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Jordan
Lv 4
Jordan asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 10 years ago

How do you like this poem i just wrote?

hey guys, i just wrote a poem, and i ask u please this is my original writing and do not use it as ur own. thank you. i just wanted to know what u guys thought of my new poem, i knoe its not pro, but i would sure like ur guyses opinion about it. thank yall!

I miss the old days

I miss the old days

There was no war

The only thing that mattered

Was when the day wore

For a cut, for a scratch

Momma wiped away your tears

Not for makeup or boys

Through all these years

Grandmas house was magic

The old old tree in the yard

We were all princes and princesses

We played uno with our cards

We become best friends

With the kid down the street

We would play for hours

And came home with dirt on our feet.

There was no shame in honesty with ourselves

There was no shame around others

Daddy protected us from monsters

All the while we hid under the covers

Everything in the world was innocent

For the few years of childhood we were given

We grow up so fast

Which is why we should make the most outta livin’!

Update:

thank u for ur suggestion, i was thinking about that as i wrote the last part.... how about this:

Everything in the world was innocent

All of our energy and youth we gave

We will remember all of our lives

all the knowledge and lessons learned throughout life, we save

Update 2:

i like ur wittiness, but u know what i mean by the old days.

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's good. I recommend that you omit the last sentence, for it changes the overall theme of the poem and honestly it's a tad cliched.

    I like the youthful, whimsical imagery. Good job!

    edited version, MUUUUUUCH better. Bravo!

  • shiner
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    You are so proficient. I recognise I've mentioned that earlier than. This is a deep significant poem, it can be a further kind than you utilize now however it's so well to me. Drown my soul in wash of sorrow. Build my doubts and go away me hallow. You recognise I adore you. I want I might open up the best way you do.

  • I loved it. I think that theast sentemce should be changed or moved. It messes up the whole theme of the poem. Upon reading it, it felt like an actuell published poem. You should try to publish it. It was that good. You have got lots of potential!

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Wouldn't this be the younger days, not old?

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    I liked it.

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