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Is it wrong that my bf keeps hiding me from his ex?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and we are committed to one another. We live together and hope to be married one day. However, he has a young son with his ex and she has kept their son away from him since their breakup over a year ago. She now has decided to let my bf and their son spend time together on some sundays for a few hours. Their arrangement is my bf pick him up and drop him off to her in a public meeting place. Unfortunately, my bf doesn't think its best if i accompany him to pick up his son or drop him off because he is afraid that his childs mother will deny him visits again if she knows he is seeing someone and spending time with their child as a happy family. I'm very upset by this and feel like I have no business saying something about it to my bf because I don't want to interfere with him spending time with his son. Although, it hurts me and has brought arguments in the past between us about it. I have tried to sit back and at home when he picks his son up, but it only makes me very angry later. Sometimes, i feel like he is hiding me or something from me. I don't think this is right and he wants me to wait until he gets his visitation order before taking me with him to pickup his son and for his ex to know he has moved on and has a new life with me. In the meantime, how do I handle this situation, because sometimes I feel as we need to break it off if he's still letting his ex basically control him and in a sense, our relationship as well. I don't think i can keep my cool any longer because I don't think what he's doing to me is right. I'm having doubts about marrying him because of this issue. I too have a child from a previous relationship, and I have no problem with my ex seeing my bf with me to pickup my child from my ex. I feel if we are planning on being a family soon, then he should be making me feel more like a wife and family should. Please help, only mature answers please.
2 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
He wants to spend time with his son. He's probably afraid that if his ex sees her child with his father and another woman, that the child will see you as a motherly figure, and, being his ex girlfriend, it's obvious that she doesn't want her child spending time with someone that he's dating. You can't really do anything about it. If you get married, you can always file for custody for his son. He or you, MUCH later, should maybe discuss with the mother why it's important that you are in her son's life. You are dealing with extremely personal matters here and you have to understand that. There isn't really a perfect situation that you could put yourselves in with this. It's going to involve a lot of compromise. Don't break it off with your boyfriend if you're actually serious about getting married.
- sophiebLv 71 decade ago
I need clarification. When you talk about an ex are you saying exgf or exwife? That makes a big difference in the answer we give you. For clarity let's call your bf Jim.
Jim has a child for which he needs to pay for (because he loves his child and his child is his own dna, but also because if he doesn't pay then he ends up in jail) and you are not a part of that child. Jim, to be able to have connection with that child must cow toe to the whims of his ex AND the court. Rather than lose his son for good he puts you second, which is only right. If on the other hand you are not as squeaky clean as the courts would desire then he could lose his son. But at this point he doesn't want to involve you because he and his son have enough problems on their plate. Even once he gets his visitation order he should not be taking you with him to visit his son.
Your living with Jim is wrong. To make it right, AND to make it right for his son, then the two of you need to be married. If you are not married then you cannot expect this entire situation to go in the right direction. That's just the way it is.
Again, you come second in this situation, his son comes first, and right now "and always" until the child is 18 he will always come under the thumb of his ex and the court. Sounds to me like you don't understand this, and are not willing to abide by it, and you want to be first and that won't happen.
Since you're having doubts about marrying him, and you didn't even say he has asked you to marry him, and since you can't deal with an ex, I suggest for your own mental health that you break it off with him.
You said you too have a child from a previous "relationship", didn't say from a previous marriage. So if these relationships were never marriages then you both are running down some curved road and not following the rules and you can't possibly expect good to come from this.
You said "IF" we are planning on being a family "soon". Well it doesn't sound to me like it will be (or should be, in fact) any time soon, and it sure doesn't sound like a "family" to me. Plus you said "if" and now is not the time to discuss "if" since he has to get his own life straightened out first, and it appears that might be as long as 18 years. So I suggest if you "can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen". It sounds like your ego can't stand the heat.