My wife says she is attracted to me but never wants sex?

Question

Ok so first this may be a bit long so sorry but i wanted to get the whole story out here.

So it says wife but we aren't married until may. We have been together for over 2 years and have a 14 month old baby.

When we met we were doing it like bunnies and we were very experimental with toys and props and so on. We were very sexual and open minded and it was great. After she had the baby, her interest in sex dissipated a lot. I understand that there are many factors that contribute to this such as fatigue, stress, postpartum, pain etc. i get that. The issue is that our son is 14 months old and this hasn't really changed. I mean, we do have sex now and then but its hardly regular and once a month is a surprise at this point and sometimes is can go months. At first she said is was painful and then it was her birth control then depression then time etc. It seems there is always a "reason" for her lack of interest. She swears it is not me and that she is still very attracted to me and still loves me but just that she has no interest. The only time shes ever in the mood is when i am at work and she knows i can't do anything about it. She still masturbates fairly often but when we have an opportunity to make love, she's not in the mood. The only time we have sex is when i bring it up and say how much its bothering me that she never wants it but this just makes me feel like shes giving me pitty sex which is not appealing to me. I want her to want me and sex is very important to me in a relationship.

Now there are important factors here. One of the first things someone will say is that i dont satisfy her but i know that's not true. I really enjoy giving oral and am very good at it. I always pleasure her to completion before even beginning to please myself and I know she gets off because somethings you can't fake. I also know that i am a good and attentive lover because i still get the occasional compliment from ex gf's and flings. I know i'm still attractive because i get hit on a lot. When we do have sex, she gets into it for the first 5-10 min but then starts telling me to hurry up and finish. This is so embarrassing and such a turn off that it makes it harder for me to climax. I make sure that sex is all about her and yet she seems uninterested even during.

Another factor is that she may be cheating. I don't know she is and choose to believe she's not but there have been some major red flags in the resent past. She started telling me about this guy at her work that she thinks is hot and that they flirt with each other all the time. She said she hasn't told him she's in a relationship because he didn't ask and it didn't come up. She also told me that he knows where she lives, our sons name etc. These seem to me to be pretty open doors to saying "I live with my fiancee and our son" but apparently it never came up. She told me that if we weren't together that she would want to sleep with him. I asked her if she has given him her number of if he gave her his and she said no. Two days later, I noticed a text from him saying "Good morning beautiful. Are you going to be at work today?" I told her this upset me and she said she would stop talking to him. Two days later she texted her ex boyfriend and told him that she still loves him and never stopped and she needed to tell him. I confronted her and she again said she would stop talking to him. before these incidents and after them were some more "harmless" guy issues as well. 

Another factor. I've talked to her and aside from the usual "reasons" she said it would help if i did more around the house, even though i do quite a lot already. I started doing almost everything to relive her of any stress to see if that would help. It didn't.  

One more factor is that she talks and acts sexual regarding other people like rappers she likes saying things like she wants to suck their **** but she never talks or acts sexual with me. If she does act or talk like that to me and i try to start something, she shoots me down with another "reason" 

I love her very much and I made a commitment to spend the rest of my life with her but i didn't commit to a life of abstinence. I have needs and i want to feel as if the woman i love still wants me. I try everything i can to help fix it but nothing really works and i'm sick of pitty sex. It just makes me resent having sex with her. 

The biggest problem is now i feel like i'm losing interest in her sexually and i've been having fantasies about other women. I've gotten to the point that my mind doesn't even associate sex with her anymore. I'm not a cheater but it's hard when the only person who doesn't seem interested in me is the only one i want to. I don't know what to do anymore but i know this isn't working and it's a matter of time before someone

seedy history · Accepted Answer

You two are making a career out of being engaged? Whatever happened to being so in love that you couldn't stand the idea of her walking out of the hospital carrying your son without a wedding ring on her finger? And the proposed wedding is still 6 months out? After living together for 2 years and sharing a 14 month old son? 

Despite your obvious satisfaction at your sexual prowess, your woman does not feel loved. That's what I get. The fact that she could even be in a position to have someone she knows from work be unaware that she is in a "relationship" signals, to me, that you are not very involved in her life. I suppose you don't go to the company Christmas Parties? You two have never had anyone from her work over for dinner? Never thrown a wing-ding and mixed it up with the folks you know individually so you mesh your lives? 

Right. A number of things don't seem to be going quite right. This reads like you are pretending that a few more nights of hot sex a month and everything would be alright. For you. The people at her work don't even know you exist!  

Okay. You're good in bed. everyone says so. Hurray. Just doesn't seem to be enough, huh? 

You two have to talk about a lot of things besides sex. Sounds like you've covered that subject pretty well. Don't put a down payment on the church. If you two can get to the root of the problem (guess what, it isn't sex)... you could maybe elope for Christmas. First you have to find out why she does not "know" you love her in a fulfilling way. I'd say that's clear. You know, sex aside. 

I'm not remotely suggesting that you stay in a relationship where you aren't getting sexual satisfaction. I do suggest that letting her know endlessly that even when you do have sex it isn't fulfilling for YOU has made it quite unfulfilling for her as well. Can you solve the other issues that have led to this lack of satisfaction?  

It's odd to attend the wedding of people who have been living together for years already anyway. Though it would give her a chance to introduce you to the important people in her life.

? · Answer

She has let you know one thing, your taking to long and sometimes that is annoying. It can be a turn off if you are expected to wait and wait when you are ready. The feeling can go away with too much stimulation you know. If we miss that peak, then it's not as good.

A long lasting session is not always best. 

When I had small kids, it was hard to be excited about sex. BUT, one thing was true, when I thought I wasn't in the mood, I could easily be put there with the right approach. 
During this time in my marriage, my husband always had to initiate sex. I'm glad that he did, because I wouldn't have. It's not that I didn't want it, but he had to initiate back then. 
Luckily my husband knew that my seeming disinterested attitude could be changed. All he had to do was tickle me for a few minutes and I was in "the zone" and would do just about anything he wanted to do. 
Your problem here is very common with couples after they have a child. Marriages are not always easy and they do take work. These people who tell you to leave are heartless and haven't thought of your child. Things will get better, but don't wait for them to get worse before you start working on them. Marriages go through phases. I never considered divorce when things got harder. We made vows, it is only an option if I'm being beaten : ) Been married 22 years with very few bumps. He's my best friend and soulmate ~ but I did seem less interested in sex when I had 4 little children all clamoring for my attention all day long. 

Have you ever listened to Dr Laura? If not, you should b/c you'll get a lot of good couple advice from the callers on her show. Get your wife to listen too, it's interesting and you hear all kinds of issues that we all have.

n2mama · Answer

For a woman, a lot changes after you have a child.  Sex drive is one of them for sure.  After my second child was born it was over a year before I really wanted to have sex.  I still had sex with my husband of course (I don't want to call it pity sex, but maybe it was because I knew he had needs even though he never said anything), but it is a lot harder to feel really into it when you're thinking that the child will wake up any minute, could come wandering in, etc.  That could also be why she's into it for the first 10 minutes, then wants you to finish up.  I'm not saying it's true for every single woman, but a lot of my friends had similar experiences.

Relative to that guy at work-she is probably very very flattered by his attention.  It's hard to look in the mirror and see all the things that have changed since before the baby, and to know that men still find you attractive is very powerful.  I know my husband finds me attractive/beautiful, but it's almost like he's supposed to, so somehow it makes me feel even better to have outside validation that I've still got it.  I'm not excusing her behavior, just trying to maybe give a little insight as to why she might be acting the way she is.  If sex is hurting her, she should see her doctor, pain during sex is not normal.

Anonymous · Answer

The fact that she feels the need to say you could help around the house more means that you don't do your adult fair share of maintaining your own life...and the baby's....but I think that is totally separate from her other behaviour.

She IS seeking some sort of validation from others (at work, the ex, the strange intimate talk about c--sucking) and that is inappropriate. 

The two of you might benefit from some time alone if someone can take baby for a day or two. The purpose of this time is for both of you to open and honest about what is going on, what expectations are and what EACH of you is going to commit to do to make it happen.

As far as the sex hurting goes if she is medically able to have sex my guess is that SHE is not into having sex with you at this time for whatever reason.  The meds can be shifted to sort out the libido issue. I don't think she has a libido issue if she's babbling with other men.

Terry · Answer

If she's your fiancee, she's not your wife and there is no clear lifetime commitment. 

Your biggest problem isn't lack of sex but a lack of mature love. ASAP take her to a marriage counselor to talk out all of your problems together. For the time being, never mind "the other man." Just work on your own relationship. If it's worth saving, some time down the road you ought to give her a ring and get married.

Anonymous · Answer

Do you help her around the house, with the kids.?? Women have a lot on there minds at all times, it takes more than a "Hey baby" to get us in the mood. Helping her out around more may lighten her load, then, romance, romance, romance. Cook her dinner, or take her out. Make her feel like the women shes been missing. Tell her how sexy and amazing you think she is. Just because she has no interest doesn't mean she doesn't want it. She wants you to try a lot harder.... Talk to her about her work and make sure she is not stressing, take a long time to get her in the mood with kissing and massages. Just remember, that we always have things on our minds, things way more important than intimacy so often time it get put on the back burner. Turn up the heat!!

Robert · Answer

Tell your wife that you want to refrain from any form of intimacy for a while. Hopefully, she'll miss having you touch her, flirting with her or kissing her after a few weeks of no intimacy. Continue to take care of the household responsibilities and chores, but do not share any special moments with her at all. 

    Your wife should be bothered by the lack of intimacy in your marriage. then you'll know that she truly wants to be with you. However, if she doesn't seemed to be bothered by the lack of intimacy, then you have serious problems in your marriage. Maybe counseling would help you with your marital problems. Peace!

Rocky · Answer

talk to her and fix it before marriage it will just get worst marriage doesn't change anything and when you expect that it should as some people do like its magic and it changes anything they are wrong and if anything its harder and makes any problem worst.

Anonymous · Answer

That's not good you should move on this girl is
not worth your time and you deserve better/

Anonymous · Answer

Are you hung?

Sometimes these problems are more simple than we even realize.

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My wife says she is attracted to me but never wants sex?

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