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Is this ok-ish? Poem about suicide.?

This is about a friend of mine who recently attempted suicide (she didn't die thank goodness) and I wrote it in about two seconds so it's still pretty rough and awkward sounding... 10 points for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism!

BLAME:

Blood pools around an empty shell

Your body lying crumpled on the ground

Living without you is gonna be hell

It’s not your fault

I read the note that you left

I cling your journal to my thumping chest

Your mom looks at me and I know what she thinks

Why didn’t I know?

It’s not your fault

You were my best friend

The only one who knew the real me

No one knew where you would start and I would end

It’s not your fault

I blame myself.

Update:

@dendr...(sorry I can't remember the rest) I wrote as if she had because this was the scenario I pictured in my head after she told me what happened.

4 Answers

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  • Ian
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Good poem based on that specific event. The exact situation is clearly illustrated in that words and i liked it.

    All the best and keep it up.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I don't like the title. Not because I'm worried about your feelings. It just doesn't work. Until the end when you force it in.

  • 1 decade ago

    Why is everything in the past tense if she's still alive?

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It could use some work:) but its reallyy good:]

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