mother in law wants to stay with us for a week after baby is born and fiance told her YES!?

Question

I am 37 weeks pregnant and I have mentioned several times to everyone that I DO NOT want ANYONE staying with us after the baby gets here because I need time to adjust. So, of course, I was mad when I found out that she asked him - and I was even more mad when I found out he told her yes... I know myself well, and I already know that my patience is going to be limited (it already is limited) when this baby gets here - I feel so uncomfortable with the idea of having her around for several reasons. 

One, I don't want her around telling me if I am doing something wrong or suggesting other things - i want to make my mistakes alone and learn how to fix them myself. 

Two, if I'm emotional or irritated by my mistakes, I won't be able to show it because I will be worried about how she views me (we still don't know each other very well and she has never seen or heard me get mad - and it isn't pretty). 

Three, I HATE her cooking and I don't want her making anything for me to eat while I am cranky and hungry (I actually think that she purposely cooks the nastiest things just for me because fiance tells me that she has never made some of these things that she forces down my throat - I.E. the steel-cut oatmeal with dried fruit that she cooked in a CROCK POT all night and didn't offer to anyone else but me and when I said no thank you put in a bowl and forced me to eat it). 

Four, she is Mexican and I am Black and she's always making comments about how she was nervous about him living with me because she wants to make sure he is eating etc. and then says "but your just like a Mexican woman, you cook... " blah blah blah - I AM NOT A MEXICAN and furthermore, Black people and White people and Asian people eat too!  Guess what - ALL human's need to eat! Because of these comments, I constantly feel the need to prove to her that I am just as competent as a "Mexican woman" or any other woman, at that, so if she is here  - I will be trying to cook and clean, instead of focusing on my new baby. 

Five, to add on to the race issue - she bought me a flat iron for Christmas - so not only will I feel the need to cook and clean, I will also feel the need to make my hair, etc. look presentable in the morning since she obviously thinks I need help   -__-   

Six, we don't have a guest room, so she will have to sleep on the couch or on an air mattress downstairs - meaning that, if I want to lay on the couch and relax or go downstairs while she is sleep- I won't be able to! 

UGH! THE LIST GOES ON - what am I going to do??? 

It makes me even more mad because I wanted to have my mom in the delivery room while pushing and my fiance was against it and pushed and pushed until I let my mother down (for the second time in this pregnancy - the first was when he didn't want her there for the first ultrasound) - I know she is hurt and I am too... for that very reason, I feel like he should be the one to tell his mom - NOT ME. The only reason why she is staying with us is because she lives out of state - BUT - she has another son living here and a sister - she could easily stay with one of them! At least I would have some glimpse of light at the end of the day from the thought that every one will be gone at night... now what?

tamara k ♥ her family · Accepted Answer

Be a B*tch.
Stop being NICE! Seriously if a non hormonal woman is socially expected to act like a brat when planning her wedding a pregnant woman should be even more able to get away with bratty behaviour.

Simple- you have a GOOD excuse both now and immediately after the babies birth to do so. If you do NOT want to be polite you don't have to! You can be as nasty as you want to be, you can blame it on the hormones now and on sleep deprivation and hormones after the baby is born!

Just because she is your SO's mother doesn't mean you have to suck up to her- you have to be POLITE to her, you don't have to be NICE! And it sounds like your SO is not being as nice to YOUR mother as he expects you to be to HIS mother- grain for the goose is good for the gander- treat HIS mother exactly how he treats YOUR mother!

Brandi · Answer

Sounds like my mother in law.  Begged me to go into the delivery room, and wanted to tape the delivery.  I firmly put my foot down and said NO. Also told her that I didn't want visitors.  Im having a baby, not hosting a party for her.  Everytime she is around me she is constantly asking me to pull my shirt up so she can see my belly, and trying to touch it.  I hate that.  She said last weekend that If we didn't answer her calls after the baby is born, she would come over anyway.  Well, we wont be answering the door either.  She is not staying with me, and im not taking my baby to her house because she smokes in it.  My baby prolly wont like her because she is loud and just stupid.  My husband deals with her only because he has to. Now that im pregnant, I am just going to say whats on my mind. Screw it.

Alicia Holloway · Answer

Put your foot down and tell your fiance to stop being such a mama's boy.  This is YOUR baby and YOUR house, not hers.  You shouldn't have someone around who makes you feel uncomfortable.  And if she makes racist comments about you, what will stop her from making racist comments about your baby?  Your fiance needs to talk to her and tell her all these things and tell her that she can't stay with you.  And if you want your mother in the delivery room, she should be there.  This is YOUR day, not his.  You're the one who carried that baby for 9 months and you're the one who has to do the work to get him/her out.  My husband let me have anyone I wanted in the delivery room for our first baby.  For our second, it was just him because I didn't have any family here.

Kierstn and Haydens Mommy! · Answer

Wow, it's like reading my own life story!!

With my first daughter, who was born at 28 weeks and I was very scared and stressed out, she shows up at the hospital(with a bag packed for two months). Then I find out shes staying with me in the hospital while I'm there. She criticizes the nurses constantly about my daughter and things like not eating and stuff. Hello, shes 2lbs, what do you really expect out of her? And my nurses because they don't bring me enough to eat or drink, when actually they don't bring enough for both of us, go figure. She SMOKED in the bathroom. Ugh, no joke. 

Then she plans on staying for God knows how long. She also can't cook, catches things on fire, washes dishes in cold water, I won't even go into the laundry. I appreciate her help, as I'm sure you do also, but when things are done so wrongly it's hard to appreciate! 

I totally understand where you are coming from. Mine has already stated she wants to stay for a while after our second is born. Just be firm. Tell them no. You are the one that just went through pushing a big baby out of your va ja ja...and you deserve your house to yourself!!! :) 

Good luck and I hope everything goes okay!

Lisa · Answer

I totally agree with you. I hated my inlaws coming over. I lived with my parents when my son was born. We were building a home. My husband was always out of town on work. I had a csection because my son was stuck so I needed a lot of help. I was tired and sore. My inlaws always showed up unannounced when I was asleep with the baby. They would call my husband at work if I didnt answer the phone and insiste on seeing the baby. He was the first grandchild. My husband didnt get it. I was tired and wanted to rest. He would tell me to let them see our son. This was every day. He didn't understand until his friend told him they were wrong and needed to leave me alone.

HappyToBeMe · Answer

Put your foot down to your hubby. You do not need this before or after giving birth.  Let MIL know that you guys will Call her when she can come over and visit.  You have whomever you want in the delivery room (your mom) it's your baby.  Please, don't sit idle, I did and I regretted it for some time.  That's how I ended up with hubby's mom/dad/sister AND brother in My delivery room!! STAND up for yourself.  You won't regret it in the long run.  Congrats on your baby!

NG2199 · Answer

It is hard to believe that your husband would be so insensitive to such a strong set of arguments. You have to just reiterate these good points to him and tell him you made it clear it's not what you want at this critically important time in your lives. Add that you want this special time to be positive for all three of you (you two and the baby) and that Mum-in-Law is welcome to visit when things settle down. And make sure you say something like : "look I wanted my mum in teh delivery room and you didn't you wanted that special time to ourselves and I reluctantly agreed. You MUST honor my wishes just the same."

Anonymous · Answer

I am FMIL too and I am coming at it from an opposite viewpoint. I would never stay with my adult married children. I and my husband always stay in hotels when we visit our children. We understand they have lives to live and we do not want to burden them. Having parents stay can often cause tense situations and that is not what my husband and I want. I understand that this FMIL wants time with her soon, but it seems to me she is oblivious to the fact there is tension with her and her FDIL. Also, we are assuming that maybe this FMIL just wants to spend time with only her son and not her FDIL. The FMIL may just want to be with her son.

Me · Answer

Well..thats tough. I think she should stay with someone else. You are going to have to bite your tongue otherwise because it is her grandbaby. I HATE HATE HATE when my MIL comes to visit us, but I grin and bear it. Its my hubby mother and he loves her wheter I do or not. I do think with you just having a baby it wouldnt be rude to hint at her staying at her other sons house since things will be overwhelming for you at first. My MIL wanted to come down when my kids were born to "help out". I about died..but she didnt come because my mother did and we only have one guest room. Pheww.

mFischer58- · Answer

there is a new baby coming into your life and you are getting stressed, i recommend taking a few deep breaths and being calm. you do have a right to be annoying with your fiance and if it really bothers you that much i think you should CALMLY and politely tell the mother in law that it is not a good time to be staying with you..

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mother in law wants to stay with us for a week after baby is born and fiance told her YES!?

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