Can You Give Feedback On My Poem? Suggestions for improvement would be most welcome!?

Liam my friend, I think it's perfect the way it is. Very powerful write.

The only thing I would suggest is the very last word in the poem...I'm sure it is meant to be "tears"? I could be wrong.

Great write.

edit* Milieu, I respect your opinion, but not everyone has to write like that. This poem doesn't have to have cryptic words to suggest what he is writing about. Also the imagery he evoked was good. Sometimes a poems beauty is in raw honesty that comes out.

Just remember everyone writes differently.

Dallas

Read my email.

Liam, another lovely bit of verse and I would make few changes, the largest being perhaps deleting the line 'I could stay forever, blinded by pureness.' The sudden shift in register and sensibility is a bit jarring and the poem seems to flow well without it; the sense of the expunged line is implied by the conclusion of the poem and its general tone. What of this for an amended version?: The Beach. Paradise finds me alone on the beach, Standing at water's edge, The moon casting a shadow over the world. Heaven is within my reach, Gentle waves calmly caressing my feet; Breezes tickle my earlobes, As sand trickles slowly through my fingertips, Where love and light meet. I stand undisturbed, feeling no pain, Numbed to the core by the sight, Soothed only by the cool rain, Watching the waves crashing and breaking, Signalling the start of a new day, My heart relieved, free from aching, As I turn and walk away. Either way, it was a fine poem, suggesting that in a life where we are asked to bear much, we find solace in life's ancient certainties. Lovely work Liam...

There are bits and pieces of wisdom to be found in the other answers and now I'll add my sprinkling. Your rhythm is smooth with the exception of the last two lines, so little attention need be paid to such matters. I do agree with the respondent who said that you would benefit by using language in a more figurative way with more concrete images to convey your feelings. I have no doubt of your daily struggles and have no desire to sweep them under the carpet, but rather to enhance the potency of your poetic expression by pointing you towards ever more effective ways of communicating these, your honest turns of emotion. Something that no one said is that there are an unsettling number of cliched phrases in this poem, e.g. 'I can't take it anymore,' 'take away this pain,' 'I feel so alone,' 'I see a ray of light,' 'I really can't believe it' which detract from the seriousness of the message. To expunge them from your verse is a matter of intellectual exertion and regrettably may, at first, distance you from the very feelings that are the wellsprings of the poem, an experience which is both a solace and a loss. The greatest riddle in writing such poems is to live close enough to those emotions that they will breathe vitality into the poem and shine through it, and yet to reveal to your reader those feelings when they may not share them by using the telling metaphor that anchors your meaning for a wider range of readers. All in all, a fine beginning on what can grow into an excellent poem.

"my tears. my fears" My oh My too many "my"'s.

" ..helps abate me of my tears." > "..helps abate the tears"

(I took note of the typo)

Apart from that, it is perfectamundo. I loved the way you worded this poem. At times I almost felt a bit of a halt in timing but the end of each line made the whole line flow. A bit like the water in a waterfall, it slows down near the edge then falls ever so freely. Same effect while reading..

The imagery was marvelous and most familiar.

A professionally written poem with almost perfect meter. Lovely and sad at the same time. My one suggestion would be to change the last phrase slightly--perhaps something like: "helps to ease my flowing tears." I suggest this, because "abate me of" stopped me in my tracks, since I had never seen the word "abate" used in such fashion.

This is the first time I have seen a poem written by you. I hope to see more of them.

It is very well written - emotional and compelling.and quite evocative.

And, even though there is not need to change anything,

there are a few things you might like to consider:

it might read even better if the 'scan' of corresponding lines - the 1st 2nd 3rd 4th - had the same number of syllables.

Alliteration might also add something to the effect.

Those comments are about style and are, of course, subjective i.e. MY opinion.

Nice work - well done!

Go well

To say I enjoyed this would be a bit away from the fact that I certainly empathize in the message. I think it a good write and the only bump I felt was that you could have deleted "feelings" as relating to despondency, Perhaps this way? "My feelings of despondency are impossible to hide." My despondency is impossible to hide. Certainly the line would still contain enough syllables to not disrupt the flow.

Note to Michael: Just curious as to why I am blocked. Is that due to you being entirely private? I ask because you've answered to my work in the past and I always thought your advice quite sound.

...well

since my dots signify I am a dobber? no a oh never mind,

I will just say, I have no critique it has all been done by the others before me,

I felt this

but take the time to sift through the advice and take what is useful - toss the chaff

I am good on this fair day, my new family member weighs a whopping 1.2 pounds soaking wet and adores me, The vet pronounced him healthy and my HOUSE is a MESS.. so I best get at it ... maybe

It's seems Milieux got the problem right, your 1st answerer who edited seemed to thing Milieux was calling for abstractions, I think the argument is being made to make sure those are replaced with something others can relate too. ?

Maybe.

Watch for bad advice while you're learning.

*huggles*

I love it! It's so sad, but then a bit hopeful at the end.

You're such a good poet Liam!