Tell tell signs of an abusive person before you get to know them properly?

Red Flags for Abusive Relationships

The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as guidelines and cues to pay attention to, not as judgments on the worth of the other person.

Question relationships with partners who:

•Abuse alcohol or other drugs.

•Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.

•Don’t work or go to school.

•Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.

•Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.

•Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.

•Are always angry at someone or something.

•Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.

•Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.

•Cheat on you or have lots of partners.

•Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).

•Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.

•Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.

•Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.

•Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.

•Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.

•Make vulgar comments about others in your presence

•Blame all arguments and problems on you.

•Tell you how to dress or act.

•Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.

•Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.

•Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).

•Compare you to former partners.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

•You feel afraid to break up with them.

•You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.

•You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.

•You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.

•You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.

•You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.

•You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.

It helps if you are aware of the common warning signs of an abuser and an abusive relationship. I found a link to a site that I think is very accurate: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs....

There is still a need for judgment, of course. Someone having just a few of the indicators listed isn't necessarily an abuser, it's a check list. But you can take it to the bank that someone with a majority of items on that check list and/or someone with the serious items is someone you really want to avoid.

Also, the opinion of friends is helpful. Friends may not be perfect in their assessments of boyfriends but if nothing else they do have a different perspective from not being personally in the situation. And if they are at all sharp, they usually do see trouble coming early. If they think something is wrong, it's a very good idea to listen carefully. Best wishes.

p.s. I haven't been in an abusive relationship but I have to say it was probably as much from being lucky as savvy. For real anyone can get a wrong number.

Great question. No expert here but one thing is slyness in their words. Little things. They may make a comment, something like 'Your stomach is starting to get a bit big' as an example. Then they'll laugh it off, pass it off as a joke. But the comments will keep coming, slowly edging at your confidence. Real sneaky tactic, watch for it. Some good answers here.

1. Trying to control you.

2. Saying hurtful things in a "teasing" way, and then telling you they were just joking.

3. Telling you that you're too sensitive if you complain about #2.

4. Trying to isolate you from your family and friends.

5. Moving too fast in a romantic relationship.

Look for personality changes from what he/she does with the individual to what he/she does in front of others.

Being overly charming can be a sign as well.

The list Chaos gives seems pretty complete.

First, get clear on the difference between "abuse" and "aggression"

http://sfhelp.org/relate/abuse.htm

Second, most people from traumatic (e.g. abusive) early years are psychologically "wounded," and are repeatedly attracted to other wounded people despite painful results. Such people come from dysfunctional families, may be aggressive, and have behavioral signs like these;

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/1_gwctraits.htm

Honestly I don't think you can always know when someone is abusive by nature. There's some people that are obviously abusive and you can tell that they are abusive by how aggressive they are.

they get jealous quickly

little things tend to bother them

they disrespect you or show fake care and seem too nice

they get in fights

they punch walls or windows

they put you down in little ways that you would pass off as normal.

since your use to it, it is very hard to tell when to be alert

VERY good question!

The answer is EGO a BIG whopping EGO!!!

Its easy to spot after a while even if they try to hide it its still very easy to spot!

The big ego is very insecure and doesn't mind abusing/using you to feel better.

they get jealous quickly

little things tend to bother them

they disrespect you or show fake care and seem too nice

they get in fights

they punch walls or windows

they put you down in little ways that you would pass off as normal.

since your use to it, it is very hard to tell when to be alert

Take more time in lowering your shields, do not rush, any signs you do not like get rid of him. Hopefully you will find the right one.