Obsessed with hospitals...What exactly is this? Please help me?

Okay, so I feel really weird talking about this.

Anyway, I have this fear and obsession with hospitals.

Let me start with the fear part. Whenever I see blood, needles, hear something about that topic, I faint. I completely pass out and go unconscious. Everyone has heard that before, right? I freak out over needles and everything.

Okay, going on to the obsession. I am not really sure when this started, I've been fainting since I was five and I have fainted about 16 times in my lifetime(I am 18). I fainted in a hospital once and they put me in the ER and ran some tests, etc. Really there's nothing wrong with me. The problem is, I am obsessed with it, I am obsessed with the rush I get from feeling attended to in that particular way. Whenever a doctor would take a stethoscope to my chest or do something of that nature, I get this rush. What happens is that I feel my heart drop a little bit, but it feels good. I crave this feeling often, which is really starting to affect me. I feel as if I have to have it. Whenever I get sick, I demand that attention. If I am sick and no one pays attention to me, I begin to grow depressed and masochistic. I come from a family that always says oh you're fine. They never really have been concerned any time I am sick. I think that's sort of where this whole obsession began.

I daydream about getting stuck in a hospital. I recently spilled my guts to my boyfriend of two years and I just feel ashamed of this obsession. I cry about this often, I just want the thought's to stop. I have never told anyone else, but everyone only knows about the fainting part.

Thank you for reading all the way.