How to cope with wife disorder?

Question

My wife is 53 and I'm 68.We've been married 25 years. She's from Mexico and has dual citizenship. About 24 years ago we were rea-rended by a young drunk driver.
My wifes' neck was broken  but at the time there wasn't anything the neurosurgeons could do.
Earlier this year, my wife started getting a pins and needles type of feeling in her fingertips and hands. Then it went to her arms. You literally could not touch her arms at all for the pain it caused her. Finally, after several pleas for another MRI they found her spinal cord was constricted to less than half of what it should be in her neck. Simultaneously, she developed fatigue, incontinence, loss of movement in her arms and legs, upper back ache. The referral to a neurologist finally paid off and she was immediately admitted to the hospital. There she was tested for MS, Devic's Syndrome, Wegener's G, lupus, fibromyalgia  and a few other disorders. Some tests came back borderline negative,others negative  Finally, she had a fusion surgery through the front of the neck to aleviate the swelling of several discs that had ballooned into her spinal column. That was two months ago. I see her every day and it still breaks my heart to see her in this condition. I'm sitting here now trying to watch the Oregon vs Stanford game and I just can't can't concentrate.I keep thinking of my wonderful wife, lying in bed basically 24/7, and my heart breaks and I break down. I don't know what to do. I love her so very much and it pains me to see her like this.  I just don't know what to do. We had so many wonderful plans for my retirement and now everything is down the tubes. The greedy brokers on Wall Street wiped out most of my retirement. I just feel so low and down. This is totally opposite of what I normally am...a very positive person.   Any advice?  How does one cope with such a tragedy?  I'm at my wits end.....and very sad and depressed.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think that the best coping mechanism is to express your emotions. Talk about what is happening and how you are feeling about it. Cry when you need to but do not wallow in misery.  Keep involved with your friends and relatives.   Keep away from people who are not empathetic and understanding. Stay away from people who tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You are depressed and you have reason to be.  Your emotions are perfectfully normal.

When you go see your wife, pull yourself together before entering the hospital. Make every effort to give her a smile and do not beat yourself when you can't. Allow yourself to be a human being. Do your best. 

I know that at this time you are feeling empty, sad and alone. You are not alone. Please continue to reach out. Right now, any social activity is going to feel meaningless. but the truth is that other people are the best medicine. They will help you keep things in perspective and give you some gentle pushes and pulls when you need them. 

If you are truly despairing, it would be wise to find yourself a couselor.  Ask around for a recommendation for a counselor. Just having someone to listen to every word that you have to say is very important. It can make a world of difference. 

Keep in mind that we are all resilient. And while we canot make peace with life, we all eventually call a truce at some point and go on with life in its far-less than satisfactory state.  Your time will not be the way that you wished it to be with your wife. You both will gireve it and then go on.....together. 

Be as patient and caring with yourself as you are with your wife, good and kind man!

J B · Answer

First, when around your wife, you put on your happy face.  She doesn't need to be worrying about you when she is still trying to recover from her surgery.  Stress from worry can slow her healing and her progress.  Next, if she is allowed to be up, she needs to be up as much as possible.  Every day spent in bed causes her to lose muscle mass and soon, she will not be able to walk because she is so weak.  Next, you need to follow her doctor's advice exactly - whatever he says to do, you need to encourage her to do it over and over again.  Someone has to take the lead, tell her that soon, things will be better and you two and do things together again once she is well.  Lastly, you need to see your family doctor and express these feelings to him.  An anti-depressant may help you cope better with what is going on right now which is called situational depression and take this medication regularly until your wife has recovered to the best of her abilities.  You  need to greet each day with enthusiasm and positivity for your wife's sake which then gives her the motivation to do things she needs to do, whether painful or not, to get well.

jessicar24273 · Answer

my mother had been really depressed, and sad. she started seeing a counselor at a mental health facility. she's not been committed, You just go to your appointment, and talk to your counselor, about your thoughts, feelings,and emotions it's really helped her.  it's like she's a totally different person. You should talk to a counselor.

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