Criticize my writing please :)?

Question

Please, I'll give you 2 points hehe. Would you read the rest of my story? yes, no, why? How could I make it better? Thanks guys :D

Noah woke to the sharp whine of the fire alarm. He jumped out of his low lying bed already fully clothed  and moved to the door. Smoke was seeping through the gap between the floor and the wood and an orange light glowed behind it. An envelope  sat on the floor with his name smudged in black ink on the front. He picked it up and jammed it in his pocket, then grabbing a blanket, he tested the door knob. It turned and Noah was confronted with a wall of noxious smoke and heat, screaming reaching his ears from down the hallway, the fire extinguishing sprinklers not sending out enough water to calm the flames licking up the walls. He slammed the door closed  and pushed the blanket up under the door.

 His eyes stinging he crouched low and made his way to the window on the other side of the room. Once opened, the smoke cleared the room quickly, with only a small amount making it's way back in past the blanket. He moved quickly to collect his belongings, shoving them into his old rucksack. He swung his rucksack onto his shoulder and moved back to the open window. Looking out, Noah's head spun. His room was two floors up and 5 windows away from the fire escape. Realising his only way out was a bad one, he readjusted his bag, took a breath and climbed out onto the window sill.  Noah edged his way across the sill making it to the end quickly. Careful not to lose his grip on the wall he reached out with his foot for the next sill, finding the 2 inch wide space he swung the rest of his body over to meet it. 

Noah continued at a steady pace until he reached the fire escape. It was further away than he had expected, meaning he couldn't just reach over and grab it. He repositioned his feet and jumped towards the fire escape with his arms outstretched. His fingers contacted with the top bar and gripped it as hard as he could. His head and chest slammed into the bars jarring his arm and his legs swung out below the 2nd level  floor. Noah pulled himself up with his arms and rolled onto the metal grate. He quickly got his breath back and climbed safely down to the ground. Emergency crews were scattered around the base of the building. Paramedics were attending to the wounded and firemen pulling people out of the building. It seemed like that most of the crowd standing around were unhurt, some were screaming and crying about their ordeal, some were on the phone to loved ones, but nothing too serious. 


Noah weaved his way through the crowd towards the parking lot. No one stopped him for medical attention or even seemed to care. There were obviously people more injured than having a jarred shoulder. Noah didn't mind, he needed to get out of the town as quickly as possible. Pulling his keys out of his pocket, he looked around to make sure no one had eyes on him. No one did, so he unlocked his ute and slid into the seat, dumping his rucksack on the passenger side. He glanced at the rear view mirror, catching a look at his rugged face. He had dark circles around his eyes from lack of sleep, the thin scar across his cheek was hidden with soot from the fire. His dark hair sticking in odd directions from how he was resting. He looked down at the pocket containing the mysterious envelope. He pulled it out and reached up to flick on the roof light. The name Noah Garcia was scrawled in black ink, smudged by the left hand as it had passed over. Opening the envelope he found small note and half a dozen photos. The note said in the same smudged writing, guess who this is.  Noah quickly studied the photos, the reoccurring girl in them he didn't know, she would have been about 17, with long dark hair and brown skin, she was of athletic build and seemed to be completely unaware of the camera. He had a sick feeling in his gut as he looked at the final photo, in it was the girl with a woman he did recognise. An old friend of his. Noah dropped the photos and scavenged for his mobile in his rucksack. He pulled it out and called a number, impatiently waiting for an answer. He didn't get one.

omnislash737 · Accepted Answer

Well, you have a few issues with sentence structure (not many)...just a couple little things, and the feeling could have been a bit more stressful/fearful. 
You do however have really good descriptional talent (the fire licking up the walls/ the way you described his look in the car) 
I think you string events together pretty well, but its a bit rough in some parts. you can work on that(most ofit is clean and flows, except a few parts felt a bit jumpy)
The character could talk to himself a bit more (what he's thinking) about the situation. would be another way to learn about him as well.

Id need a little more of a hook at the end to keep me reading, but i was pretty intrigued...

I liked when he jumped to the fire escape, i really saw the impact and could picture his legs swing wildly underneath...but the climbing of the ledge could have been strung together a bit cleaner...
You are good tho i was surprised that you described things so vividly.
Keep working at it, you have the touch, you just need to clean up a few segments and edit a few sentences.
Good :) keep going i like your style.

Donna · Answer

The greatest thing about writing is having it criticized. I hate it when people don't give me any criticizing. I will do it. It's a little long ,but I would read it. It is fantasy my favorite genre. Queen Rowena isn't your cliche' queen ,which is good.The names are good. Most fantasy names are hard to make up. So I just look online. I really like that there are elves. BTW the language of the elves is elvish I think. Some parts didn't really make sense. Like the woman and the new born foal. Is this woman in the unknown colored robes a sorceress ,or perhaps a witch? She might be a summoner. You didn't indent. After every quotation and every paragraph. I really like the use of words. It appears that you have a very good vocabulary. The descriptions of things are very flamboyant. I think I might have read a story simliar. Write more. 9/10

Fido · Answer

(i) You might add that the door handle was hot - maybe he had to use a sleeve to turn it - colours the scene more.
(ii) jammed the blanket under the door

(iii) The window opened, the rush of fresh air quickly cleared the room of smoke, with only a small amount of smoke seeping back into the room through the blanket.
(iv) five windows across from the fire escape (describes it as a horizontal distance)
(v) finding the two inch sill, he eased his weight on to that foot (or something like that)



(vi) and climbed down the ladder to the ground
(vii) unlocked his ute?
(viii) His dark hair sticking in odd directions after a troubled sleep.
(ix) He deduces the writer of the note was left handed then? If so maybe make a bit clearer perhaps?
(x) "guess who this is" - use quotes perhaps

I'm intrigued. I'm guessing the girl is a daughter he didn't know he had or he abandoned with her mother, and she took revenge by setting fire to the building. But that's just a guess and, yes, i'm intereseted to read on.

Good luck (I'm trying to write a novel at the moment too  - my mistakes will make yours look like shakespeare)

The Great Swami · Answer

I probably wouldn't read the rest of the story, but that doesn't mean it's bad. It looks pretty clear that it was targeted towards young adults, and you do a good job writing for your audience. 

My complaints are as follows:
A few grammar mistakes or inconsistencies, and places where one word would have sufficed for two. I'll let you proofread it on your own. 
You go into a good amount of detail for the letter when it first appears, but if there was a fire, I don't think that knowing that the ink was smudged was of the greatest import. Just bring that up later when he inspects it. 
It reads very actively, and because of this your sentences are largely short. A flow is never allowed to develop.

FricknFrack · Answer

I think you could do a better job of describing what exactly your character is feeling...Since it's a 3rd person narration its omniscient. Don't be afraid to say that Noah was panicked as as he tried to jump from the wall to the fire escape or describe the relief he felt when he made it and didn't fall and break his legs.

Emotion is an important thing to convey in stories and you need to do so with more that the actions.

I personally wouldn't read the rest of it unless asked. thus far I see no real plot unfolding and so it doesn't interest me much. Just keep working at it though, and you'll improve.

frodobaggins1000 · Answer

Sounds interesting so far. I don't really know what to make of it unless I had more to read but what you've posted is good.

One little technical thing I'd like to point out: If he opened a window with a fire going on his floor there could be a dangerous back-draft and the whole building could have exploded. Just a thought.

Azamee · Answer

It feels a little boring to me--not so much the actual story as the way it's written.  Feels more like a summary.  I wouldn't read the rest unless the style changed to a more active one.  EDIT: I retract that statement now.  Active isn't the right word.  More...emotional.  It's just that right now I don't feel there's much of a point to this story.  I have no idea what Noah's thinking for most of this.  What am I supposed to feel as I read this?  I don't know.  Less regular description and more emotion.

Anonymous · Answer

You are describing but not showing in your words.  You are also adding detail that serves no purpose like "He jumped out of his low lying bed"  Why was it low lying?  How can you jump out of something low lying?  Rolled out maybe, but the detail serves no clear purpose so why add it?

His scramble along the ledge should be filled with emotion and fear - I suggest you read Memoirs of an Invisible Man(Saint is the author) for a similar scene far above the street and see how the author conveys emotions.

Emergency crews scattered about but no one noticed him on the ledge or came to his aid?  Strains credulity to the breaking point

? · Answer

gr8!
I always liked dz kind of bizzare n interestring of introductions...
Some more addings need to b added to understand d surroundings n d characters details...

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Criticize my writing please :)?

9 Answers