Two of my war poems: New Life + War Child, what do you think?

Question

New Life

The Sounds
The sounds of screaming
Of gunshots, of explosions
Of frightened young soldiers
Curdling together in a twisted melody
The melody of my new life

The Sights
The sights of bodies burning
Of crying, of bleeding
Of death
Splashing together across a disaster portrait
The portrait of my new life

The smells
The smells of bodies rotting
Of sweating, of the dirt
Of poisonous gases
Coiling together in a putrid scent
The scent of my new life

It's not quite what I was used to
Things changed so fast really
One moment I was cared for
One moment I was loved
One moment I had a family

But now I am a warrior
My only purpose is to fight
Gone are the ones I love
Entering darkness I left them
In the light...


War Child

Hello there young British teen
My name is Ruel
And I live in a third world country
Let's take a look at our lives, shall we?

Each day you feast on three meals
Glorious food to fill your tummy
I get little, if any food
I know, how it feels to be hungry

But what makes you different from me?

You play war games on computers
Controlling soldiers, solving mysteries
When in fact, my life is quite similar to your games
Only when I lose a life, I don't get to restart

But why not you? Why me?

You learn such great things as maths
And English and Science and History
Whilst I am taught how to hold my gun
Wishing I had the rights to an education

But why should you and not me?

You moan when you're asked to do chores
You're tired, you want to relax
But I have to fight for days on end
Disobey and I will be shot

But why aren't you in my position? Why should it be me?

Becasuse we are both the same, deep down, you'll see
We were both born into loving families
We can both laugh
We can both cry
We can both love
And we can both lie
I am a teen, just like you
Equal in God's eyes, if only the world knew
But because I live here and you live over there
Our worlds are both split          apart
          Different, from the start
I just like that you should know...

You're lucky.


Thanks very much to anyone who reads + comments, constructive criticism is also well appreciated :) x

Annie · Accepted Answer

Read both of them and thought they were both amazing! I like the second more though, don't know why. 
New Life:
For the layout of each verse you go:
The _
The _ of _
Of_, of _
I think it would be better if the layout were:
The _ of _
Of _ and _
eg. The sounds of screaming
Of gunshots and explosions
Of frightened young soldiers etc.

I think if you do this the lines will be neater and you won't be unneccessarily repeating yourself.

When you go to the part, 'it's not quite what I was used to', I think it would be better if you made this line a bit stronger eg. It wasn't meant to be like this'. Also, I think you should take the 'really' out of 'things changed so fast, really'. Not necessary.
The second last line, 'entering darkness I left them', I think maybe change the word entering to something less expected eg. swimming, diving, crashing, floating.

Other than that I think it's great!


War Child:
Reading this I first thought, young british teen? I'm actually  aussie! I think maybe you should make that less specific that line, such as 'my fellow teen' or something.
This may not make it better but instead of I know how it feels to be hungry maybe 'I know what it is to be hungry'. This is just an alternative, though.
'Only when I lose a life, I don't get to restart'. This makes it sound as though you must be dead or something, because you've lost your life. I think you should change it to 'only if I lose a life, I won't get to restart'.
I don't think you need the the in 'wishing I had the rights to an education'.
Maybe instead of having the word should for all those lines, it should be 'is', because it's not as much a matter of the teen should be in that position, but the fact that he is and he's questioning it.

The because you have in the line 'because we are the same' doesn't make sense. It should probably be 'we are the same'. This is because he's saying, we are the same deep down, but because of _ , we're leading different lives.
'Our worlds are both split apart' should probably be 'our worlds are split apart'. The both makes the sentence incorrect.
'I just like that you should know'? Maybe you mean, I just think you need to know or something like that?

Although I've said all this stuff, I still think what you wrote is great!

Hope I helped :)

Peer Mohamed M K · Answer

Kudos to the young poet. 

I liked both of them for the lofty messages conveyed. 
New life has more qualities of a poem than War Life.
Only one Advice: The language is prosaic. Use poetic language to impress the readers.

However, I am happy that a Shakespeare or Keats has found birth in India.

? · Answer

I quite liked them. Try to reduce repetition," And English and Science and History". Don't be too wordy.
Do a spell check.
Otherwise I got the message, well done. Keep writing.

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Two of my war poems: New Life + War Child, what do you think?

3 Answers