How to tell my Dad I hate his fiancee?

Question

Here's the deal:

My father has been through two divorces, and is now engaged to a third wife.

From what I have seen she treats him like crap.

I am a mature adult, but whenever I see how she treats him, I feel a tremendous amount of anger.  But when I go to confront him about it, I break down in tears, I'm so angry.  And whenever I see him, she is around, so with her hovering I really can't get him alone without causing a scene.

I think he is truly blind about how she treats him.  They've known each other for six months, and have only been dating for a fraction of that time.  I know there are some people out there who meet the love of their life and get married after a couple of days and live happily ever after, but she certainly isn't his soulmate.

She complains about every little thing he does.  We had dinner at my father's house a couple of nights ago, and she was whining about him getting the wrong kind of bread (the kind he had gotten was way nicer than what he usually gets), she didn't want kidney beans mixed in with her black beans from the big pot of chili, he wasn't making the rice right (which she had started, and he had never made before)... it was the dinner from hell.  I sent a few meaningful looks in my father's direction, but he never picked up on them.  I refrained from saying anything because her children were there.

This has been building for a while, but her behavior at dinner sent me over the edge, and I realized I don't want my dad to be with her any more.

Now that I've had some time to cool off, I've written this letter, but haven't sent it yet:

"Before you go off doing something stupid…

I want you to know how I feel about ____.

I don’t want you to marry her.  Ever.

Do you really not see how $hitty she treats you?  Judging by your posting of “I’m engaged” on Facebook the night after the dinner at your house, I’d say you don’t.

You normally love cooking.  But her whining and complaining seriously bummed you out.  And seeing you bummed out really bums me out, too.

Being ill is no excuse for how she acted that night, or how much she whines about every little thing you do or any thing that is not done her way.

She should be grateful we went out of our way to accommodate her childish “I don’t like kidney beans” fit.

She should be grateful you got better bread than you usually do, even if it wasn’t Sourdough.

Her behavior at the dinner pissed me off, and I only refrained from saying more than “Geez, she’s picky” and visibly rolling my eyes to make you get the hint because her kids were there.

And in case you think I don’t like her just because of the dinner (wah, she was sick, yada yada yada), I think her behavior in general is immature and unbecoming of anyone older than the age of twelve.  Honestly, who throws a fit and cries over someone not accepting a “Friend” request on Facebook?!?!?!

She needs to grow up and stop taking advantage of you.  She’s sucking the life out of you.

You need to realize that you don’t need to be in a constant cycle of dating less than six months, then engaged, then married, then divorced in a couple of years, then back dating again.  There’s no rush to get engaged.  It’s okay to date someone for longer than a year, and it’s okay to break up with people (it’s a hell of a lot easier than divorce)."

I realize there's some immature language in there, but that's some of the anger coming across even a couple of days later.  I'm going to give it a day or so to sit before sending it.

Is sending such a letter an appropriate response?  I really can't talk to him in person about it, because I will break down crying and babbling incoherently, and once a woman starts crying, my dad just tunes it out and plays ignorant.

Thanks for your advice.

Barefoottrimmer · Answer

You are being immature.  The fact that she whines about beans and the type of bread is nonsense and these are not important issues.  Don't bring up childish things like this.  This is juvenile BS.  

You need to consider things like does this person make your father unhappy.  She seems to have a lot of baggage with the children in tow.  Is your dad ready for this instant family and the personal and financial responsibilities it will bring?  Is this woman unkind to your father?  Is she petty?  Is she friendly toward you and other family members?  Is she a gold digger?  Do you think she has an ulterior motive in marrying your father?  Does she hurt him?  manipulate him?  Is she greedy and unfair?  Is she honest and have good values?  Can he trust her?   Discuss that he has not known her that long or long enough to make such a decision.  Can't hurt to point out his pattern of behavior and tendency to pick the wrong people to marry in a kind and concerned way.

Address things that are important.   Stay calm.  forget about the crying and lose the anger.  If you can't communicate with him in a reasonable manner, he is never going to listen to you so all is lost.  If that is the best you can do is lose it, just don't even try.  He is an adult and has the right to make as many mistakes as he wants.  Sad but true.

KennyG · Answer

"Grandpa" has a point ; it is unlikely that you will remember everything you said here, when you finally have a moment with dad alone. (I think you can also print it out, so dad can keep it and read it over and over.)  I cannot help but wonder what dad does see in her!  If she nags and whines like that NOW, how much worse will it get when he marries her, and he has to deal with it all day, every day!  Could it be why she is a single-mom now?  Maybe she drove her ex crazy!  It is very hard to please someone who refuses to be happy, and cannot just let the little things GO!  This lady seems to think that being petulant is somehow charming.  She is way too old for THAT to work!

sweet.spicy76 · Answer

Short answer: you're sweet, but don't send  the letter;)

Long answer:
It sounds like you really love your Dad.  And he must be a great father, having earned such loyalty.

I agree with you; his fiancee is clearly a demanding drama queen.  However, he's a grown man who is entitled to his own decisions.  They might be the wrong ones, but they're his.  If you hope the heartfelt note you've written will change his mind, I don't think it will.  He has his own reasons for being in this relationship, and is likely not blind to her faults.

You can certainly tell your Dad that she rubs you the wrong way.  But he likely knows this already.  Perhaps, for your own sake, you could limit your interaction with the two of them to special occasions and have a weekly lunch appointment with just him.  That way, you get the best of your relationship with him without being worried by her.

Anonymous · Answer

Don't e-mail him.He's semi-whipped, has poor judgment, and will show it to her. You will never hear the end of it. Invite him out to lunch, even if you have to fake a doctors appt or something.He needs to SEE and HEAR how upset you are .Your Dad sounds like a serial monogamist who can't function without a woman. This can be cured.A little peer counseling will at least make him see there is a pattern in his behavior.I hope this works. He sounds like a really nice guy, Just needs some upgrade on his independant living skills.And get a wiggle on before he marries this neurotic woman.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like your parents just want the best for you. But that doesn't give them the right to criticize the one you love. You should sit down and talk with them, make them understand that no matter what they say you're not changing your mind about marrying the guy. Good luck with your parents and marriage <3

cook · Answer

you dont tell him he is happy and if you tell him you hate his fiancee he will have extra stress over the deal plus you are out of the house a legal adult so just let him be happy so just pretend to like her and in my experience they will probably get divorced on their own

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How to tell my Dad I hate his fiancee?

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