At night I just sit and cry. Every night. I feel fat, worthless, lazt, ugly... too loud, I walk too loud, I can't cook, I don't spend enough quality time with my kids therefore Im a crappy mom... I just feel like I have nothing to give anyone. I feel empty and just tired and sad all the time. I love my husband, he CAN be a great guy (when he was previously on meds for depression). But I feel like the air gets sucked out of a room when he walks in. His depression is making ME depressed. Our son is now in therapy and is on meds for depression. He hardly talks to my husband and doesn't like being around him, while our daughter clings to him like glue. 


How can I get my husband to see what his depression is doing to us?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

wow, i can almost feel the heavines a few thousand mile away!!!!

It sounds to me like he is either avoiding all of you increaingly so,  or having an affair, or just waiting for you to divorce him.   
It also sounds like he has a lot of aggressive abuse in his background, and it is unusully bad since his FIRST response it to raise his fist like he is going tohit...........his negativity is coming from his own past.........and his inability to deal well with it and heal it is now your problem.
Traditional therapy doesnt offer much , in my opinion, besides labels and blah balh talk for people with abused backgrounds...........but there is now an alternative , and i will give you the FREE version , so you dont have to go into debt to heal yourselves.
eftuniverse.com    and therapists in this method eftmastersworldwide.com

The second best may be EMDR , and cognitive behavioral therapy.

Now,  here is a possible senerio..........say something like this,   ' I love you , the kids love you, we  have a method to heal that doesnt require therapists, or money, and we can do it ourselves , we are tired of your depression and moods....and you being unhappy...and we want you to do something to help yourself and the family.  We know it isnt easy to manage past abuse, and this method makes it easy and quick.  I am asking that you try this method , to clear out your past problems , and you dont have to relive them with this method  (look in the tutorial section and read the 'movie', the 'tearless' and 'to tell the story ' method.........it neutrailzes and resolves the harm right away while you do it,  each taking only a few minutes each.......I have learned the method , and if you just follow along, and mimick me, it works that way also.......or you can do this yourself in private.
Something has to be done, and i think you are getting two jobs, and stqying away because you dont know what else to do........there is , this is, something we can do.
I would like it if you also had your hormones tested and balanced, and start with the medications that were helping you.......if they actually were.........(call a compounding pharmacy and ask them for the doctors that test and balance hormones for men in your area )  eg  thehallcenter.com  feelingfff.com
hormones are thought to be at the root of most mental illnesses
Let him know you know you all can do better, and teh only direction this is currently going is toward complete alienation or divorce, and you want to try everything else before that. 

Of course, use your own words.
That is about all i know to help you with, aside from having a therapist or someone he trusts confront him .
best wishes
PS since drphil.com is a large guy who can handle him, maybe you should send him this question and see what he has to say, if he will answer,  he does answer some.
In the mean time, you and your kids can remove all your pain , bad feelings, and fears and get on with your lives whether he participates beyond financing you or not.
He is in a ball club without his children?   He isnt telling you something.

? · Answer

I felt that way from age 11 on to adulthood. Like someone else said, it does not get better on your own. You get this black spiral of thinking where you start thinking "this thing sucks" and next, you are thinking "everything in my life sucks", and before you know it you are down to "I suck most of all." You need something to kickstart you back into liking life, seeing it differently. It is really awful, and I feel bad for you. You have to make a choice, I am afraid: what would be worse: feeling this horrific despair on and off for a lot of your days, or letting your family make a big deal about you seeing a doctor? You may feel both are lousy options, but if you are truly depressed, you will agree that almost anything else is better. But I do believe you can still see a doctor and not have your family know about it. Call a Crisis Line. It is anonymous and they will tell you how to get help to feel better. It is good that you are still thinking about how your family would feel if they lost you. That is one good thing in your life, right? They love you and would miss you! That means you are good for them - and voila, a reason to live! One other thing. This one thought helped me get through feeling suicidal in the past. Nothing stays the same. In the next 5 mins, or 5 hrs or next day, SOMETHING WILL CHANGE in your life. Guaranteed. It may not be a good change, but it just might be. You never know. Hold on to that hope. Wait and see. No matter how bad things are, something WILL be different, in some way, soon. Take care, TJ

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Husband depressed- now I am deeply depressed- cant handle the negativity!?

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