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rdappa
Lv 4
rdappa asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

What say you about my "Walled in, Walled Out"?

The castle has gone afloat,

The moat has been filled in!

The king is also dead,

We have a goat instead!

The fancy of our follies,

Has been replaced with sin,

The classes and all the ranks

Now free as individual men.

Be careful in your freedom,

The control of all is nigh!

Do not fret 'bout what's to come,

Beware of whom you place on high!

For if the king is dead,

Why do we keep the crown?

The first few generations,

Fought with freedoms power,

They need not walls nor perches

To defend nor see the hour.

They felt it in their heart,

When liberty's death was near.

Some how, some way they knew,

Freedom's safety is not fear.

Nor comes from collective might.

Liberty is only safe,

When men of their own, unite!

Now in time of serious heat,

We seek to anoint the crown,

Only to secure our own retreat

When enemies battle down.

Instead of training and prepare,

A wall is built to take its place.

Without a unity in defense,

We suffer the wrath of face!

The moat has been re-cast,

The crown held up too fast!

When failure finds its in

The wall of defense succumbs,

Becoming the prison that hides their sins!

4 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I couldn't quite follow what you were saying. Do you mean to defend monarchy, or discount it?

    I was also confused by the goat, who seems to show up - but then not be made much use of.

    Your language is clear and natural, but the piece as a whole seemed rather rambly.

    Perhaps if the poem had a clearer sense of purpose, it would have been easier to understand. It certainly avoided the faults of being too abstract, too self-centred, or too poetic - which afflict most of what is posted here.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think it is brilliant. I love your use of archaic terms, I think you should use "!" exclamation marks less. I'd like too see this broken into stanza's because the length of it is kind of a put off just listed off how it is. But overall i'd put it a 9/10.

    Source(s): I'm a published writer.
  • 1 decade ago

    very good

    Merry Christmas to you

    peace !

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