How to talk like Spock (Star Trek) ?

Dear Mikayla:

To get into character for Mr. Spock (Mr. Spork), here are the basics:

Mr. Spock's fantastic mind enables him to learn anything, including languages, at an accelerated pace. Spock's command of Federation Standard (basically Standard American English) is perfect. He never says, "Me and the Captain"; he says, "The Captain and I". Like Commander Data, Spock never uses contractions (Spock says "it is" instead of "it's"). He never ends a sentence in a preposition, he never begins a sentence with a conjunction, and he never, never, never splits an infinitive (that one phrase, "to boldly go", notwithstanding).

Mr. Spock always considers his words before he speaks. Thus, he never hesitates when he speaks, he never slurs his words, and he never "hems" and "haws". Spock always knows what he wants to say.

Mr. Spock speaks in a clear, deep, resonant, and confident voice. The confidence in his voice comes from his having considered his words carefully.

Mr. Spock never yells when he speaks (unless to shout a warning), he never speaks in threatening tones (unless the situation demands of it), and he never uses profanity (his use of the "colorful metaphors" in "Star Trek IV" notwithstanding). The power of his ideas make it unnecessary for him to speak like a ruffian.

Mr. Spock speaks with great economy; that is, he says what he needs to say, and no more. He chooses his words so as to convey his thoughts as COMPLETELY as possible, but also as BRIEFLY as possible. He does not engage in idle chit-chat. It is not a chummy way of speaking, to be sure; but if his vernacular is terse, it is also precise. This is advantageous in a red alert situation, where seconds count.

Here are a few non-verbal aspects of his character:

Mr. Spock is the model Starfleet officer. His uniform is always clean and pressed, decorated correctly, and worn properly; he is always perfectly groomed, including the pointed sideburns (Starfleet regulation); and his etiquette and manners are the absolute epitome of propriety.

Mr. Spock always holds his head erect. His head never looks around purposelessly, and his eyes never wander. He stays totally, completely, and 100% focused on the matter at hand. He is always keenly aware of what is going on around him. He is especially alert to the orders of his captain. He is ready, at an instant's notice, to provide sensor data, perform tasks, or do whatever else his captain may require of him.

When Mr. Spock stands at ease, he assumes the military "At Ease" position (hands behind back, head erect, feet shoulder width apart).

When Mr. Spock walks, he lifts his feet; he does not "shuffle". He keeps his posture erect; he does not "mosey". He keeps his hands at his sides; he does not let his arms "swing". And he never stands around with his hands in his pockets (come to think of it, do Starfleet duty trousers even have pockets?). Basically, he walks upright, as should any representative of the Federation (just remember to keep your eyes on the line where the wall meets the ceiling, and, by George, you will have it).

As for the ears, they may be obtained at any novelty shop for a nominal price.

Regarding your role as a football player:

When you run the pass play, remember to pump your fists as you run. Only girls run with their palms splayed at their sides.

And if you have to portray the quarterback... well, what can I tell you? Don't throw like a girl!

I hope that all of this will prove helpful. Good luck on your parodies!

Speaking of parodies: If you can, get a hold on the 1976 Saturday Night Live parody of Star Trek, "The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise", in which actor Elliot Gould portrays the head of programming for NBC and comes aboard the Enterprise to cancel the series. It is available on Hulu, and it is absolutely hilarious!

Good luck again!

Flash Kellam

Spock Speak

Hmm.. he talks louder than Spock. (No offense). Who cares anyway. He's a good politician, and he'll be running for the 2008 elections.

For talking like Spock, it would help to study philosophy or attend law school.

But that might not fit within your time frame.

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