Should he leave his wife?

Question

This question is prompted by a guy I was counselling. I gave him my advice, but afterwards wondered if I was right, so I'm curious to know what you guys think! 
He's been married 12 years and to the outside world they look happy, but he's always had a roving eye and in all the 12 years he's never been faithful for long. His wife didn't know. She's a pillar of the local community, churchgoer, etc - a thoroughly good woman, and as far as I could tell a good wife too, never denied him sex, good cook, kept house and worked in a reasonable job, though money was tight as he gambled a bit and was in and out of sales jobs all his life (though he always took care of his bills and family, don't want to make him out to be reckless). Anyway, he came to me 'cos he'd got to the stage of thinking he should leave his wife but he wanted to know if they should make one last go of it. He says he no longer loves her, the sex is once a month, and he's been talking to girls on the internet. He'd had his last affair a year ago, his wife had found out and forgiven him and they were trying to make a go of it, but, he said, his problem was that he just couldn't see himself being with her in ten year's time, or even next year, and perhaps it was best to make a decision and leave her. He also said that at least two of the girls (of course they are much younger than his wife!) would happily marry him instead and he was sure he'd be happier with them if he did (he didn't explain how he'd got two to say this!).
Now my advice was to stay in the marriage and see if it could be made to work as A.She still loved him and had forgiven him and is still willing to make it work, B. They could work on the sex bit, C. They are religious, so have a God-given reason to stay together, D. Money is tight and a divorce would make that worse, E. 12 years is a long time to just throw out a marriage. F. Things aren't that bad, as it's not like they're fighting or can't stand each other, so maybe he will fall back into love with her.
Unfortunately, he took the view that if he didn't love his wife now he never would again and surely it was prolonging a dying marriage to pretend he loved her when he didn't.
I found myself arguing that he should stay in a marriage where he doesn't love her but she loves him, simply because there was no great reason to part, and I'm not sure that's the position I should be defending. What do you guys think?

blackpearl · Accepted Answer

I think his wife deserves to be treated with respect.  I have told my husband I would rather he leave and go be with whoever it is he thinks will make him happy than to stay with me out of a sense of guilt over the kids or anything else.  Think about it, his wife is under the impression she is having a marriage with a husband she thinks cheated once.  In reality he has never been faithful, he has taken this woman for granted for many years.  Their marriage is a sham, why encourage him to stay and put her through any more of his deceitful ways.

? · Answer

Sounds like my marriage did.  My ex and I tried to make it work, he had a roving eye, he wanted to move on and I asked him to stay.  I have to tell you, all it did was make both of us unhappy.  The day we separated, as upsetting as it was, it was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  Nobody can "afford" a divorce but I soon realized that I couldn't afford to be married to him anymore.  I'm now remarried and realized a long time ago, that for a marriage to work and be happy, both people have to want it.  I think he should leave.  It may be the best thing that happens to her.  Why make her stay with someone who doesn't love her or want to be there.  Thats cruel.

? · Answer

It seems like he's made up his mind and no matter what you tell him, he's not gonna fight to make the marriage work.  He's gonna still fool around with these other girls.  So, my advice, would be to just let him go and maybe have a trial separation.  Sometimes, it takes guys seeing what else is out there to realize how good they have it at home.  Once he's had his fun and realized how great his wife is, then it's up to his wife if she wants to take him back or not.

? · Answer

In my opinion, I think he should leave.  Not for him though, for her.  She seems to be a great wife, and she deserves a man who loves her and wants to be with only her.  If he feels this way and has gotten younger women to say they'd marry him, he should do that and make them both feel better.

I agree with the money problem, but maybe he could help her.  After all, it's not like he'd be divorcing her because they hate each other, so they could stay friends and help each other if they need to.

Vicky Lovers · Answer

I understand your position and I think your intentions are good but it really isn't fair to his wife if he stays with her and he doesn't love her. She deserves to be happy and have a husband that loves her and won't cheat on her. And the same for him. He deserves to be happy and not have to look outside his marriage to find that happiness. And if it will make him "unhappy" to stay in this marriage shouldn't you as a counselor be encouraging him to do what will make him happy as long as he is safe? After all he is your client / patient not the wife. He has to do what is right for him.

CDT · Answer

In my opinion, if he's not happy in the relationship...he's cheating her out of a loving, happy relationship. She deserves a man who loves her...who wants her...who she makes happy...who feels lucky to have her and that's just not him.

She's being jipped out of moments in her life that should be precious. And so is he. He's not happy...he's wasting his time being not happy when he could be spending his time being happy.

That's not the way i would want to spend my time in life.

l8tr g8tr · Answer

I think his wife deserves better and he should leave her.  

Cheating is a deal breaker for me and I surely wouldn't tolerate it happening multiple times.

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Should he leave his wife?

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