Told my fiance I wanted to leave.....?

Question

and now he's making me feel guilty.

We have have lots of problems over the years (too long to go into right now) and I have had enough. I have tried telling him I haven't been happy for ages and we need to see a relationship councelor but he won't go. He doesnt think there's anything wrong even though we argue all the time, he is verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. 

Anyway I told him 'I think it's best if we broke up' (which took alot of guts because I have been feeling this way for years and haven't said anything because I didn't want to hurt him) and he told me 'I think you're better off dead' and he threw the tv remote and smashed our son's toy box. He also said to our girls 'do you want Daddy to leave forever' after we were arguing and told him I wanted to break up. The girls started crying (we have three kids, 1 year old, 3 year old and almost 6 year old) all this happened in front of them including what he said to me. 

Anyway, things are ok today, but I am still hurt by what he said. He has not apologised and doesn't think anything is wrong. After we had the argument he stormed out and came back an hour later (even though he told me he wasn't come back for 2 weeks) when he got home he just sat down and watched tv. I was the one that had to talk to him about how I felt etc which happens all the time. It's always ME that brings up any problems. He thinks everything is fine, but how can it be when I want to leave??

He also said that he probably wouldn't see the kids because (and I quote) "you don't want anything to do with me, so if I saw them, it'd mean you'd have to see me" he also said "if the kids miss me, that'd be your fault because you were the one that broke it off" he is trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to leave. 

Any advice would be good. No rude comments!

imonetoremember · Accepted Answer

Your husband is a mess and using control tactics to keep you under his thumb. Before I say anything else why would you stay with an abusive, controlling guy who treats you way wrong because you don't want to hurt him? This guy has hurt that has nothing to do with whether you stay or go and if he's treating you badly, especially since kids are involved you just leave him for your own reasons. Don't ever stay with a man that is verbally abusive in front of your children no matter how difficult it is for you it's ten times rougher for the kids to be put in your toxic lifestyle. It's quit stressful and frightening to grow up with that. What I would do (and what I did) is just get rid of this guy. If you've been unhappy for years, he's unwilling to get help or even accept that there is a problem then all you are doing is wasting your life and setting your children up to end up with a guy like their dad or be like their dad. Without telling him get a place to live, get your bank account in your name only and leave with the kids. Have someone else with you the day you leave. Don't tell him where you are going as sometimes guys like this can become violent and put space and time between you two. After you've got your ducks in a row you can have him served with divorce papers. But trust me on this, you can't contact him yourself right now because he will use every ploy in the book to get you back in his control. He may say he's going to change or accept counseling but it's just talk cuz he's had years to make a change.

stephanie_6234 · Answer

sorry...but things arent ok today and they wont be ok tomorrow either...you are right to want to leave a situation that you clearly see has no gain and he is childish and weak, which was reflected in his bringing the children into it...that was fowl and I would have loaded up my babies right then and there and left him standing there alone...word of warning: once you leave look for him to be a constant problem for you as far as your children go, he will use them against you like a little b*!ch....and if at all possible he will not pay support for them like he should...if he does at all.

I is trying to put you on a weak guilt trip, but please dont fall for it, YOU know you love him, but there sometimes comes a point were love has nothing to do with anything and its time to move on. He is just trying to get you to stay by any means necessary EXCEPT taking responsibility for his own actions...so dont fall for it. I hope you have a way and the means to leave him because the sooner you get away from this man the better off your life will be...you will finally breathe, trust me.

You can ABSOLUTELY do soooo much better than this loser even with being by yourself...as my mother always told us girls, "you can do bad by ya damn self!" Help yourself and your children live a healthier happier life...kick the loser to the curb ASAP!

I have to say, when a man doesnt take responsibility for his actions and continues to add to them and place blame on his victims...he is NOT a man, he thrives solely from control and making those around him feel lower than himself. A real man protects, provides and cares for his family and the last people on earth he would hurt is them. A real man has no problem with facing himself in the mirror and accepting that he has some things to work on...you have a waste of flesh calling himself a man in your life, granted people can and do change...but this man has a LOT to change and he hasnt even started the first step to it....you cant change him only he can and nothing you ever do will make him change, there isnt enough love in the world and his kids (Lord watch over them) will always love him because he is their father, but they will never ever respect him as he is so he isnt any good to them either...stop the cylcle right now...leave him regardless of what he tells you...leave him.

Anonymous · Answer

You have three young children so your first concern has to be them and how to get them through any break up. You need to know whether you really want to call a halt to this relationship or if you just want this relationship to change and improve.  It does not sound as though you are getting the emotional support and communication you need.  My best advice is this: take your partner to marriage counseling and see if you can improve the relationship enough to stay intact or to ease your separate ways with some direction as to best help your children through this separation.  Good luck.

PAKATO · Answer

WOW, WELL FIRST OFF HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM I MEAN THINK, DO YOU LOVE HIM. ENOUGH TO STAND WITH HIS BS AND ENOUGH TO KEEP PUTTING YOU AND YOUR KIDS THRUU THAT? IF YOU DO THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE A THERAPIST [NO OFFENSE] BUT YEAH, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT SPECIALLY NOT THE MOTHER OF YOUR KIDS. I MAY NOT NOE HOW YOU FEEL OR BE THE BEST PERSON FOR ADVICE BUT THINK WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY, THINK WHAT WOULD BE BETTER OFF IN THE LONG RUN? HE JUST NEEDS TIME TO EITHER JUST THINK AND REFLECT ON WHAT HE WANTS AND NEEDS. IF THAT DOESNT WORK THEN ITHINK YOU SHOULD JUST COMPLETELY LEAVE AND LET HIM SEE HIS KIDS IDK COME UP WITH A COMPROMISE. AND WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU AREN'T THE BAD GUY HERE.

Anonymous · Answer

Anger issues big time.  He wants you to suffer now, and it's really low to hurt the kids and put them in the middle. ug!
Deep-seeded anger can only be dealt with by counseling/ therapy/....talking to other men that have overcome it...
Don't back down,, maybe give him another chance to try counseling with you.  It's an ultimatum, but your kids need you, and it's time to stop the insanity.

Anonymous · Answer

He is angry.

He should never ever had said those things in front of children. You should never have brought such a subject up with children in the house. You are both in the wrong.

Seek mediation to get through this in a civil manner for the sake and sanity of your children.

Tori G · Answer

OMG!!!!  Get ur kids out of that situation..... it will only end badly (even in death).... trust me i know!!!
Get a vpo or restraining order.... i had to get a vpo before to keep someone away from me. all i know is that he seems dangerous and he might hurt u. If he hurts u, who is gonna be there for ur kids??? GET OUT NOW!!!! 
answer mine plz
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100924173930AA369TS

chrissy6168 · Answer

I rea5 until you said abusive. Get out now. His making you feel guilty is part of that abuse. Don't wait. LEAVE

? · Answer

Take your kids, file for divorce and custody.

Do not say stuff you aren't going to do because it's what makes a person weak.

Anonymous · Answer

I feel sorry for those poor children!  You both need to grow up and be good parents!

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Told my fiance I wanted to leave.....?

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