I've been feeling really down and suicidal for the last few years but I'm too afraid to seek help?

So ever since I was about 16 I've started to feel more and more down...I often think about death and what it's like, and that there's no point waiting around to die when you can just get it over with. My dad suffers with depression and anxiety but I don't want to tell him because I fear it will make him worse and he might think it's something to do with him. I have two good friends but one of them just doesn't like to tell people (even me, her closest friend) her problems...It's just how she deals with it. So I don't want to tell her either because I don't think it's fair to dump all my problems on her when she never does to me (even though I'd have no problem if she did) And my other friend won't understand because he gets awkward really easily.

I can't afford professional help at the moment...but nothing's going right for me...I feel ugly, fat, no self- esteem and I just wish I was a completely different person. I can't find a job, study is hard and I'm broke. I know everyone's going to tell me that things will get better and just talk to someone but I physically can't bring myself to do it. And this isn't even the half of it. I've been searching online for similar things but I feel like nobody feels like me...words just can't describe.

Sorry for the long story but if you can take the time to read it and help me out I'd appreciate it more than anything. Thanks guys :)