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What do you think of this action scene I am having a hard time connecting with it for some reason?
Then, something swam by, with size enough to create a wave through the water strong enough to shove everyone back.
“Steady-- steady men,” Dario grumbled as the heart shaking moan of some giant beast was heard. This time however, it was very close. “Steady…” They tightened their formation as large bubbles filled the water around them.
“I do not like this at all!” Cayenne whispered.
“No...” Sara agreed, “not at all,” and as they passed into a pocket of warmer water, the earth rumbled from somewhere below. Even though the queen was pleased that they had made it this far without being noticed, she knew that they were now entering into some of the most dangerous territory. “Alright… we are nearly there.” She led them slowly upwards.
Then, from out of the blackness, a giant set of glowing, yellow eyes jerked open to shine down upon them! The colossal creature roared and bore down, with an open mouth filled of long pointy teeth!
“Split formation!” Dario shouted!
Sara threw herself down, barely missing the sea monster, tore her chain-n-hook weapons free, and pushed hard into making light! “We have been found!” The bright light allowed them to see, but they would have been better off not; for a host of gigantic beasts has awakened!
The massive Styxosaurus-like creature, spun and rushed their left flank! It was over forty feet long.
There, the slowest of the soldiers was claimed.
“No! Come over here and get some, Nessy!” the queen taunted.
“Regroup now! Regroup!” Dario shouted, pulling his men together behind the beast.
The creature rushed the princess and she hoped she could time this right. “Come on!”
When the titan opened its jaws, she back-flipped over it to sink her hooks into its neck!
Its snarled, spiraled, and jerked its head!
It took everything she had, but Sara held on, wrapping the chains around her wrists!
Four giant sharks went into a frenzy, forcing the guard to break pursuit and fight. Bigger then Great Whites, with thicker hide, they must be hungry!
“Go for the gills! Remember your training!” Cayenne hollered.
Yet, two more of her squad were lost!
Sharks fought over scraps when joined by two giant sea snakes! Another dolphin was lost, but a sharks went with him.
Sara fought hand over hand until she reached her foe’s tough, scaly hide. The beast spun its flippers in figure eights, rocketing through the heavy water.
She slammed the blades on her arms into the back of its neck! Her leg blade dug in and it sought to buck her off!
“What are we to do about these snakes sir!?” a dolphin needed to know!
Cayenne whipped up front, drawing the monster away. “I got this! Dario, let’s try to tie them together!”
“Right!”
They whipped past one another, trying the impossible, with no choice!
Back towards them, the queen had made it under the creature. She repeatedly slammed her blades into its neck!
Dark, thick blood filled the water.
“Ah!” She sliced and stabbed, as two more sharks joined the frenzy!
“Yeah! Yeah!” Cayenne and Dario swam away from a tangled mess of snakes, but found they were the only ones left.
“There is nothing we can do for them now. Hurry, we must aid the queen!” Dario commanded.
“Yes sir!” Her eyes widened. “Sir, watch out!”
He tried to move, but it was too late! A smaller shark took a chunk from his side!
“Ah!” Dario buckled in, with fear of death in his eyes! “Go! Go and save the queen!”
“Sir I…”
“Now, that’s an order!” He forced her to leave!
Filling herself with energy, the queen drew back to land the final blow! She struck the nearly open neck of the beast!
It released a gargled scream, convulsing for a moment, then twitched to stillness.
The other titans surrounded them!
However, when they saw the a larger meal, they disregarded the two appetizers. They nipped and nibbled, testing this feast and when they were sure it was dead, they tore into it without fear.
3 Answers
- Lolita BLv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
Okay, one of the major problems with this excerpt is your over use of exclamation marks (or exclamation points, if you prefer). I know you probably think they convey the excitement of the moment, but it's amateurish and severely detracts from the writing. Think about it: primary (elementary) school children tend to use a lot of exclamation marks to make their stories seem more exciting. I'm presuming you're not in primary school, and therefore have a better vocabulary and command of the language.
Generally, exclamation marks should not be used within your narrative (the parts where you, the narrator, are telling the story), and they should be used sparingly in dialogue (although in tense situations like this, they will naturally appear more often).
What you need to do is SHOW us the excitement of the moment and allow us to feel it naturally, not try and force our emotions by using exclamation marks by the dozen. Cut out all the exclamation marks in words that aren't being spoken. Cut at least half of the ones in spoken dialogue.
The other major problem (and sort of related), is your need to show, not tell. This can be harder for writers to identify in their own work. That's why you need to read a lot of quality writing with a critical eye, to see how authors tell you something about someone, or tell you something happened, without saying, 'Jane was sad', or 'the cyclone demolished the house'. For example, they might say, 'tears trickled from Jane's downcast eyes', or 'Simon walked, dreamlike, amongst the scattered weatherboards of his house in the aftermath of the furious winds'.
For your piece, this means that instead of saying something like, 'the massive styxosaurus-like creature', maybe you could say something like, 'the creature's neck alone was the length of the hull, its four flippers each the size of on oar' (or whatever). This conveys a lot more to me than telling me it's like a styxosaurus (I didn't even know what that was, and had to look it up). Do you see what I'm getting at?
I think if you address these issues in your next draft (and even the best writers go through several drafts), you will feel much more emotionally connected to the passage.
I may as well mention some other things that I think you can improve, such as your use of dialogue tags and punctuation.
Like exclamation marks, dialogue tags other than 'said' should also be used sparingly. Using lots of different verbs and adverbs in dialogue tags is a common mistake made by less experienced writers, so don't feel bad. Try and have confidence in your writing and your readers; the manner in which a character says something should for the most part be conveyed by the context. Again, carefully read some well-written dialogue, and see how many times the characters do anything other than 'say' something. You may be surprised when you realise how well you can imagine exactly how the lines are spoken, without being explicitly told they shouted, hollered etc.
I hope you don't think I'm too harsh. If I spend my time writing such a long answer, it's because I'm trying to help you, not dishearten you. Good luck.
- Pecos BillLv 61 decade ago
Continue on with your story until it is finished, then do several rewrites. By the time you return to this part you'll have a fresh take on it and will be able to easily improve it.
Specifically; remember to Show not Tell.
